tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31961626528351851362024-03-12T21:51:12.538-07:00A-Typical Mormon MomsInterviews and stories featuring typical Mormon moms (and families) who happen to have gay children.
Image designed by Jerilyn Hassell PoolC.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-89819976659293011032017-07-09T11:13:00.000-07:002017-07-09T21:44:30.758-07:00Missing my Friend Judi, A Typical Mormon Mom<span style="font-size: large;">Dear Judi, </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It's been one year since you left us. I'm sad today. It was a hot day like this one that I got word of your passing. I was in Brooklyn, NY as you slipped away, back in Cache Valley, Utah. Nearly everyone who was most important to you had been to the hospital to bid you farewell, except for me. I'm hoping as you were in and out of consciousness, you heard my farewell as told to your son on the phone, of my love and all my best as you passed on. But I wasn't there with you and that still breaks my heart. So today, I once again reflect on you and the friendship you so generously shared with me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">In my lifetime, I've lost some really important people to me: my dad, both sets of grandparents, my husband's parents, uncles, aunts, neighbors, and some friends. But I've never lost a friend like you. I've never mourned a loss quite like this one. You knew my heart. That we shared our discouragements and joys with each other is something I will always treasure. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I imagine if you had been here this last year, here are some of the things we would have discussed. We would have been shocked and dismayed at the president who was elected for the US. We could have spent hours wondering what would become of our country. We would have talked about our health issues. I loved how you understood that being well and feeling good is all relative when you have chronic pain. Though my suffering was and is a drop in the bucket in comparison to yours, you still got me. We would have talked about our grandchildren and children and swapped stories. We would have discussed how the LDS church still has a long way to go when it comes to treating our LGBTQ friends, sisters, and brothers the way we believed they deserved and should be treated. You were one of the first people I interviewed for this blog. <a href="http://typicalmormonmoms.blogspot.com/2013/11/i-just-want-my-son-to-be-happy.html" target="_blank">Here's that post.</a> This Spring we would have watched the new colts out your window. We would have discussed the box elder bugs and how they aren't quite as bad this year as they were last--at least not yet. You would have loved to hear about our trip to Italy, as I would have condensed it down to the highlights. I'm sure you would have thought of some new quilt designs and made a few more. And I would have loved seeing them. I would have continued to water your plants each Sunday. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me with Judi's son on his wedding day</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;">But the best part, the thing that you would have loved the very most. The thing that would have brought you so much joy was to see your son get married to the love of his life. You so worried about leaving your oldest, your single son. You so wanted for him all the joys that come from finding that person to share his journey with. Your youngest son had that. You would have loved seeing him and his family supporting in every way as your oldest started his new life. I hope you were there. I don't know what is beyond this life, not for sure. But now you do. And this is something I know about you. You would have been there if there is any way. And knowing you, you'd find a way. So you could see your granddaughters and grandsons dressed in their best, matching attire.To see friends and family come together to support your son and marriage in true equality. To meet your son-in-law and welcome him to the family. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">You would do anything to listen to vows exchanged with the sound of the Logan River and birdsong in the background, to see the Swallowtail butterfly dance in the sun highlighting the love in the faces of your son and his partner as the Buddhist Bhikkhu joined them in marriage. You'd love the beautiful cake with a silhouette scene of Rio and Salt Lack City in honor of each and seeing them cut the cake, sharing in the happiness. For your son it was a dream come true, but it also was for you. It was just what you wanted for your family--united in ways that wouldn't have been possible not too long ago. This is a year that some wonderful things happened for your family. Maybe you had something to do with that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So today, I remember you Judi. I miss you. I will always miss you. You made a safe place for me to talk and share and no one listened quite the way you did. God speed dear friend. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Love, Carole</span><br />
<br />C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-15107598952424724442016-06-29T05:40:00.002-07:002016-06-29T05:40:47.760-07:00We NEED to do Better<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">We need to do better. Growing up is tough. I was an awkward, insecure teen. I was skinny, flat-chested, and assumed kids were talking about me even when they weren't. But somehow in spite of that, I liked myself and knew that most people liked me too. For the most part, I felt acceptable in my home, my church, in my neighborhood and at school. I endured a few insults here and there, but the truth is that our LGBTQ youth hear more indirect and direct insults in a week, than I have in a lifetime. They will be taught from the moment that they begin to feel that they are different, that who they really are at their core is not acceptable; not acceptable at church, at school, at home, with their friends, and especially not with God. They will be taught that what everyone else takes for granted, that they will someday fall in love and create a family, will not be for them and if they do find that, that they might have to choose between that love and having an eternal family. More than that, they will be taught that even holding someone of the same genders hand might be dangerous and that others might taunt them for it…or worse. They will be taught directly and indirectly that the world is not for them. They will be taught that while others are acceptable just because, they are not acceptable…just because. Because of a random selection, these people are the preferred. These ones are the ones that get to have all of God’s blessings, but it’s ok because you’ll be blessed too, but only if you live your life in a way that makes the rest of society feel better. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">We need to do better. We need to do better as parents, as teachers, as church leaders, as friends, as aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, and neighbors. We need to reach out and embrace all within our reach and then reach even further. We can not sit by and assume that all is well in Zion because young people’s lives depend on us. It is not okay to be anything less than supportive and affirming. It is not okay to say I love you, but…. It’s not ok to say you are welcome in our home, but only if … , and only you and not your partner. It’s not ok to hear slurs directed at our LGBTQ youth and not say something. It’s not ok to find out that 49 LGBT youth were gunned down and do nothing. It’s not ok to find out that yet one more youth took their life and do nothing. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">We need to make sure that our homes, our schools, our churches, and our society is one where every child feels like they are acceptable just the way they are. Love really is for everyone and that love has to unconditional and unequivocal. Anything else is not Godlike. I know mothers who were doing all in their power to love as God would have them love and it wasn’t enough to protect their children from feeling like they didn’t belong in this world, so those children chose to leave it. As a society, as a church, as humans, we must do better. </span></div>
C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-23219835132330983272016-03-23T16:45:00.000-07:002016-03-23T16:45:28.040-07:00Matters of the Heart: Tammy Maxwell<div class="p1">
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Before fifteen year-old Kayden came out to his parents there were changes in his personality that were so unlike him. He’d always been such a perfect son.“He’s very kind and loving. He’s always been so good with his younger siblings, nieces, nephews and cousins. He loves to play church hymns on the piano. He’s so Christ-like.” But her son had become dark and depressed. There were signs that he might be gay. So one day she sat him down and asked him if he was attracted to girls, at all. “He said no, and just started crying and crying. I just loved him so much. I wanted to put him in a bubble and protect him forever. There was no judgment. There was just love. Seeing the pain in his eyes. Yeah, I just wanted to take that from him. I knew for sure that it wasn’t a choice for him.” </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">But the night they found out what had been bothering Kayden, Tammy thought she was having a heart attack. Her heart just kept hurting and hurting. Chest pains could mean something very serious, so they finally went to the hospital and after some testing found out that Tammy wasn’t having a heart attack after all, but a severe anxiety attack. Although the literal pain subsided, her heart would continue to ache figuratively as she expanded her love to include many other LGBT youth who would need her love. Tammy’s husband also was not judgmental about his son. From the onset, he’s been nothing, but supportive. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">When I sat down with Tammy Maxwell, it was impossible for me not to feel the magnitude of her warm personality and giant heart. I knew she was someone special, someone who was on a mission to make the world a better place for her son Kayden and for all of her now numerous gay friends. I think LGBT people sense in her that same acceptance that she shows her son. If they need a listening ear, she listens. If they need a place to live, she and her husband open up their house. Tammy has always loved the gospel. She’d felt like everything fit like a perfect puzzle. But suddenly she was thrust with a situation which didn’t fit. There was no place in the gospel plan for her wonderful son. There was no place for her new gay friends. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">For the first year, Tammy felt very alone as an LDS mother with a gay son, even though her ward was great. Kayden’s bishop assured Kayden that he didn’t choose this, that it was part of who he was. “But at fourteen when everyone’s hormones are out of control. And you tell a young person that they can act on these feelings [not in this life] but in the next life. That just tells them that <i>death</i> is the only thing they can look forward to. That sets them up for suicide. Even single sisters can look forward to marriage as a possibility. The church gives hope to everyone else.” Tammy sought answers and found Affirmation (a support group for LGBT Mormons). When she attended the conference, she met many inspiring people, including Tom Christofferson (Elder Todd Christofferson’s gay brother) who has been a continual support to many in the LDS/LGBT community. It was so spiritual. She felt reassured that we just didn’t have the answers <i>yet</i>, but she never felt that these LGBT kids were bad. She felt stronger than ever that she was needed in the church to help make the changes, but that challenge has been greater than she ever could have imagined. Her heart would be tested again and again. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Becoming a Mama Dragon (Moms who fiercely defend their LGBT children) came easily to Tammy. Being a Mama Dragon sometimes meant dropping everything and attending a funeral of a young man who had committed suicide even though the funeral was four to five hours away and you didn’t know the son or the mother. Sometimes, it meant attending a funeral to support a young LGBT Mormon whose father had just died, but who had said mean things to the son before he passed on. Sometimes it meant meeting other mothers for lunch and sharing your heart with them. Sometimes it means marching in PRIDE parades. </span></span><span style="font-size: large;">When a family member was concerned about her activism and asked her what she was doing because “homosexuality is wrong.” She answered. “I’m doing exactly as our Savior would do.” For Tammy that </span><span style="font-size: large;">means that you will continue to give support whenever and wherever you are needed. </span><span style="font-size: large;">I</span><span style="font-size: large;">t means enlarging the bubble she wanted to surround her son with to include so many others who need protection also.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">It means speaking up even at the most unlikely of places.</span><span style="font-size: large;"> Once when Tammy was attending a basketball game, she sat down next to a mother of one of Kayden’s friends. The mother said she hadn’t seen her for a while and asked how she was doing. Tammy said, other than my life being a rainbow, great, then explained that Kayden was gay. Tammy noticed that the reaction from the woman was very negative and the woman said, “That’s a choice.” So Tammy pulled out her phone and brought up the essay </span></div>
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<a href="http://www.nomorestrangers.org/a-gay-mormon-teen-age-16-writes-an-essay-for-english-class/" target="_blank">A gay Mormon teen (age 16) writes an essay for English class</a></h1>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">that Kayden had written and had the mother read it right there during the half-time of the game. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 23.625px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #555555; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 23.625px;">.</span><span style="font-size: large;">After reading it, the woman had tears in her eyes and said, “I had no idea.” </span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">After the <a href="http://affirmation.org/" target="_blank">Affirmation</a> conference, Tammy and her husband had an appointment for a calling in the ward. She took the opportunity to share her family’s struggle. She stressed that the ward needed to do a better job of being a safe place for her son to attend church. She was able to address the entire bishopric. “It wasn’t the youth, it was the teachers. It all kept coming back to the evil gays.” She trained the bishopric and told them about the PR person in the ward who had access to resources and training material. The bishopric got right on it and trained the teachers. “Things had really started to change and then this policy change happened in early November of 2015. And it really deflated everything. And now at 18, Kayden feels like the church doesn’t want him.” Just days after the talk he gave this <a href="http://lifebeyondparadise.blogspot.com/2016/03/the-big-picture-by-kayden-maxwell.html" target="_blank">powerful talk in church. </a></span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Since then, it’s been extra hard. Tammy has to remind herself of the strong impression she’s received from Heavenly Father. She’s never felt like there wouldn’t be a place for her son in the Celestial Kingdom. She knew her Heavenly Father had a plan and a place for him. Even though the church doesn’t have the answers, it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t have the answers. “I still know that there is a Heavenly Father and that our Savior died for me and for Kayden. I have to hold on to that.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">But lately the heartache has been hard to bear. “I hurt so badly for Kayden, not because he's broken or deformed or has cancer. Because I raised this perfect child in a perfect church with the perfect plan. I had family home evenings every Monday talking about this beautiful plan. I taught him to pray to a Heavenly Father that loved him and a Savior that died for him. I told him of all the good in the world.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">And that there are answers to everything in the scriptures...</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Then I see him falling apart before my eyes and I can't understand. I see him doubt his very existence and wonder why God sent him as such a horrible, awful shameful person. And why had we not had a family night on this? And where is there room for him in <i>this</i> plan I had taught him about over and over?</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I want to carry him through all of it, and knock anyone down who questions me. And I just keep taking it all on...on an unnatural personal level. So I cry a lot. And I feel everything. I know they have their personal free agency...I just don't like the wrecking ball that comes at them…” </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“My hope for Kayden is that I want him to be married to a man someday. I want him to find someone. I want the same thing for all of my gay friends. I want them to have the same thing that I have—a loving family. I think we all deserve the same thing…I would tell any mother or father who is finding out that they have a gay child that they have to know how much you love them. We will have less suicides if we talk openly. Love and withhold judgment. They need to know that the Savior died for all of us.”</span></span></div>
C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-81336677088751383052015-12-08T19:38:00.000-08:002015-12-09T14:06:33.861-08:00Judged "UNWORTHY" to Serve <div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Bloggers note: <i>I met Doree about three years ago. It took me only minutes to know her big smile and big heart were genuine through and through. When this recent policy change to Handbook 1 was leaked, I moped around for a couple of days, feeling utter despair. This couldn’t be my church. But then Doree asked if I wanted to help her take cookies to as many moms with gay kids and gay people that we knew (and could find home.) That’s the kind of person Doree is. One of her many favorite primary song lyrics say Teach me to walk in the light of his love… Doree, so much better than most of us doesn’t just talk the talk, she walks the walk. That anyone could know her and deem her unworthy to serve in God’s kingdom is shocking.</i></span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">It was Saturday on November 21st in Logan, Utah when Doree Burt was busy running errands. On Tuesday evening she was asked to meet with her LDS Stake President to “assess her worthiness.” The call to meet was unusual, and not at her request. Doree had just recently spoken out on public radio about a change in church <a href="http://janariess.religionnews.com/2015/11/07/mormon-apostle-stands-by-new-policy-barring-children-of-same-sex-marriages/" target="_blank">Handbook 1</a>. Knowing that there was a very real possibility that she might not have the chance to attend the temple for a long time, if ever, she pulled into the temple parking lot, temple bag and recommend in hand, wearing jeans and red cowboy boots. It wasn’t the usual attire for temple work, but things in her life, and in the church didn’t seem usual—or right. She knew from her mother, a temple worker, that she would be allowed to participate, in spite of her casual attire.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Doree chose to do initiatory work. “It was so sweet to hear the blessings being given to these women. I found myself feeling like I could really commune with them.” In one of the sets of names there was a woman with only her first name and very little significant geographical information. Doree wondered if perhaps she was an undesirable, maybe a plural wife, or someone not welcomed in society. “I got the sense that she was an <i>other.” </i>One of the other names on the initiatory list could have been royalty, but in God’s kingdom they were the same. By proxy, I was saying to her in God’s kingdom, YOU matter and you matter to God. It was quite possible that some of the women had been mothers, and some could have had gay kids or some of their progeny could be gay. “I thought, yeah, my stake president might be mad at this, and feels like I did wrong for speaking out, but for these women who have passed before, I have their back… If it’s not important for the kids with gay parents to be baptized, then why is it important for me to make sure their dead ancestors are baptized?” </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">The sweet and sacred experience Doree had at the temple fortified her and strengthened her so when she went into the meeting with President Rocky Maughan and her new bishop, a personal friend, she wasn’t afraid. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">In 2012, Doree saw a write-up in the newspaper calling for participants to walk in Pride with Mormons Building Bridges, an organization designed to foster love and understanding of the LGBTQ community, especially where it intersects with Mormonism. She grabbed a friend to join her and even though they were nervous they headed to SLC dressed in Sunday attire. “There was something about people shouting their thanks, not even the applause, but it was that word <i>Thank You</i> that was transformative to me. Seeing the effect, people not just crying and cheering, but absolutely weeping. The reaction of the crowd was disproportionate to what we were doing. All we were doing was walking down the street. It was a defining moment.” So moved by the experience, Doree wrote an op-ed piece that ran in the Salt Lake Tribune. She was then recruited to be a part of the steering committee of Mormons Building Bridges. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"> As part of her role, she helped coordinate entries for thirteen Pride parades last year, not just in SLC, but far away places such as Washington DC, Las Vegas, Kansas, North Carolina and Los Angelos. She campaigned for anti-discrimination measures, testified in senate hearings, spoke at a meeting when a Gay-Straight Alliance had been threatened to be removed in Box Elder County. She was on a panel at Weber State University, and many other panels. In all of these activities, she naturally met lots of LGBT people, heard their stories, met their families, and listened how they navigate the rocky road between Mormonism and being gay. Many, even if they had left the church either voluntarily or by force knew and loved the Mormon church. So even with the difficult path, they walked they often wanted to raise their children in the LDS church. One of Doree’s favorite scriptures is Psalms 115: 105 T<i>hy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path</i>. Her path had been lit and her boots on the ground service felt like divine guidance. While endeavoring to be a light, many have felt her love. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">For the last five years Doree and her husband Pat had been the co-presidents of a special needs mutual held every Thursday night for fifteen stakes, with 40-60 regular participants. Along with that there was a stake president who they worked directly with (not Doree’s stake president), a couple from each stake whose job it was to transport the adult special-needs participants, interact, be joyous and have fun. “I organized about half the activities and the other half were organized by youth groups from the various wards. So this was a great, great calling. Every Thursday was my true Sabbath. If Sunday was nice that was icing on the cake, but Thursday was where love and joyousness reigned.” </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Over the years of involvement with Mormons Building Bridges, Doree had been on the radio over ten times and interviewed by reporters on several occasions. To move the dialogue forward it was important to have the expertise and opinions of someone who was an active member of the church, someone who still loved the gospel, and who understood the church. Add to that someone who had become educated on the best ways to support and create a positive environment for gays, in their families, churches, school, and in life. Whenever possible, Doree made herself available to be a valuable resource to both Mormons and Gays, and often tried to reach out to church leadership as well. About 18 months ago, Doree had been quoted in the newspaper and “several church members reported her to President Maughan.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Mormons Building Bridges began hugging booths at PRIDE events. Doree, along with other members armed themselves with smiles, lots of love, and “Hugged by a Mormon” stickers. Even in Salt Lake City, the reaction among the LGBTQ was often shock. She’d hear, “Are you real Mormons? Does your bishop know you are here? Are you going to be Ex’ed? Can I take a picture, my mom won’t believe this?” Doree said, “Some would stay in your arms a long time. And some said, ‘I wish my mom would hug me like that.’ And often the people would just start crying. Another one we’d hear when we gave the sticker that said, hugged by a Mormon was ‘you just got hugged by a Mormon too.’ It was obvious to me that it was important for people to claim the part of them that was Mormon, whether they were active or not.” </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Last year for the first time, MBB went to Pride in LA. They knew it was risky because of Prop 8. There was definitely a demographic that wanted nothing to do with them. Generally they were white males in their 50’s who have lived through the peak AIDS epidemic. If they’d been LDS they would have been encouraged to marry a woman, and may have even had reparative therapy. Even some parents had been encouraged to choose the church over their children. There was a lot of pain. Building a bridge here would not be easy. An experience that Doree will never forget was seeing a handsome man with a vibrant teal shirt. "<i>I said my same spiel, hey would you like a hug?</i> He said sure, then he saw the <i>Hugged by a Mormon</i> stickers, he said, Mormon, you guys are Mormons? No, I don’t want that. And he just turned and walked away. … I said something like, Oh, I understand. I’m sorry. I’m just sorry. And then probably 30 seconds later, I was standing with my back to where he walked away. I felt a tap, and it was this same guy. He said, I’m sorry, that was rude and I would really like a hug. I said, it wasn’t rude. I get where you’re coming from. I just want to tell you I’m sorry. And he said. No, I really want that hug. So I gave him a hug. After he left the second time, I had to go to the back of the booth, bury my head in my hands, and cry. His pain was so palpable. There are lots of similar moments, but that one will stay with me forever because it was so powerful, just really, really sweet.” </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">On November 5th, Doree and Pat Burt were where they were every Thursday with the special needs mutual. The lesson involved words like love, kindness, charity, service, and hope with yarn attached to a treasure chest. The participants would take turns snipping off the words and putting them on the board. Doree’s phone just kept buzzing. She glanced at it when she had the chance and she saw things like <i>gay relationships are apostate, no blessings, no baptism</i>. “I was surrounded by such kindness and love and acceptance which matched the words we were putting on the board. I thought these two things, the things we are learning about love and kindness and this (policy) cannot be coming from the same source.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">In the days that followed and the policy was verified, she was asked to discuss her feelings about it on a <a href="http://upr.org/post/lds-policy-children-same-sex-couples-thursdays-access-utah" target="_blank">UPR program</a> because they knew her from previous discussions. She explained that she was no longer on the steering committee for MBB, but if they still wanted her, she would be happy to come in. There were three guests being interviewed with various backgrounds and respectful and varying opinions. Doree was honest about her feelings about the policy, that she saw no part of God’s hand or God’s love in this policy. She mentioned her position with the special needs program because that’s where she’d first heard the news, but was clear that she was representing herself. “The same people who put that program together (special needs mutual) cannot be the same people who are saying that we are not going to allow children with same-sex parents to be baptized…and if they want to be baptized at 18 they have to denounce the relationship of their parents. The same relationship that made dinner, and helped with homework, housed, and took care of them. What part of that are they supposed to denounce? I see this as an attack on families. You can’t say we need the gift of the Holy Ghost and then deny some kids the gift and then say the reason you don’t need the Holy Ghost is because we are protecting you. That is just illogical.” </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Doree had considered not showing up to the meeting set for November 24th, but her children encouraged her to stick up for herself. She was hopeful that once President Maughan got to know her, once he heard some of the amazing and loving experiences she’d had as she advocated for gays, his heart would soften. She knew the picture of her was incomplete, having only knee-jerk reactions to reports from perhaps down-the-line members who had never been forced to confront an issue of a gay child, friend, sibling, or parent. So she shared her experiences the best she could, experiences with advocacy that had nothing to do with, and would have no bearing on her Thursday night calling and the special needs adults, she served.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">As she met with President Maughan and her bishop, Pres. Maughan told her he’d listened to the program 4-5 times and wondered if he should play it for her to listen to. She’d told him no, that she knew what she’d said and she stood by it. After she tried to convey her purpose and share some of her memorable experiences, she was excused while they deliberated. By this time, Pat sent her a text asking if he should come and she told him yes. They were called into the office together. Because this was a calling for a couple both were released from their callings as co-presidents of the special needs adult mutual, effective immediately, without regard to the very special needs of adults who get very attached, who don’t do well with change, who had been working hard on a Christmas program; without regards to the other stake president who was working directly with Pat and Doree. Released from a calling they both loved and were exceptionally good at. Released and deemed unworthy to serve because Doree had the courage and honesty to publicly state her opinion. Doree was asked relinquish her temple recommend. Then Pat opened up his wallet and pushed his across the table, but was told that he could keep it. “No, we’re in this together. You take mine as well,” Pat said. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“Our stake president probably felt like he was doing what God wanted him to do, but God also told me one thing. So his access to God isn’t greater than mine, and if there are consequences to be hand, God will hand those out. By punishing me, it has affected Pat, it has affected our advisors that we work with, but more than anything it will affect those 50 adults with special needs and that is inexcusable.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“God loves ALL his children, as they are. And celebrates ALL families. I fear this will be looked back on as a dark time in our church history, but, for me, it is a bright opportunity to claim our holy duty to stand with those who are personally affected. To stand, lovingly, with the marginalized. And stand with God, which is not automatically the same as agreeing with a policy. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. And ALL His precious children and the families that love them.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I know much has been said about this being a policy that will separate the wheat from the tares. I don’t believe people get to decide who goes where. That is a job for Deity. But this I do know. If there are figurative piles of people, I will be in the one with the discarded children. Every time.”</span></span></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-43635160893185209062015-11-28T16:11:00.000-08:002015-11-28T16:11:16.336-08:00A Young Gay Man Speaks Out<span style="font-size: large;">Bloggers note: Three weeks after the controversial policy change, I'm posting the thoughts of my friend Kade Kimber. Even though the LDS church clarified some things about their <a href="http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/handbook-changes-same-sex-marriages-elder-christofferson" target="_blank">policy change</a>, they left some of the most hurtful aspects in. I won't try to defend an indefensible policy. My heart broke along with many, many of my friends' hearts who been hoping for a more inclusive church.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The following is Kade's response. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">As with many of you who are LDS or have close ties to the LDS community, these past few days have been surprising, confusing, and perhaps disappointing after it was revealed that Church policy now excludes the children of same-sex couples from participating in religious ordinances (such as naming blessings for infants and baptisms for children who are eight years old) until they are adults, leave their home, and disavow the practice of their same-sex parents' relationship. Additionally, those in same-sex marriages (or, as I like to call it, "marriage") are also now considered to be apostates. If this is the first you're hearing of this: A) you don't have many LDS friends in your news feed, and 2) you can imagine it is a lot to digest.<br />For those unfamiliar with the LDS Church, there is a difference between doctrine and policy. Policies are put into place to reenforce doctrine. In this case, the doctrine is that same-sex relationships are a sin; this specific policy relates back to that. While doctrine doesn't really change, as the gospel is the gospel, policies can change--and the Church has a very robust history of altering policies over time. So, it's certainly not the first time a new policy has been implemented. Some context was added when a representative of the Church conducted an interview in which he tried to explain that this policy was designed to help protect children from being taught religious beliefs that are a direct contradiction to their home life.<br />So, with that as background, this is what I know to be true:<br />1) God loves all of us. Even us gays. And any children we may have. (By "we", I mean the gay community--not me and Artis specifically. Sorry, Mom. You'll just have to be content with the two adorable, brilliant grandsons you already have...)<br />2) The Atonement transcends any Church policy, regardless of if it's ill-conceived or not. It all works out in the end. The interim may suck, but big-picture it's merely a blip in time.<br />3) This policy's existence does not make every Church member a gay-hating bigot, even if they agree with the policy as a matter of unquestioning faith and/or as a religious principle. Hurtful blanket statements about a very diverse group of people--many of whom truly love their brothers & sisters, regardless of sexuality differences--doesn't help bring peace to anyone or a troubling situation.<br />4) Those who don't agree with the policy are not anti-LDS, faith-lacking individuals, nor are they apostates for questioning the policy. (I find commentary and articles that state otherwise to be a bit ironic, given the fact that the Church was founded because Joseph Smith questioned what he was hearing around him. Additionally, as a general practice, anyone in or out of the Church is encouraged to question what they're hearing in order to gain their own personal testimonies. So, I'm much more troubled by those that are against others questioning this than I am by those who are most vocal about struggling with this policy.) God's a big boy. He can handle any questions or anger thrown His way. There's no need to tear down those who are already hurting in some sort of attempt to defend God or your religious beliefs. If you're solid in your beliefs, you shouldn't feel threatened by others seeking to form their own.<br />5) This hurts a lot of people--on both sides of the fence. You may not be one of those people. You may not even have many ties to people who are hurt. But, please don't for a second think that this doesn't hurt others. So, compassion and an extra measure of love can go a long way--and that's true in both directions.<br />As far as where I'm at with it... Very few of you reading this will understand what it's like to be gay and Mormon, nor do I expect you to. I don't talk about it much, but I'll just tell you it's far from easy & I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. (For those outside of the Mormon faith, it's hard to explain just how much cultural impact and personal identity is associated with one's membership in the Church. Suffice it to say, it extends far beyond religious beliefs.) I thought I'd made about as much peace with it as anyone could do and that I'd found a space in which I could comfortably exist. That peace was shattered this past week & quite frankly, I'm struggling mightily to make sense of it. I can't tell you how many times I've had to remind myself these past few days of the mantra to keep calm and carry on, as it is weighing so heavily on my mind & heart.<br />For me personally, this policy makes it that much harder to want to be associated with the LDS Church. From where I sit, this does not feel right, it does not feel like something Jesus would do, it does not align to how I interpret scripture (such as Matthew 19:14--which has long been a personal favorite of mine), the defense of its existence feels like a feeble attempt at justification, it certainly doesn't feel like it comes from a place of love, it feels political and not remotely inspired, it does not feel like it's protecting anyone but the Church, it feels exclusionary and like a targeted attack, and it undoes any goodwill I feel the Church was beginning to make with the gay community. (Just this past week, I was telling a friend that I was encouraged at how much progress the Church was making in regards to relations with the gay community. I take back every single one of those words.)<br />I fully recognize that I'm in an emotional place right now and that the hurt side of me is talking. I don't know how much my opinion will change once more time passes (it took me two days to calm down enough to even address this without completely losing it), but in the current space I'm in, I'm struggling. And I know I'm not alone. So, I would ask that you please show some compassion & regard for others' feelings when you're posting, reposting, or sharing social media content related to why this policy is such a wonderful blessing and inspired revelation. For some of us, the world isn't so black and white & we have to work extra hard to make sense of all the gray...</span></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-15984177016003172162015-10-18T10:04:00.001-07:002015-10-18T10:07:26.529-07:00'"Please share my final words..." A Woman Named AshleyAshely Hallstrom's final message.<br />
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“These are going to be my final words. I can’t stand to live another day, so I’m committing suicide. The reason why I’ve decided to do this is because I’m transgender. For those of you unsure of what that means, it means that even though I was born in a male body, I am and have always been female. Please share my final words. I believe my last words can help make the change that society needs to make so that one day there will be no others like me. Please help make this change because trans people are everywhere. You may never know who you’re hurting until it’s too late. Please help fix society.”</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times; line-height: normal;">Haunted by these <a href="http://news.hjnews.com/allaccess/her-name-was-ashley-please-share-my-final-words/article_7ca8d6fc-b057-5d6e-87c4-492166b2ca87.html" target="_blank">final words</a>, my husband and I ventured out on a cool, drizzly night to stand under a pavilion in Smithfield, Utah with mostly strangers to light a candle for someone I'd never met. </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Times; line-height: normal;">I'm glad we did, so that I could put a face to the <a href="http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/utah-suicide-hotlines.html" target="_blank">desperate act</a>. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Amongst those gathered were others, who like me didn't know her. Some from the trans* community in Salt Lake came to join us and express how her loss will affect them and others who are also transgender, but not just those who are trans, any and all of us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Friends and those who worked with Ashley at Convergys spoke of her humor, kindness, shy smile, tiny wave, and compassion. One young woman said, she met her because she heard crying in a bathroom stall, "not unusual at work," she quipped. But she quietly knocked of the door and asked if she could help. Ashley was the first <a href="http://hotline.translifeline.org/" target="_blank">transgender</a> woman she'd ever met. They talked, they hugged, they became friends. We never know what people are dealing with or hiding behind their smile. Few really knew how much bravery to took Ashley to face each day. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Others said that she was smart and always looked for ways to help others at work. One older woman who worked with Ashley expressed how Ashley would go out of her way to help her with the technology that she needed to work on each day. The woman expressed that we should think of Ashley as more than a label, that we should take her last words to reach out in kindness to others. I was glad to hear that Ashley will be remembered and missed, and that she will leave a big hole in the hearts of her friends, family, and co-workers. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">My plea is for education. Get out of your comfort zone. Reach out to someone who is different than you are. Learn more about the LGBTQIA community. Yes, even though I've been learning about these complex issues for years now, I had to look up what those letters mean. Talk to people. Make a friend. Get online and read stories from an LGBTQ person's perspective. Learn about suicide prevention. Be ready to have your heart ripped out of your chest and expect a paradigm shift that will leave you forever changed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">At the candlelight vigil another expressed that Ashley's wish to change society is a desire to change us. "Society is me. Society is you." Don't look outside and expect others to change, do something. And as Mahatma Ghandi said.</span></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-72258499296578887802015-08-31T14:59:00.002-07:002015-08-31T14:59:31.925-07:00The Twist: The Nearly Ruined Christmas Teaches A Lesson on Being Christlike<span style="font-size: large;"><em style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Blogger's Note: </em><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><i>This post was first published last year on <a href="http://www.nomorestrangers.org/" target="_blank">No More Strangers</a> . Recently I heard this story again when I was invited to attend a lunch with some fabulous "mama dragons" held at Kathryn's home. When this story was told, I wanted to share it with my friends who may not have seen it yet. I am continually blessed by my friendships with inspiring women like Kathryn Hueth. I learn so much from them. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><em style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">By Kathryn Hueth (a proud mama dragon)</em><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">The Sunday prior to Christmas 2013 will be forever remembered because of an experience we had at church. After returning home, having had time to calm down and share feelings with my family, I felt prompted to post the following on my Facebook page.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I have been looking forward to today so much not just because of it being Christmas Sunday, but because it would be the first time in a very long time that I would have my whole family together in church. My heart was full as I watched my adult son and daughter drawing on each other’s backs during Sacrament Meeting. Memories came flooding back of the 19 years our family has spent worshiping and participating in activities in that building. I persuaded my son to stay for Sunday School because I wanted our time together to continue in that environment. He made a funny comment that the lesson better not be about the recent change in legislation regarding same-sex marriage. I assured him it would not – it would be on Christ’s life and teachings with it being Christmas Sunday.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I could not have been more wrong. I am not going to elaborate on the teacher’s comments or those of a couple of class members but suffice it to say my gay son turned to me and said he could not endure listening to any more and politely excused himself. I then noticed my daughter in tears sitting on his other side. I turned to my husband and we all stood and left. We found our son walking home in the cold. This sort of occurrence is unfortunately happening in thousands of church buildings around the world – families striving to live the Gospel to the best of their abilities while supporting and loving gay family members, sit silently dying inside as their beloved family members are disparaged by other’s comments. No one should leave a church meeting where we profess to be learning about Christ’s teachings in an effort to more fully follow him, feeling less loved or valued because they are different in ANY way. May we all remember what is at the core of Christ’s teachings – LOVE. (End of post)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">As we exited the classroom, a few of our ward members standing in the hall asked what was wrong, and through a veil of tears, I announced that Kyle was gay! I explained that we had left because of the offensive comments that were made, and by the way, Kyle is more Christlike than half the people sitting in that class! This was exhibited when at home, he said he was not angry and knew their comments were made out of ignorance and fear, and didn’t want us to be angry at anyone either. He is an amazing, generous and loving person and I am so proud to be his mother! I am not sure what transpired after we left the building or how the word got around, but it certainly did! Within a few minutes of the block of meetings ending, we had several ward members on our doorstep, and others calling and texting to express their disgust at what had occurred and to express their love and support for Kyle and our family. We also received a heartfelt apology from the teacher and came to know and love him more because of some things he shared with us. My Facebook post received an outpouring of support, shared stories of similar experiences, and most importantly, an awakening of people’s awareness to this situation that is so prevalent throughout the church. Here are just a few of the comments shared –</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">* I would say that some very valuable lessons have been taught and learned through you and your families beautiful words. May this be a reminder to ALL of us to remember Christ’s teachings of love and acceptance of EVERYONE And especially this Christmas season as we celebrate His birth! Loves and a very Merry Christmas to you and your cute family! Xoxoxoxoxo</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">* Some of the best sermons are never preached from a pulpit. Thanks!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">* Wow Kathryn, I REALLY can’t agree more with what you said here. You are amazing and so is your family. I especially like the end of your post – the last sentence beginning with ‘No one should leave a church meeting where we profess to be learning about Christ’s teachings in an effort to more fully follow him, feeling less loved or valued because they are different in ANY way…” You are ‘spot on’! Hugs to you my friend!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">* Ohhh Kathryn… I am sooo sorry! There is NO pain that hurts more, mental or physical, as the pain a mother feels when one of her children are hurting! Please try to look past this experience and know Kyle is loved by so many, most importantly our Heavenly Father and Mother. My love to you and your family. Xoxox</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">* Kathryn, I very much appreciate your comments. I commend you as you likely had to exercise great strength in taking the high road as you expressed your feelings. I too struggle when it comes to casting judgement on people for not thinking or acting like I think they should. I think how much heartache I could have avoided if I would have had more respect for another’s difference. I welcome the day when a couragous LDS gay couple shows up to church with their adopted children because they want them to someday be baptized, receive the priesthood and get sealed in a temple. This is not at all inconceivable. Collectively this could help us to exercise greater sensitivity as we speak and act inside and outside of church. I thank you, Mark, Kyle and Megan for your grace in sharing this experience and reminding us of what the Babe of Bethlehem represented. Merry Christmas!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">The story continued when on Christmas morning, our doorbell rang and one of the ward members who had made some of the offensive comments in class was standing there and expressed a very real need to talk with all of us. After expressing regret at his choice of words while expressing some opinions in class, he showed us a framed picture of two women with two small children. One of the women in the picture was his gay daughter. The silence in the room was deafening. I was so stunned I didn’t know how to respond. He explained that he had never really known how to deal with this in his family and had called her for the first time in a very long time and had a wonderful talk.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">This experience indelibly imprinted on my heart the importance of being honest with one another concerning our circumstances in this journey we call life on earth. We all have burdens, pains and challenges and we need not attempt to navigate through this difficult path alone. Ignorance, intolerance and fear will always be part of this life, but should most certainly not be a part of a church professing to contain the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I’m afraid that His teachings are often lost amidst the misguided self-righteous interpretations of man. Because we know how fully and unconditionally our Father in Heaven loves ALL of His children, are we not then required to do the same? After all is said and done, I truly believe that man will be judged most on how their love or lack of love impacted other’s ability to grow, develop and reach their divine potential.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I am so very grateful to have been given the unique opportunity to be a mother to a gay child. It has provided me with the opportunity to push through walls in my heart and mind and develop a depth of love and empathy of which I did not realize I was capable, and now have such a profound desire to share with the hope that others with gay family members will come to this same realization that they are in a unique and truly blessed situation through which they too can learn to love in a way far beyond what they thought possible, thereby forever impacting lives, even saving lives, as a result! </span></span><br />
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-9358972563988868632015-07-12T17:17:00.002-07:002015-07-14T18:42:08.657-07:00What do Huck Finn, and the LDS and the LGBT Have in Common?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes our choices and paths in life are clear. And sometimes they are muddied with the shoulds, what ifs, social expectations, and church doctrine. Many Christian and Mormon parents are faced with a less than clear path and with less than clear options in guiding their gay children. For our LGBT friends and family members the choices may be excruciatingly difficult. Some, literally give up friends and the love of their family, in order to live an authentic life, while others are not pushed into such a lonely path. Those who have a fully affirming family support system are much less likely to get into drugs, be sexually promiscuous, or commit suicide. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Recently, I had a conversation with a mother who has a gay son. As an active LDS member, she knows the path she should encourage him to follow—that is one of celibacy while adhering closely to the gospel—but as a mother who wants him to have every opportunity she’s had in life—she can’t do that. “If I am going to hell, I’m going to hell,” she lamented. “But, I don’t want my son to go through life alone with no one to cherish, love and protect him. And I want him to have the legal protections of marriage.” Some suggest that gays and lesbians marry those of the opposite sex in order to have the full blessings of the gospel and ensure a place in the eternities, but that choice is often fraught with eventual heartbreak and shame. As a straight member of the church, I long for a day when we fully recognize the gifts those who are gay often have, not in spite of who they are, but because of who they are. Someday I envision a church where our gay members won’t just be tolerated, they will be fully engaged in every aspect of the gospel. Our millennial generation may very well be the ones who receive the revelations needed because their hearts will be ready and open for change.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">My friend’s dilemma reminded me of Huck Finn. Huck is helping a runaway slave and good friend, Jim. He is breaking a civil law. He is breaking a moral code of his Christian church. He is telling lies to do it. When he tries to pray he feels stumped because he cannot pray a lie. His logical brain helps him though the conflict and he writes a note to give Jim up. Twain uses this superb moral conflict so that the reader is drawn into the tale and examines the choices while drawing parallels with the society at large. The following excerpt is from after Huck writes the note. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I felt good as if I’d been cleansed of all the sin for the first time in my life. I’d never felt so good, and I knew I could pray now. But I didn’t start praying right away—I set the paper down and just sat there thinking about how good it was that everything had happened the way it had and how nearly I’d come to being lost forever and going to hell. And I kept on thinking. I got to thinking about our entire trip down the river, and I saw Jim in my head the whole time—in the daytime and in the nighttime, sometimes in the moonlight, sometimes during storms, and sometimes while we were just floating along, talking and singing and laughing. But for some reason I just couldn’t come up with anything that would make me feel indifferently toward him. In fact, it was just the opposite. I could see him taking a double watch so that I could go on sleeping. I saw how glad he was when I came back out of the fog and when I came to him in the swamp back there where the feud was. And I remembered other good times. He would always call me honey and pet me and do everything he could for me. I remembered how good he always was to me. And finally I remembered the time I saved him by telling the men people infected with smallpox were aboard our raft, and how he’d been so grateful and said I was the best friend he’d ever had and the only one he had now. And then I happened to look down and see my letter to Miss Watson.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">It was a difficult situation. I picked up the letter, and held it in my hand. I was trembling, because I knew had to make a choice between two things, and the outcome of my decision would last forever. I thought about it a minute while I held my breath. And then I said to myself:</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“All right, then, I’ll GO to hell"—and tore it up.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes this is the kind of decision my friends with LGBT kids make. In a metaphorical sense they tear the note up. Even though they study scriptures, conference talks, and handbooks to find the answers. Even though they talk to their church leaders and hang on every hopeful word, in the end they often find themselves on their knees seeking an answer that may not be found in the church curriculum. The answers come, often in a whispering of the spirit. And the answers are just for them, not for the entire church, or even for their other friends with gay kids, who are getting their own, and sometimes different answers, or even for their child who might also be on their knees finding their own answers. While the specifics vary, over and over the underlying answer is to love first and foremost, but beyond that—God finds a way to reach the individual families and those of the LGBT community and show them their own unique path. He reminds them that, “Not everyone will understand your journey, but that’s okay, it’s not theirs. It’s yours.” Tear up the note and have a good life. </span></span></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-89110608447647543172015-06-01T19:03:00.000-07:002015-06-02T20:14:41.402-07:00"She Never Chose to be Gay"<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Last month, I headed down to Riverton to meet with the Mama Dragons and one of our favorite people:<a href="http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/54091008-80/gay-god-wrong-kirby.html.csp" target="_blank"> Robert Kirby</a>. Kirby is an active LDS columnist, who says his favorite church calling is the nursery, "because I'd rather smell s*** than listen to it in high priests." At our lunch meeting he explained that when he first started writing about LGBT issues, he didn't really care too much about same-sex marriage, but eventually he took an official stand. He suggested we try to maintain a sense of humor while working toward equality for those we love. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">One of the Mama Dragons I met at Salsa Leedos was Nancy. We had a great conversation and shed a few tears together. She is just one of many typical, yet atypical Mormon moms I've met in recent years. Her passion for her daughter to have full rights is inspiring. The following story was written by Nancy. </span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>When you have four daughters you have to be ready for everything and I thought I was. I was ready for sibling rivalry, menstrual periods at the same time, fighting over boys and much, much more. Having lived through four teenage girls I thought I'd survived the hardest part of parenthood. But nothing really prepared me for the events of the last seven years.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"> I will start at the beginning.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">My third daughter Megan, was born without fanfare. I had no premonitions about the kind of person she would mature to be. I did notice an extraordinary compassion in her, however. When she was only 18 months old and our fourth daughter was born, Megan's first words were "baby cute.” Unlike my two older girls, there was never any sibling rivalry between her and her younger sister. Throughout her childhood she always seemed to befriend children that no one else would. In fact, she seemed to have a childlike innocence that lasted beyond her late puberty. She was always a faithful Latter-Day-Saint Girl. She went to BYU Idaho, the most conservative Mormon college. When she did not date I really didn't think much about it, since education then marriage was my motto. My suspicions started when she developed an extraordinary close relationship with another women she met at college. At one point her father and I made it clear we would love her unconditionally but it brought no declaration.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Then one day about a year after she graduated she was visiting this friend in Idaho. She had taken the bus up there and I was afraid she had missed it. (We had missed a collect call from her saying she was afraid she would miss the bus.) As she had no cell phone, I decided I would try to call her friend and see if she made it. I opened what I thought was her address book to find her friend's phone number. It wasn't an address book however, it was her diary. As it happened the entry I opened upon was one admitting she was gay. So began the journey.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>I could never tell her I knew without telling her how I knew. I was afraid she would think I was deliberately snooping. I could not tell any friends without violating her privacy. Forget telling anyone in our ward, not only did I not want to violate my her privacy but I wanted no ones pity. I knew full well the church’s teachings on homosexuality. Boyd Packer had especially reiterated that gay was a choice and could be cured. Thus began the cognitive dissonance between what I was taught and what I observed to be true. The most faithful church wise of all my children I knew she never chose to be gay. I also knew she was not an abomination, an affliction, or any adjective that would imply a defect. As the years passed and the church dug it's heels in over its opposition to gay marriage and any kind of reaching out to LGBT members, I saw my daughter slowly drift away from us. She even talked about moving to Canada. I mistakenly attributed my deepening depression to a stressful job, but a break from working and a new job didn't fix me. I finally admitted the problem when a friend confided in me her nephew was gay. Finally not alone! </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">After I confided to her, she had her sister get me into some support groups. The most influential of them was the Momma Dragon Council. The sorrow in this group was huge, many had lost their gay children to suicide. Yet the love and support I saw was more powerful than anything I seen before. They supported all gay children not just their own with the most Christ-like love I'd ever seen. All my pent up emotions, all the hurt I'd felt over church teachings were finally expressed. I was finally able to communicate love and acceptance to my daughter and finally able to rid myself of the conflict I felt over my religious teachings and full support for my daughter. What does my daughter need? She doesn't need compassion. She needs to be treated like everyone else and have all of the opportunities and obligations available to everyone, including the opportunity to choose a person to marry and spend the rest of her life with.</span></span></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-49868171269189732112015-04-25T13:53:00.000-07:002015-06-01T19:08:43.047-07:00Passing All Understanding: A Mother's Story<div class="p1">
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Almost twenty-six years ago, I sat in a hospital bed in a maternity ward after the birth of my fourth child—my third son. He was born on Memorial Day and the events of that day are strong in my memory. But the clearest memory came after the delivery as I sat in my hospital bed. I wondered what his life would be like.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">And as I wondered, I had a very clear impression. I may have just thought it with all of the other questions, but it seemed more precise somehow—more than just a thought. <b>In that moment I knew clearly that this son would come to me one day to tell me that he was gay. </b></span></span><br />
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I have never been under the delusion that gayness was a learned act, or a choice, or that it could be changed—although wouldn’t it be wonderful if enough faith could move that mountain—but I knew from my own experience, that in a person who had perfection anxiety, it can be a worry. I wondered for a moment what I was meant to do with this information, quietly whispered to my heart, and came to the conclusion that I needed to know this so that I would be prepared to reassure him, on that future day, that it was just a worry, and that he need not fear. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">As the years went by, I put all those thoughts away somewhere in my heart, but I remembered my impression. He was the best baby I had ever seen. He was peaceful and calm and contented, a joy and light in my own dark time of depression. I watched him grow and become a beautiful, creative, thoughtful boy. When you looked into his “sprite eyes” you could see an amazing, loving, trusting, deeply thinking child. He was precise and careful. He was so concerned with doing and being just right.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I watched his love for music and all kinds of creative pursuits. He loved to have deep, philosophical discussions. He is intelligent and funny—full of humor with a special grasp of irony. He has always cared deeply for the people around him. Children, who always seem to be able to sense the goodness in people, love him and even though he essentially ignores them half the time, they hang around where he is. I believe it is because he has a peaceful energy—spirit, if you will. But he was never happy enough with anything he did, or with his ability to do it. He wasn’t overly confident, but was overly cautious and careful. His greatest pursuit seemed to be to get whatever he was doing exactly right.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">He seemed to have a pretty big crush on a girl in his school class when he was eleven or so, but he never dated at all and wasn’t terribly at ease around any girls but his older sister and her friends. I never pushed him to date. He wasn’t very comfortable with physical contact and had a bit of a germ phobia, so I wasn’t surprised. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">He didn’t have the voice inflections and physical attributes most associated with gayness. He didn’t have any of the more feminine affectations. He was creative and quiet and not terribly interested in sports, although he is an amazing hiker, and his eye/hand co-ordination is impressive. But I knew, by little comments and worried expressions, that he was becoming concerned with his sexuality. <b>I watched and waited</b> for him to come to me with his concerns.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>I will ever be grateful for the innate understanding of these things that I seemed to possess</b>—the calm I carried and the complete lack of homophobia that I have always felt. Every young man, and the one young woman that I knew who were gay, were among the most thoughtful, unselfish, funny and kind people I knew. I couldn’t comprehend or predict the impact that it would have on any individual and family. But I could only see that love was the answer to any of this—to everything. I was blessed to always see mercy and to see little necessity for meting out justice. I was blessed to be the right mother for this son, and with the Spirit that taught me, a little at a time, to listen and feel what I needed to know and understand. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>I was so disappointed in the campaign started by meaningful members of the church to oppose gay marriage.</b> I just can’t understand why it matters to us. I started to see that for most LDS people fighting for family meant fighting against gay people. I watched as people protested the showing of Broke Back Mountain, while in the next theatre there was a horrifying movie about mass murder and torture—unimaginable cruelty—that no one seemed to even notice or be phased by. Who are all of these people that are thinking they are being so righteous when they have completely lost the most important of godlike attributes—charity—love—the love that passes all understanding—the pure love of Christ?</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I was not surprised at all when the day finally came that my son tried to tell me of his fears. He was trying to get ready to go on a mission. He was struggling with his disappointments in his own imperfections. He didn’t think he was worthy to go, and I knew that much of it was because of his concerns about sexual feelings. But I waited and he finally came to talk with me. </span></span><br />
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">This is another clear memory. <b>I was calm. </b> I felt reassured and I tried to reassure him. I told him what I had always planned to tell him—that he is not the only person to have ever worried if he was gay, but that it didn’t necessarily mean he was—that it didn’t mean he wasn’t. I watched the tears drip from his nose, into his hands. I told him I knew a few things for sure—that I loved him and that he was loved by a Heavenly Father whose love would never change for him whether he went on a mission or not, whether he got married or not. I think it helped in those moments, and for a while, but the path was just beginning to unwind before him. I hoped that my hopes for him were true—that he would realize that it was just part of his perfection anxiety and that his wouldn’t be that most difficult path. But I watched, and I knew.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">When he was around twenty-two, he asked me once when he would have to get married. I told him that both my dad and brother didn’t marry until they were twenty-eight so not to even worry about it until then. The look of relief on his face was almost comical—the feeling of relief was palpable. Later, he asked me several times if it would be fair to marry a girl if you couldn’t love her completely. I knew what he was asking, and I was surprised to hear myself tell him that it definitely would not be the right thing to do. Everyone deserves a chance to be loved completely. It would not work out well in the end. I had seen it before and it was not best for anyone involved. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Why wasn’t I telling him that it would work—that you just had to trust—that you would learn to love each other enough—that it would be the right thing to do? Wasn’t that what I had heard long ago was the solution—the cure? I wanted to know something different. I wanted to be absolutely sure that the religion I love and the understanding I had about my son, and all of these sons and daughters, were in line with each other. I wanted to know all of the answers, <b>but the only answer there really was, and is, that saves families and people, is love. </b> Love this child. Love these people, and those people, and make sure that everyone knows that there is a place for them—that they are loved.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">That was it. That was what I knew—what I know.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Two Christmases ago, Utah was all ablaze with the gay marriage fight. At our house, my oldest son was particularly vocal in its condemnation. I tried to steer the conversation away, but it would constantly be brought back. I knew my oldest son loved his younger brother, but he had no idea. Everyone but my husband and I, and his older sister closest to him, just thought that he was shy, anxious and O.C.D. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">The day after Christmas I was so anxious for him. He was depressed and withdrawn. I knew, had always known, and still wished for denial, but he asked if he could speak with his dad and me. So, in the quiet of our bedroom, after years of prayers and tears and anguish, my son finally let himself say out loud to me and to his dad that he was not like all of the lucky people in his family, who could—with the blessings of heaven—find a mate, have beautiful children, enjoy all of the blessings of the temple, believe in God and still be happy with themselves, repent of small or serious sins and still have the hope of every good desire being someday met. He is gay. He has become labeled and put in a very small box. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">The thought of all of these things was becoming well beyond bearable for him. <b>He was in complete despair.</b> But maybe because I had never voiced all of the negative notions, or preached a different line than love, he chose to come to me and to his dad at the bleakest moment and ask for our love and acceptance and help. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I could have gone to wake him the next morning to come and join the family, and found him, and found the note telling me that he had given up, but instead I watched him as the tears dripped from his nose, and listened and prayed for the right words to say. I heard my black-and-white-world husband tell his son how much he loved him and stop before he said too much. I watched them hug each other. <b>I cried with him and felt the Spirit as strong as I have ever known witness to me that he was known and loved and in God’s watchful care. </b></span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>One at a time, throughout the next year, he told each of his siblings. </b> There was some surprise, but not a single bad reaction or unkind word—only love and support. He was employed by my second son, who one day insisted to know what was wrong. When he was told, he simply asked why my son hadn’t told him sooner and then went back to work. A few minutes later he came back to reassure his younger brother that they would always be friends.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">My oldest son and his sweet wife continued to invite him to dinner and her family get-togethers for holidays and birthdays. Then, when his loneliness and anxiety were overwhelming him again, I told him to go see them and get a hug from his little nephew who absolutely adores him. While he was there that night, he asked if he could move in and rent the room in their basement, and they invited him without hesitation and with open arms. </span></span><br />
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">We are all still puzzled by how this all works in our world. I cry sometimes and tell God how ridiculous this all is—that I am angry—that I don’t want to lose Him—that I won’t lose my son. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">One day the words came to my mind—hold on to your faith, it will be the only thing he has sometimes. He is not believing in the God I love right now—which is completely understandable. But I told him, that day after Christmas, that when the darkness comes and he despairs again, to promise me that he will pray before he makes any decisions—that he will call me or dad, that he will trust our love—that he will chose the light, or if he can no longer see even a spark, that he will ask someone to help him see some light again.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">It is the Savior’s light. He loves my son. He has suffered his anguish. It doesn’t make sense to me now, but I know enough to know that there are more answers than are given to us in the simple parts of the gospel. We are given more as we utilize what we have. And what we have is this commandment:</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“Wherefore, … pray with all of the energy of your heart that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons (and daughters) of God; that when He shall appear we shall be like Him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.” (Moroni 7:48)</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">This isn’t talking about praying for all of these things separately. These things come to you <b><i>if</i> you <i>have</i> charity—the pure love of Christ. You cannot have more knowledge, you can’t be like God, you can’t be purified, or have real hope without love. Because without charity you are nothing.</b></span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">“But whoso shall offend one of these little ones …, it were better for him that a millstone be hanged about his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”(Matt 18:6)</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">My son is one of these little ones. There are those that, in the name of all that is good, would harm him — would say the words that would offend him — that make him uncomfortable before the table of God, that choose to teach him to despise himself, even though he, too, is a child of God. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>But charity never fails</b>, and it will be well with you if you are possessed of it when someone’s son needs a kind word, and a loving touch from you.</span></span></div>
C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-52629252068265011402015-01-14T17:39:00.000-08:002015-04-25T15:14:27.584-07:00"No One Should be Wronged for Loving Who They Love" <div class="p1">
<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;"><b>Note from blogger: Normally this blog has been about parents supporting their gay children, but in this case it's the mother who is gay. I know you'll want to know more about my friend Allison Hosler Carr. </b></span><br />
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<span class="s1"><b>She had everything.</b> A beautiful house edged by a mountain stream, stunning scenery framed in every window, four lovely daughters and a handsome husband. Successful, happy, sweet, an enviable life. At least that was the image. Within a short time, she would lose everything… except for her courage. And she was going to need it. </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;">I first met Allison nearly six years ago when we were building our home near hers. She had a small cabinet business and had donated a vanity for a fundraiser auction for a family devastated by a farming accident and another family by a fire. We were in need of a vanity and won the bid. So my first encounter showed her generosity. I would find that trait to be consistent with everything I would learn about her in the following year. Late night instant messaging chats revealed her life’s story pecked out a sentence at a time, night after night. There was a fracture in the picture perfect scene that would rip it wide open. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;"><b>Allison was adopted</b>. Like many adopted kids, she grew up feeling conflicted in her love for her adoptive parents and the unknown parents, the ones who gave her up. At age 13, she was sexually molested by an adult "acquaintance." She would keep this secret from almost everyone. When she finally told her LDS bishop, he asked her “how she was complicit.” The violation of being molested and then violated again by the assumption that she was responsible would cause further self-esteem issues. <i>Did she bring it on herself?</i> She began to question whether anyone truly loved her. At 18 she searched out and found her birth parents. Her father hadn’t known about her. Her birth mother, the mother she had hoped could reveal who she really was, rejected her. Devastated, she told me that she didn’t think anyone in her whole life loved her unconditionally. Fortunately, she would find out how wrong she was in that thought, but that realization was still down a very hard road. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;">I knew Allison had questions about the church we both belonged to. I naively thought I could help her shelve all those pesky inconsistencies the way I had and remain a faithful member. But my life was nothing like hers. Finally, after lots of long talks, walks, lunches together and deep conversations, she said <b>she had a secret, “I’m gay.”</b> It was a secret that once revealed was about to change everything. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;">And it did. Her marriage ended. A downturn in the economy was tough on a sideline cabinet business. Mostly, Allison had supported her husband in his business and was a full-time homemaker. Without his income, she had nothing. They lost their house. Allison’s car was repossessed. No job, no house, no car and no where for her kids to stay when they were with her. Gaining custody of her children was not a given in her case. She told me she wanted her kids to know she fought for them. And she would do everything to make a home for them.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;"><b>Within a short time, my beautiful friend’s life looked like a disaster</b>. An implosion. An impossible consequence, much too much loss and all because she chose to reveal a not so simple truth about herself. Twenty years earlier, she had been given a priesthood blessing, a promise that her same-sex attraction would go away. She just needed to get married and live the gospel. She followed that promise. She did what she thought was the right thing. Once after her life fell apart and she had moved, Allison asked me why God hated her so much. I’d long since stopped having any answers for her. Those pat basic Sunday school answers just didn’t apply. All I could do was assure her that in time things would get better. I believe that above all, Allison’s greatest strength is her courage. Her adoptive parents turned out to be one of her greatest supports, showing their unconditional love after all. She’d started putting her life together again. She enrolled in school, got a job, found a place to live, and continued the fight to make a place for her kids. Her children were unsure of the situation They'd been told that being "gay is a sin." But love wins. And her children have rallied so magnificently. It took a while, but finally it looked like Allison’s life had turned around. She found the love of her life, Lauren. And before it was legal in the state of Utah, she and Lauren married in California. But the story is not over. Although Allison has the love and support of her spouse, many friends and family, she lost her dad one year ago. She was fortunate to have found him to be a truly noble man, a father she will continue to miss greatly. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;"><b>Jennifer, her youngest was only ten </b>when her world fell apart along with the rest of the family. Just part of the great collateral damage of divorce. I got a chance to visit with Jennifer and I asked her if she’d thought being gay was a choice. She said, she hadn’t really thought about it before her mother told her. “I wasn’t really shocked. You think I would have been, but in a way I thought it was normal. As I've gotten older (she’s 15 now) I’ve developed an open mind and I’m really grateful that I have. I know no one would ever choose to be gay. We, my three sisters and mom, were kicked out of our house. We were left with nothing. No one should be wronged for loving who they love.” </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;"><b>“My mom is my hero.</b> She has fought for me, been there, cared, and made me who I am. My mom and I have a special bond. We feel each other's happiness and sadness. I can turn to her for everything. She would do anything for me. I would do anything to be half the woman my mom is one day. I believe that no one should be looked down on or be treated differently for the gender they love. Whether they have the same body parts or the opposite. I support my mom because she's my mom. She takes care of me and who she loves doesn't change that.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;">I wondered what Jennifer thought about her mother and Lauren getting married. Most kids have a hard time when their divorced parents marry again, but this wasn’t just any marriage. “My mom and Lauren got married a couple of years ago. And I couldn't be more thankful. For a while I was scared to tell my friends. I didn't want anyone to know. I was afraid of getting made fun of. But soon realized that if I show I'm okay with it, then other peoples opinions don't effect mine, I decided not to care and embrace it. Most kids think its cool, and those who don’t, I don’t need anyway. I love having Lauren in my life. She is a huge supporter. Every teen argues with their parents. But at the end of the day, I know I can count on both my mom and Lauren. They are just like any other pair of parents with rules, support, and love.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;">That doesn’t sound all that controversial does it? <b>“Just like any parents.”</b> I began this post with saying that it seemed like Allison had it all, then nothing. Within a few years of hard work, life was giving back to her in some mighty big ways. But her courage would be tested yet again. Just before her marriage, she would be diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Just like Allison is with any challenge, she would not let this get the best of her, even though she has a particularly aggressive form. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;">Jennifer said, “I support my mom by being thankful she's who she is. I wouldn't be afraid to tell anyone and everyone about my moms sexuality. She’s an amazing woman and anyone who knows her knows that. My mom was diagnosed with MS over a year ago. Getting this news was REALLY hard for our family. But for me individually, my mom is my world and knowing she's in pain and I can't do anything to help is hard. I couldn't live without my mom, Or moms. My mom is currently in Chicago fighting for the cure for MS. Autologous Hematopoietic Stem Cell Treatment (HSCT) at North Western University Hospital. She's fighting for her life and it is so scary but this is her chance. We need all the support we can get . Every cent counts. Anyone can follow the journey on the website: <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/helpalikickms" target="_blank"><span class="s2">http://www.gofundme.com/helpalikickms</span> </a>" <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jennifer and her mom</td></tr>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;">The link also shows more about Allison's journey and her beautiful family. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;">So that’s it. If you imagine life’s challenges as a punch card, only so many per life, then Allison’s card should be used up by now. She is a beautiful, generous soul who I also love. I’m grateful that Allison opened my world and gave me a chance to see life through her perspective. To see that Love really is what matters. </span></div>
C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-12140139894250514352014-12-21T15:15:00.000-08:002015-04-25T15:15:03.113-07:00Yes, I Have A Gay Son! by Lori Christensen<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I Have a Gay Son<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-size: large;">Note from blogger Carole Warburton: I feel truly blessed to have become friends with Lori and others like her. Some of these wonderful women's stories I've shared on this blog, and I still have more to go. My world is a better place because of these valiant mothers. I know Lori's son <a href="https://devindevere.wordpress.com/2014/10/18/opinion-an-open-letter-to-utah/" target="_blank">Devin</a> is lucky to have her for a mother. Please take the time to read this inspiring story. </span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Have you ever wondered if you will
have a gay child?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">It never crossed my mind when my husband and I were married
37 years ago. Baby boy one and baby boy two came 18 months apart, followed
three years later by an adorable baby girl. We finished our perfect little
family 4 years later with another boy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">The babies are first handed to you wrapped in their little
flannel blankets, struggling to open their eyes. You raise your finger to their
tiny hand and they clutch your finger. The bond is made. My baby forever!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5xt3uuUqo0I/VJdRofazIgI/AAAAAAAAC3I/PJycO4mLZPE/s1600/unnamed-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5xt3uuUqo0I/VJdRofazIgI/AAAAAAAAC3I/PJycO4mLZPE/s1600/unnamed-1.jpg" height="192" width="320" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MGvaMANg9LE/VJdRqjXfLBI/AAAAAAAAC3Q/vQe4M61vkV0/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MGvaMANg9LE/VJdRqjXfLBI/AAAAAAAAC3Q/vQe4M61vkV0/s1600/unnamed.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Did you ever wonder if you would
have a perfect child?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Neither did I, but this last boy was over-zealously
obedient, eager to please, kind hearted, good-natured and very
intelligent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t remember ever
having to discipline him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was always
home on time, chose great friends, had high standards, very goal-oriented.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He graduated from high school as
Valedictorian with a four-year scholarship. He was a four-year seminary
graduate. He received his eagle scout at age 16.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He served a two-year Spanish- speaking
mission for our church. After returning he graduated Magna Cum Laude from our
local university and landed a job almost immediately.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Meantime our other 3 children married and we were blessed
with 8 grandchildren.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">About 2 ½ years ago as my son, my husband and I were driving
, out of the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>blue our son exclaimed that
he was gay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things went silent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In an instant it was as though the last 25
years flashed in front of my eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my
heart of hearts, I had known all along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I didn’t cry- no fit of rage- no feelings of bitterness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Those three words didn’t change my bond at all. He was
placing his heart in our hands. He was the same person he was 2 minutes before
he uttered those words. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">My son had spent 25 years searching the very depths of his
soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each thought and feeling had to be
guarded so that his secret would not be revealed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He knew he was different from age 10. My
question; Can a child really choose something they don’t even understand? This
was his identity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is how he came…
And God loves all of his children alike, much more than any of us can ever
comprehend. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">If the LDS church’s main focus is on family, why and how can
these three words cause a loving LDS family to shun or reject, or give up one
of the Lords children?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God. Wasn’t it
Christ who left the ninety and nine and searched for the missing one?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Sure the dynamics of our family has changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are friends who don’t associate with us
anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those who can’t understand our
reaction to “choose love” (Actually it wasn’t a choice, it came
naturally”.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is family who will
not allow their children around my son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There are those praying for us to repent of something, those underlining
and drafting scriptures to read to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There are those <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>who “un-friend”
me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Now was my turn to soul search.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What would God have me learn? I thought I
already knew about homosexuality. I was basically wrong on every point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was forced to seek answers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How often has the
Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past
the massive iron gate of what we though we already knew?”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 7;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-tab-count: 6;"> </span>Uchtdorf<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I cannot imagine struggling 25 years to be someone he could
never be and working toward a future he knew he could never have in our
church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it felt like a lose-lose
situation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I can’t marry in the temple!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I can’t have my OWN family!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">How do I get to the celestial kingdom?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">To deny an LDS saint this goal is to strip them of their
very reason for being.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Being a Latter Day Saint is our family’s heritage, our
culture, our soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is how my son
was raised. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Do I feel guilt that I took my son to church for 25 years to
hear that he was an abomination, that he was broken, but would be fixed in the
next life, that unless he changed to a more worthy state he could never have
the one thing Mormons value most in life, FAMILY?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I do feel guilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The church teaches wonderful things, but had
I known that my son was struggling with this at such an early age I would have
tried to protect him from the hurtful statements made.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Our belief is based on hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>LGBT children and adults are stripped of this!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I would lie to say my faith has not been shaken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are still here.( In the church) My son is
not!! Statistically many family members leave the church also.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">People are so ignorant of this issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had someone tell me I saw everything now
through my gay glasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I figure that is
better than living in blindness to the fact that statistically speaking there are
dozens of youth and adults in every stake in the church, not including those
who are still living in fear of coming out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Most are inactive, afraid of ridicule, ostracism, shunning or judgment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">There are over 400 LGBT youth (many from Mormon families) who
are homeless and wandering the streets and living in the canyons of the Wasatch
front because their parents ( who profess to be Christ’s disciples) kick them
out. What about those who decide to end their life because they conclude it is
the only release from the pain and conflict. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">When denied <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“HOPE” of
a meaningful relationship, one is left with deep emotional wounds, depression,
illness, and thoughts of suicide.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Am I angry with church leaders
because they can’t promise a change of Doctrine?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">NO.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I have great faith in my Heavenly Father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would not create a child with such a
strong and courageous soul and not have a place in his plan for him. We simply
don’t know all things- we can’t see everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What may seem contradictory now may be perfectly understandable as we
search for truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: red;">What do I want from society, my
church, my friends and family</span>?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Please open your hearts, try on my gay glasses and see the
human family comes in every shade of difference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The greatest and smallest of us possess as
many unique talents as we do weaknesses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But we tend to miss the common ground we all walk on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We as a society tends
to separate ourselves according to our differences rather than rejoicing in the
diversity and richness those differences provide.”<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 7;"> </span>Gordon
B. Hinckley<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">My sexuality is only ONE part of who I am and not the part I
care to have others focusing their judgment on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wish the same for my son.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I don’t have an agenda----- Neither does my son<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">We would like respect, our dignity, the right to the common
need of companionship and intimacy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">We both have hopes, fears, and aspirations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">My “ Heterosexual Lifestyle” pretty much equals my sons “
Homosexual Lifestyle”!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-size: large;">What are my hopes for my son?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I pray everyday for God to protect him from the ignorance,
hatred, violence and bigotry the world throws. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I want him to be happy, enjoy life, laugh and dream, to feel
and forgive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pray he will love God
and humanity!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Will I try to change my son?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">No. Never<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">This is how God sent him. This is who he is .<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">My love is open- hearted and unapologetic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love him because he is sweet, caring,
smart, original, and especially because he is mine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">That baby boy who trustingly clutched my finger with his
tiny hand 27 years ago created a love and a bond that will never be broken.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">Yes, I have a Gay son!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-69888542954884780682014-12-07T08:29:00.000-08:002014-12-07T08:29:48.447-08:00Open Letter to Utah from Devin<div class="hfeed site" id="page" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 30px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
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<article class="post-14 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-lgbt category-opinion tag-compassion tag-lgbt tag-lgbtq tag-love tag-marriage-equality tag-same-love tag-same-rights tag-same-gender-attraction tag-understanding" id="post-14" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 30px; position: relative; z-index: 1;"><header class="entry-header" style="box-sizing: border-box;"><h1 class="entry-title" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; clear: both; font-family: inherit; font-size: 2.61111em; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: 1.26383em; margin: 30px 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center; vertical-align: baseline;">
OPINION: An Open Letter to Utah</h1>
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First, let me put a disclaimer here; this post is strictly opinion. It is intended to seek understanding, empathy, compassion and love. Second, it is directed to Utah, but I hope that it will be applicable to anyone, anywhere in the world. Okay, last thing before we get started; this post will have a slightly more serious tone than my previous ones. Oh, don’t worry there will probably be some sarcasm here and there. Because, let’s be honest, I just can’t write without a little well-intended sarcasm.</div>
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With the recent Supreme Court ruling (or more accurately, the lack thereof) there have been some major changes to the marriage laws in several states, including Utah. A lot has been said, from all sides and various opinions. Much of it has been constructive, but much of it… well not so much. Before you close this post as just another marriage equality opinion piece please consider one thing. People are dying and your ignorance is strongly contributing to it. Do I have you attention now?</div>
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It’s true, Utah has one of the highest LGBTQ teen suicide rates of anywhere. First, for those of you not familiar with the acronym it stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trangendered and questioning individuals. It’s not the most eloquent acronym out there, but it attempts to be inclusive of a broad range people. So why might this suicide rate be so high? Let’s get some context first. Utah you are a conservative state. You are conservative politically, socially and religiously. It is known worldwide as the headquarters of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS). Most people know them by the name of Mormons. A large part of the population are LDS church members. They dominate the culture and tone of the state. So much so that it appears to be a monoculture (we won’t discuss it here, but there are many fascinating layers to Utah culture). Why is this important? Current Church doctrine strongly states that marriage is between a man and a woman. Period.</div>
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Let’s go with an analogy. Yes, another analogy. Can I write a post without at least one? Nope. Okay, so let’s pretend that your eye color is purple. This is simply an outward sign that the only vegetables you really want to eat are beets. This desire for beets will never go away… ever! But, here is the caveat. Eating beets is a sin. Yes, if you actually eat it you can’t receive all your religious blessings in this life or after this life. Remember, this desire for beets will never go away… ever! You can eat as many carrots, green beans, and peas as you want, but you will still want beets. Your religion gives you two choices. You can try ignore this desire for beets your entire life and never eat any, ever. Or, you can put on colored contacts that change your eyes to blue or brown and pretend you really want carrots. From your outward appearance you will conform to your social and religious standards, but inward you will have a constant and permanent struggle. This is a very poor analogy for LDS Church doctrine and same-gender attraction. The Church has publicly admitted, in writing, that people attracted to the same gender will always be attracted to the same gender (at least in this life, after this life the Church has stated it does not know what will happen to these feelings). It cannot be changed. This stance is also supported by almost every major study worldwide. Your gender attraction is something you carry with you throughout the scope of your life. If you don’t believe that then I encourage you to do your own personal research. Look at recent talks, posts and discourses by Church leaders. Then look at scientific studies from around the world. They all support this. Okay, so moving on. So now we know that same-gender attraction won’t change in an individual; what options does the LDS church give it’s members with same-gender attraction? Well, to maintain good standing in the Church you really only have two options:</div>
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Option 1: The Celibate Life. You can remain celibate and never act on those attractions. In this option you will never enjoy a romantic, or deeply emotional partnership like that of a marriage. And in the Church that is truly the ultimate blessing enjoyed in this life. In fact, an LDS temple marriage is believed to be eternal. You get to carry that amazing relationship into the next life! Some of you non-LDS married folk are thinking that doesn’t sound so great. Until death do we part and then good riddance! In the LDS Church this is not the case. The ultimate goal is for an “eternal family”. So, if you are attracted to the same gender and choose this option you don’t get any chance of a romantic relationship in this life and no promises in the next. You will also be constantly asked why you aren’t dating, married or starting a family. You will constantly be taught about how family and relationships are the best blessings available in this life. You will be sold on goals and dreams you will never be able to achieve. Essentially, you will be teased and taunted with the way things could have been were you not born the way you were.</div>
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Option 2: The Mixed-Orientation Marriage. Your other option is to marry someone of the opposite gender even though you aren’t fully attracted to them. This is called a mixed-orientation marriage. Yes, there is a term for this. Basically, in this relationship one member is fully attracted to the other, and the other… isn’t. Honestly, I find this type of marriage kind of sad. I can’t see how it can have the same depth, emotionally and physically, as a marriage where both parties are attracted to each other. I’m not saying that it can’t work for some people. Attraction is not black and white. We can all recognize attractiveness in both genders. Research shows that attraction is a scale instead of one side or the other. That being said, I don’t consider recognizing attractiveness and true attraction to be the same thing. I would also like to mention that attraction holds much more value in a relationship than just physical desire. It plays a huge role in emotional connection and the overall depth a partnership. Statistics show that mixed-orientation marriages largely do not work. A large majority of them end poorly, cause huge amounts of emotional damage, and often implicate children. This is so evident that the LDS Church no longer recommends them for members with same-gender attractions. Seriously, go look it up. This is the “official” stance of the Church.</div>
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So there you have it, those are your two options to keep good standing in the Church. That’s it. There are no other options. Utah, I tell you this to seek understanding for why the vast majority of LGBTQ individuals ultimately leave the LDS Church. They are not leaving the Church because they’ve been tempted or led astray. Many are faithful tithe payers, scripture readers, and weekly church goers right up to the day leave. Many leave the Church reluctantly. Many would like to stay but don’t feel they have the options within the Church for growth and progress in this life. They lack central support, education and understanding from the Church leadership. They suffer in Utah’s culture that is reluctant to accept, love or welcome anything outside of the norm.</div>
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Lots of members think that those two options are more than adequate. They liken them to a drug addict (drugs and alcohol are also off limits to retain good standing in the LDS Church). They say that a former drug addict will always have that addiction, that desire for the drugs. This is not at all a fair comparison. This former addict can enjoy all the blessings and good standing in the Church by simply not acting on those desires. They can have a happy temple marriage, a family, hold church positions, and participate in all church activities. A Church member with same-gender attraction that chooses Option 1 gets no romantic relationship and no family other than a “church family”, parents, siblings, and extended family. Yes, they can hold church positions and participate in church functions. But, the Church HIGHLY encourages, practically requires, all high ranking positions go to married members. Just look at the church leadership at almost any level and you’ll see what I mean. Marriage is all but essential for most callings. Members with same-gender attraction that choose Option 2 will never experience the same level of depth in their marriage and run the HUGE risk of the marriage failing at some point. So no, I don’t consider the former drug addict (or alcoholic) to be a fair comparison at all.</div>
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Why did I go into so much detail on this? Imagine now that you are a member of the LDS Church with same-gender attraction. You see these two options and both look daunting, inadequate and unfulfilling. But every week at church you are taught that acting on this attraction is wrong. Your parents, friends and family members talk bad about the “gay lifestyle”. You might even participate in the conversation. Inside you are feeling something you cannot change, but outside you are trying to express the opposite. You are surrounded by a culture that doesn’t talk about sex, not even “healthy” sex in the confines of marriage. Sex and talk of sex is so “hush, hush” that you don’t feel comfortable going to your parents, your church leaders, or even your friends. You can’t talk to anyone! You don’t see a good solution in your religion, but the stereotypical “gay lifestyle” that is talked about so negatively around you goes against everything you’ve grown up with. Either you choose an unfulfilling life in your church or you choose a lifestyle that goes against everything you’ve been taught. I know some of you are having difficulty following these thoughts. You can’t connect with them. I BEG you to please keep reading. There are hundreds of your friends, neighbors or even family members that are suffering from this battle as you read this. Many in the past have turned to drugs, unprotected sex, internet porn addiction and/or eventual suicide attempts. They felt they had nowhere else to turn. Something has to change and soon! Please keep reading!</div>
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How can we change this trend? I think the first step is learning. By reading this far I hope you’ve learned a little already. Maybe I’ve piqued your interest and you’ll research a little more. I encourage that. Maybe you think I’m wrong, spreading lies, and encouraging bad ideas. Cool, as I stated before, this is my opinion. Do your own research. Go out and read what the LDS Church has said recently. Also, go seek learning from the scientific community. See what research has shown thus far. Even go see what some of the research from the LDS Church’s official university, Brigham Young University, has shown. I bet you’ll be surprised! Don’t take my word for anything. Get out and learn more. Ignorance isn’t intentionally malicious, but it can cause major misunderstanding, poor actions and harmful rhetoric. Also, please keep reading this very long post!</div>
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Another major step to making the culture more approachable to those with same-gender attraction is to debunk the idea of a “gay lifestyle”. I truly hate this term. It is used way too often. It encourages a stereotype that has been mostly harmful to LGBTQ individuals. But it is so prevalent that we can all picture what it refers to. It gives the impression that all gay men are flamboyant, sexually-promiscuous individuals that want nothing more than to party and sleep with as many men as possible. Do these individuals exist. Absolutely! Are all gay men like this? Do I really have to answer that? I hope not, but I will. There is no one “gay lifestyle”. Just like there is no single straight lifestyle. There are thousands of same-sex relationships built on fidelity, trust, and family values. In straight relationships, just like in same-sex relationships there is infidelity, partying, promiscuity, etc. There are a broad range of lifestyles. To lump LGBTQ individuals, or straight individuals for that matter, into one category is hugely unfair. LGBTQ individuals are your neighbors, your coworkers, your doctors, your nurses. One may have even designed your home, engineered the utilities or services in your community, or constructed the building where you work. They are all around you. They participate in bringing happiness, beauty and health to the culture. Not all gay men are effeminate and not all lesbian women are masculine. LGBTQ individuals won’t fit any stereotypical mold. Statistically speaking you probably have one, or more, in your family. They may be too afraid to tell you or anyone else. Have you created a warm and loving environment for them? Are you approachable and loving of all people? These family members want… no NEED to talk. Somehow the culture has to be changed. They can’t feel like suicide is the best course of action, but many still do. How sad…</div>
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The battle for marriage equality has been, and continues to be a very heated one. A lot of this is due to ignorance and misunderstanding on both sides. I will only attempt to cover one side here today. Those in favor of marriage equality have sought this basic understanding, “Our relationship is not that different from yours”. Please try to think outside the religious context you may be in. This is hard, but helpful for understanding. I am not asking you to think against or put to the side your beliefs, just to think culturally and legally. True, same-sex couples cannot biologically produce children. But this is not the only purpose for marriage. If it was, marriages for infertile couples and couples where the woman is too old to bear children should be dissolved. We all know that this is not the case. They continue on. Marriage means more than just procreation. If marriage and family was so closely tied to blood and relation then adoption wouldn’t be allowed and adoptees would never be considered family. Step-parents or step-siblings would never be considered family either. Yet all around us we consider them family. Heck, at times we even accept friends or others as family and “adopt” them. Most of you are thinking “this is very different from a same-sex couple”. I would disagree. Research shows the romantic feelings, and their physiological and relational effects in a same-sex couple are NO DIFFERENT, than in a straight couple. That’s right. Physically, emotionally and relationally there is no difference, no matter if the couple is of the same gender or opposite genders. There is even BYU research that supports this. Also, the other purpose of marriage is legal, social and cultural protections. Imagine you couldn’t visit your dying spouse, or make their important medical decisions when they are incapacitated. You are literally shut out because you are not “family”. This happens all the time with same-sex couples. No matter how long you’ve been together or how faithful and loving the relationship is. Or this very sad example; Imagine your spouse dies and now you have zero legal right to your very own children. You could have raised them for years, changed countless dirty diapers, laughed and cried through their growth and now you can’t do a single thing because they aren’t “yours”. You weren’t legally able to adopted them because you weren’t legally able to marry your spouse. Children are essentially being orphaned. These aren’t the only the legal ramifications, there are many more. This doesn’t take into account the social, emotional and cultural effects of the idea of marriage has on a couple.</div>
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Some research shows that committed same-sex couples are HAPPIER, on average, than straight couples. Research also shows that children raised by committed same-sex parents are happier and more successful, on average than children from many straight couples. There is research that supports both sides, so I’m not trying to be one sided. I just want you to consider that committed gay relationships can be very positive for the couple and for children. Not always, but often. The fact is that many gay relationships probably look a lot like the happy straight marriages you know and see all around you.</div>
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By now you have probably gathered a little about me. I lived 23 years of my early life in Utah. I am Mormon and grew up in the LDS Church. I even served a faithful LDS mission to Arizona and Texas. It was two of my favorite years of my life. I am gay and have always known I was gay. I tried to “change” my attractions and struggled within myself for years. I tried to kill these feelings with righteousness. A couple years ago I went through a deeply personal process. I decided to come out to my family and friends and then publicly. I remained faithful to the LDS Church throughout the whole process. I ask that you don’t perpetuate the inaccurate idea that members that leave the Church were unfaithful in some way. I was never abused, physically, sexually, or emotionally. I never had a bad example of a relationship. I grew up with happily married parents in a loving family. I was not exposed to gay porn a young age or anything like that. I remained faithful, read scriptures, paid tithing throughout my entire process. I no longer attend church. It was a difficult, emotional and deeply spiritual decision for me. I will not post my experiences here as I don’t feel they would be understood by the majority of my readers. If you would like to hear it please feel free to contact me directly. I am now very happy. I am engaged to someone I love very deeply. I have a relationship I never thought I would have. We connect on such a deep level. We are very similar, yet very different. I now understand the term “fall” in love. I never understood it before, but it is truly an involuntary act, out of your control. It is wonderful. I’m now part of community that seeks understanding. Do some research Utah. Learn what your dominant religion truly thinks. I will post an official LDS Church website at the end of this post. Please read it thoroughly. Watch the videos. We don’t necessarily seek a change in doctrine. We seek compassion, love and understanding. Most of us do end up leaving the church. Don’t make assumptions why. There are many reasons. I hope you better understand some of them from reading here. The law is now on our side, in Utah and in most states across the country. The culture and society has a long way to go though. Hate crimes, hurtful rhetoric and misunderstanding abound. We are not people to fear.<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Get to know us. You’ll be pleasantly surprised. I promise! We aren’t really any different from you.</div>
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Holy Crap! You’re still reading. Way to go! You deserve a pat on the back. Any of you seeking understanding or having input, please contact me. If any of you have same-gender attractions and need someone to talk to please reach out to me. I’ve been told I’m a good listener, haha. For the rest of you here is the official LDS Church website on the topics discussed here today:</div>
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<a href="http://www.mormonsandgays.org/" rel="nofollow" sl-processed="1" style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; font-family: inherit; font-size: 18px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">http://www.mormonsandgays.org</a></div>
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I will NOT post links to any of my other research. I do not want to slant your opinions in any way. Do your own research. There are many groups, in and out of Utah, that have links to these topics, and others. Google is an amazing tool. We truly live in the information age and nobody has to live in ignorance.</div>
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If you would like to speak to me privately, for any reason, simply leave a comment below with some contact info and I’d be happy to reach out to you.</div>
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<img alt="" id="wpstats" src="http://pixel.wp.com/g.gif?host=devindevere.wordpress.com&rand=0.6413878290913999&blog=73377318&v=wpcom&tz=0&user_id=0&post=14&subd=devindevere&ref=" style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444; display: block; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; height: auto; line-height: 30px; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 100%;" />C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-18914281456294253402014-11-23T16:59:00.002-08:002015-04-25T15:15:47.416-07:00"Speak Your Mind Even if Your Voice Shakes"<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; word-wrap: break-word;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">This tribute to her activist mother<b> Millie Watts</b> <b> Wendy Reynolds</b>: On Halloween of my senior year of high school, I turned 18. About a week later, my mom took me to vote in my first election. As we approached the school entrance, she whispered to me, "just punch the hole at the top that says straight Republican then you don't have to fill out the whole ballot."</span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pO8aEVylBtc/VHKFpFBoEhI/AAAAAAAAC0w/gb0yS0sXo3Y/s1600/10306560_10204139601069259_6490450961107237619_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pO8aEVylBtc/VHKFpFBoEhI/AAAAAAAAC0w/gb0yS0sXo3Y/s1600/10306560_10204139601069259_6490450961107237619_n.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">was written by her daughter</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A couple of years later, I was sitting at our kitchen table when my older brother said he had something to tell me. He told me he was gay. I had been taught my entire life that being gay was a choice and a sin equal to murder and adultery and that gay people would basically burn in hell. Knowing my brother, I knew immediately that what I had been taught was wrong. When you learn that something you have been taught is so wrong and so off-base you start to question everything else. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">If you know how much my dad hates bumper stickers, you could understand my surprise when shortly after my brother's coming out, my mom slapped a bumper sticker on her car that said "Speak your mind. Even if your voice shakes--Maggie Kuhn" This became my mom's mantra. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Speaking your mind about homosexuality in one of the conservative states in the country is not an easy thing to do. But in her very shaky and tear filled voice, speak her mind she did. And contrary to popular belief, we soon found out that my brother was not the only gay person in Utah. He wasn't even the only gay person on our block. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">As mom found her voice, she opened our home to others that needed their voice heard in a safe environment. They would gather at our home, but soon, as word spread, our home was no longer big enough. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Mom became an accidental activist and a voice, albeit shaky, for those that did not have one. She has encouraged many to find their voice. She has opened hearts and minds and made the world a much better and safer place. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's been more than 20 years. She still speaks her mind. And yes, her voice still shakes. And she was just named the Democratic Woman of the Year in Utah County. </span></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk53LqKm7O0&amp;feature=youtu.be" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?<wbr></wbr>v=Zk53LqKm7O0&amp;feature=<wbr></wbr>youtu.be</span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: large;">-- </span><br />
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-77761626880860835982014-07-29T22:25:00.000-07:002015-04-25T15:16:17.578-07:00Adults Bullying Adults <span style="font-size: large;">Because I'm involved with a few different LGBT ally groups, I've heard lots of heartbreaking stories in the last year. Here's a list of just some of insensitive remarks adults have said to other adults. In some cases I've changed the scene somewhat to protect the identity, but I've matched the intent.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Said to a mother of a gay son by one of her friends. "How does it feel to lose your child to sin?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Said to a gay man at a store by a three adult LDS men. "Ew, don't get too close you might get HIV."</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">As a married gay couple ate at a fast food restaurant, the family next to them mocked, discussed, and made fun of them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">A server at a restaurant in Utah refused to wait on a gay couple.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">A mother was told by a relative that she shouldn't allow her Lesbian daughter to be on the temple grounds to greet the bride, who was her sister, when she emerged from the temple.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Another faithful LDS mother was criticized by a sister she served with in a primary presidency for supporting her gay son's engagement party.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">A fully active woman was released from her church calling for posting positive things about the LGBT community on facebook.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Another mother of a gay child overheard sisters in her ward talking about her in unkind ways because of her support of her child.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Bullying isn't just a kids problem. Bullies can be the co-worker at the office, the stranger on a bus, the church leader, the sister in the gospel, the neighbor, or even the couple with young children in the booth next to you. Sometimes bullying isn't as overt as the above scenes. Sometimes it comes in the form of well-meaning but ignorant remarks. It might be from a leader who calls the young person into his church office because he loves him only to scold him for not getting his mission papers in. Maybe its the parent who tells another parent that they are praying for their "lost child." Maybe it's someone encouraging another to "avoid their sinful lifestyle," without realizing the irony of judging another's path. I can't imagine what it would be like if people thought they had the right to discuss the morality of my marriage to my husband. I take it for granted when I walk into a public place with my husband that no one will tell me we don't have the right to love each other. I'm amazed at the strength of the gay couples I know. I'm inspired by mothers of gay kids who don't lose hope, who remain faithful to their convictions with never-ending and unconditional support to their children. It is my privilege to share in a small way the journey of some of the best people I know.</span>C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-26916192361401425602014-06-23T20:15:00.002-07:002014-06-23T20:15:38.477-07:00"I've Lost Track How Many Times My Son Has Attempted Suicide"Update: Since this post was published in Dec. 2013, Mikey has passed away. I don't know the details of his tragic death, but in his honor, I'm reposting this piece.<br />
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I'm Carole T. Warburton. I'm the author of this blog. I am not gay, nor do I have any close family members who are, but I'm very interested in creating a dialogue to increase understanding. I'm so grateful to the people who have opened their hearts to share personal stories with the desire to increase understanding about our LGBT children, brothers, sisters, and friends. This week I talked with a friend, Shelly, about her wonderful son, Mikey. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The following is written by Shelley, as told to Carole. </div>
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Our son, Mikey, said he knew he was gay when he was ten. When he was 18, he left a voice message before leaving home. That's how we found out. He’s now 25, and I’ve lost track of how many times he’s attempted suicide. If he really wanted to be dead, he’d be dead. But three or four years ago we almost lost him. Someone dropped him to Logan Regional Hospital after he'd been drinking or doing drugs. They’d admitted him and he aspirated during the night. So the hospital called me around six in the morning and said, you need to get up here. And I didn’t even know he was in the hospital. When I got there his body had shut down, and then he went into cardiac arrest. He didn’t have a heart beat for seven minutes. It was in January and life flight couldn’t land because of the weather. So they brought a team up from Salt Lake. Even though the roads were really bad they took him to Salt Lake where he was on a respirator for probably five days. He spent a week in the Intensive Care Unit. He recovered but still has lung damage from it. He gets sick really easy. And he’s gone into septic shock a couple of times.</div>
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We’ve had a hundred prayers answered. His life has always been up, down, up down. Maybe if he’d been able to accept who he was, he might not have gone down that self-destructive road. He was always fighting with himself and was a defiant, angry and unhappy child. Now I know why, but we didn’t know. I wish we'd known. Even though, he was teased in school, he didn’t tell me. I was supposed to be his protector and he protected me. We had him in therapy as a young teenager. But because of the confidentiality, the therapist couldn’t tell us very much. It’s taken a long time, but for the most part now he’s stable and happy. It’s on a daily basis though, and can be rocked anytime. He’s had a partner for about three years now. They have their ups and downs, just like any other couple, but we just want them to be happy. Mikey has a heart of gold. He’s very caring and compassionate. He has a tender spot for the elderly and loves to do random acts of kindness. He never hangs the phone up with me without saying he loves me. He is a very good cook and loves to try new things. All the cousins just love him and want Mikey to come play and come to all the family parties. My family has been a great support too. <o:p></o:p></div>
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When I first found out though, I was just devastated. I had been taught that being gay was wrong and that it was a choice. But Mikey said to me, “Mom, do you think I would choose this? Do you think it’s been an easy go? Do you think it was fun in school?” It took me a couple of years to come to terms with it. Now I just hope others would educate themselves. The good ol’ Mormon families that sit in church every week can be the cruelest. I have a lot of resentment about that. People can be mean. People have been mean, not just to Mikey, but to our other two children. Sometime, I want to teach a Sunday school class and just lay it all out. Teach people. We don’t really know for sure what God’s plan is. And sometime science will prove this world wrong, and they already have. It’s not a choice. Sometimes you hear stuff in church that hurts. Sometimes people claim they don’t judge, but then they stab you in the back the first chance they get. I’ve become very protective of myself and my family. I keep to myself a lot. I don’t want to put a lot out there just for people to judge and make fun of. I wish church members would be more Christ-like and not judge. I guarantee you there’s not a person in this world who thought they would have a gay son or daughter. But I also think education starts in the home. Parents need to teach their kids.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Some church members and leaders have been helpful. I visited with our stake president (when she found out) I was so distraught. I couldn’t deal with anything. I didn’t know where to turn, so I went to talk to him. He just looked at me and he said. <i>You’re not alone.</i> And he said, <i>All you do is love, love, love, love</i>. He said, <i>You’d be surprised, there isn’t one person in your ward, or any ward that is not affected by a gay relative. Don’t let people tell you different. I guarantee there is someone in every family who is gay.</i> That was very positive for me. He didn’t say, come in and let me meet with your son, I’ve got to talk to him. He just told me love, love, love. And I was just like OK, that’s all I need to do. Another woman said to me. <i>Your wants and dreams are not his wants and dreams.</i> I wanted him to have a wife and kids. I was devastated that he wasn’t going to give me any grandkids. I think for a person just finding out that their child is gay, you have to give it time. It’s sad to say, but it’s almost like mourning a person’s death. You have to grieve all those emotions in order to move on and work through it. Eventually it’s going to be ok. And knowing that in the end you still have your son (or daughter) that you can hug at the end of the day—that’s important. Because we almost lost our son. But when you stop and look back at the picture. Ok, these were my dreams and my wishes. Now turn it around and make your dreams and wishes ones are possible for them. Dream that they find a good partner. Wish them happiness.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Our bishop now is a wonderful guy. He’s always very concerned and asks how Mikey is doing. We appreciate that. Last Mother’s Day, we went to church and took Mikey and his partner. His partner has a niece and a nephew that I just love. I treat them like my grandkids. So we sat in church with these two little kids and our whole family. The bishop came up and talked to them. Mikey and his partner met the bishop. He greeted them. I couldn’t believe we did it, but afterward, I was so proud of myself. I deserve to sit in church on Mother’s Day, or any other day with my family, just like anyone else. I wasn’t even uncomfortable. But I could tell people were staring. I said, well I just wanted to make sure everyone had something to talk about come Monday morning on the Paradise hotline.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Even though there is a lot of judgment and misunderstanding, especially in such a small town, there are also some good families who have been kind and invited us all over for dinner. But some leaders haven’t been as wonderful as our current bishop. One bishop kept coming overm sure he could change Mikey. I didn’t understand that. And then recently Mikey called really upset and said his bishop in Logan sent the missionaries over to their house and one asked, “Do you have a problem with same-sex attraction?” The first thing Mikey wanted to do was have his name removed from the church. But I asked him to let it go. The missionaries were just doing what they were told. But why would he do that? I get really frustrated with that. I think there should be a place in the church for the gays, and for my son.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My faith has changed. It’s hard for me to have faith in the church. I pray a lot. I have a relationship with God. I know he answers prayers. I don’t know why my son is gay, but I know he created him to be who his is, just like he created me. In a lot of ways, I am a better person now. God creates a lot of different people. I think we should be more loving, caring, and be more accepting. It’s just like our former stake president said, love, love love. I can do that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-66724748799632794352014-06-15T21:27:00.002-07:002014-06-15T21:35:29.828-07:00Faith, Love, and PRIDE 2014I asked several of my new friends and my cousin in California to share their responses after participating in PRIDE last Sunday. If you didn't get to go, their responses will give you a glimpse into what we experienced. I hope you will take the time to read these. It brought me to tears cutting and pasting their experiences. I don't need to add anything, but too was overwhelmed with the love of complete strangers, not just in the Mormon groups, but more especially from those cheering for us. As one marcher said, "It's embarrassing, when all we are doing is walking to receive so much love..."<br />
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<b>Cindy shared this:</b> <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px;">Last year I told my son I was coming to the Pride parade. He seemed surprised and a bit nervous and felt it necessary to warn me it wouldn't be like the small town parades I was accustomed to....I wasn't too worried. Our whole family, grandkids and all went and loved being there to support our son and his friends as well as the entire LGBT community. Mid parade the buzz of clapping hands and cheering voices escalated and I was surprised and humbled to see the Mormons Building Bridges group confidently striding up the road. It immediately brought tears to my eyes and I knew I wanted to join in the 2014 Pride parade marching alongside the members of this group. My daughter-in-law and her kids joined me for this incredible experience and we all loved it! Our purpose in marching was to show our love and support, but in the end we became the recipients of the exact gift we sought to deliver. High fives, hugs and thank you's were abundant and sincere, but nothing could have been better than hugging my handsome, smiling son cheering from the road-side surrounded by his friends and other family members. My son has always known our love is unconditional. It's such an easy but powerful thing to do to show how much we wholeheartedly support him. This experience will never be forgotten and I hope to do it over and over again!!</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Carolyn Bently, Janet Roberts, Doree Burt, Pat Burt, Me (Carole Warburton), Brittney Yunker, and son<br />
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Carolyn sent me this absolutely beautiful and visual poem to express her feelings.
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Poem: <b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Pride Goeth Before the Parade <o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: xx-small;">by Carolyn Bentley</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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The other day, a pride of exuberant lions and lionesses,<o:p></o:p></div>
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Birds of many colorful feathers,<o:p></o:p></div>
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Male and female and transgender of the species<o:p></o:p></div>
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Walked freely, majestically, glitteringly, incandescently <o:p></o:p></div>
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Down the street in the center of Salt Lake City.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The moving menagerie was a Disney dream<o:p></o:p></div>
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Mixed in with a little Salvador Dali, but without the
melting clocks.<o:p></o:p></div>
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You would have liked it, I am almost sure.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A circus, you say? Yes, of certainty and symbiosis<o:p></o:p></div>
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And without a tent.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A carnival? Yes, of communion and common cause.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But this was not a freak show.<o:p></o:p></div>
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There are no freaks, no outsiders, no rejects, no misfits.<o:p></o:p></div>
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One big size of heart fits all here -<o:p></o:p></div>
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Even the regulation buttoned-down white- shirted, tie-decked
Elders<o:p></o:p></div>
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The modestly dressed, nylon-wearing, well-groomed,
conservative sisters<o:p></o:p></div>
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Who skipped out on the Sunday rituals at ward chapels, <o:p></o:p></div>
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And chose to run away with the circus for a day.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>Janet Roberts participated for the first time and shares this:</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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"This was my first Gay Pride Parade. I began the march to show my support to the GLBT community. I ended the march feeling overwhelming love and acceptance from them. Before the parade actually started, I saw many of my 'rock stars' -- people whose faces I have only seen images of on Facebook, and whose FB posts have positively impacted me-- wandering through the MBB crowd. It was surreal. I was not shy, however, in introducing myself to them. Each one graciously shook my hand and gave me a hug.</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; text-align: start;">
I met my sister's husband's brother there, who is gay. I had never met him before, but recognized him from his Facebook picture. He was so happy to know there's an ally in the family and expressed hope that someday his family would try to reach out to him.</div>
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Once the parade started, I was not prepared for the overwhelming humility that engulfed me as we were greeted by cheering, applause, and tears. I feel peace because of my participation"</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pRy8CTZ3460/U55qiYKxM5I/AAAAAAAACqE/A7YO0hIWnbc/s1600/10313152_10202955282257420_1136207323447070516_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pRy8CTZ3460/U55qiYKxM5I/AAAAAAAACqE/A7YO0hIWnbc/s1600/10313152_10202955282257420_1136207323447070516_n.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My cousin Linda Pulsipher with Affirmation in LA</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Linda shared this:</b><br />
Why I marched in the pride parade?<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not sure if words can adequately explain why I was
compelled to march this year in the pride parade. As a faithful LDS mother,
there are reasons why I haven’t marched up to this point. 1) It's on Sunday, I
typically spend the day with my family refraining from activities that could be
done on Saturday. 2) Let’s just say I have seen pictures of the parade and knew
I probably wouldn’t be comfortable taking my children to it, so why would I go?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That said, this year I was compelled to go, so much so, that
I had to convince my daughter that it would be good thing to break the Sabbath
and expose ourselves to sights that we weren't used to seeing for a few reasons
1) My wonderful gay son is graduating with a double masters this week. This kid
is AMAZING! I want to shout that to the world and celebrate with people that
get how wonderful these kids are. In the church, it doesn’t really seem to
matter how amazing these kids are, if they are gay, that is somehow bigger than
any other accomplishment or incredible divine gift they possess. 2) I want the
lgbt community to know that I see them and they are worthy of love, especially
God’s love. In the church, I sometimes feel like we are the Priests and Levites
that refuse to see the suffering that our doctrine causes in individuals trying
to navigate between what their heart is telling them and what their church is
telling them. We can do much better! 3) If my son can sit through four hours of
conference and choose not to be offended because he loves and respects his
Mormon family, I can attend a gay pride parade, because I love and respect my
son and want him to know it. 4) Affirmation is a wonderful group doing a great
service and I want to show my support for them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, how was my first experience at pride? We had a great
day! My daughter and son marched with me. It was wonderful to see how happy (and
surprised) my son was that we wanted to come and march with him. We met
wonderful people that are putting themselves out there to make a difference,
heal broken hearts and show love to all people. People cheered for us. There
was a wonderful overall feeling of love and inclusion. It was a great bonding
experience for our family (even the ones that weren’t there in person were
happy to see us all marching together). Our hearts grew a little bigger along
with our capacity to love a little more. Would I do it again? Of course, who
can argue with a desire and prompting to show love to ALL God’s children?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yjXGGZo1YlU/U55prFt7zPI/AAAAAAAACp0/c_W8vLc4um8/s1600/10461307_10203203070872007_307416266524499134_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yjXGGZo1YlU/U55prFt7zPI/AAAAAAAACp0/c_W8vLc4um8/s1600/10461307_10203203070872007_307416266524499134_n.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lisa Warburton Glad is the one with the THIS MORMON...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b>Lisa Glad shared this:</b><br />
<div>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">If you had told the “old” me
(the Mom who didn’t yet know she had two gay daughters) that I would not only
excitedly attend the Salt Lake Gay Pride Festival and walk in the parade, but
that it would be one of the most truly spiritual experiences of my life, I
would have thought you were completely NUTS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But that is exactly what happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And every time I think about it, I have to find a Kleenex.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First of all, before the parade started, our
Mormons Building Bridges group had a LONG wait and a friend and I were sitting
on the curb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had my poster (“This
Mormon Mom <3 L G B T Q I A”) and a young woman asked if she could take a
picture of me with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The gentleman who
shared our curb told her he’d take a picture of us and she sat between my
friend and I and we put our arms around her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She burst into tears and just sobbed, asking “Why can’t MY Mormon Mom
love me?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My heart broke for her and I
just wanted to take her home!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as we
walked in the parade, the cheers and the “THANK YOUs” and the tears and the
high-fives and the hugs filled my soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>As I looked into those beautiful faces of all varieties, I felt as if I
was being given a small taste of the pure love our Lord has for every one of
those souls there, and I felt the sorrow He feels for the pain and heartache
our LGBTQIA family members and friends have experienced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And my already full heart almost burst with
joy when my daughters emerged from the crowd to throw themselves into my arms,
then their friends joined us and my heart grew again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">My heart is forever changed; I
feel like I gained so much by being there, and if I was able to give even one
LGBTQIA person a bit of love and hope, it was truly worth every minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will not only be at every Pride that I can,
but I am doing my best to extend that feeling out to everyone I encounter,
especially gay young people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-83325435830522047852014-05-23T12:25:00.000-07:002014-05-23T12:25:28.723-07:00Consider Joining Us for LoveA good friend of mine Marion Jensen wrote about his experience in 2012 at the Pride parade in SLC. His blog motivated me to join him in 2013. I too shun crowds, the limelight, and usually avoid parades in general. Walking and feeling so much love expressed from the crowds toward us remains one of the most profound experiences of my life. For more information on the Mormons Building Bridges participation in this year's parade go to <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/mormonsbuildingbridges/">MBB facebook page</a>. <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y1K-snkkMBM/U3-b734ldSI/AAAAAAAACmw/OlffhyYAY2c/s1600/IMG_1333.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y1K-snkkMBM/U3-b734ldSI/AAAAAAAACmw/OlffhyYAY2c/s1600/IMG_1333.JPG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pride in SLC 2013<br /><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Please read this post from Marion. <h1 class="entry-title" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; clear: both; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, 'Nimbus Sans L', sans-serif; font-size: 21px; line-height: 1.3em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<a href="http://marionjensen.com/2012/06/sunday-morning.html">Sunday Morning</a></h1>
<div class="entry-meta" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #888888; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, 'Nimbus Sans L', sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span class="meta-prep meta-prep-author" style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Posted on</span> <a href="http://marionjensen.com/2012/06/sunday-morning.html" rel="bookmark" style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; color: #888888; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" title="1:37 pm"><span class="entry-date" style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">June 3, 2012</span></a> <span class="meta-sep" style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">by</span> <span class="author vcard" style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a class="url fn n" href="http://marionjensen.com/author/marionjensen" style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; color: #888888; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" title="View all posts by Marion Jensen">Marion Jensen</a></span></div>
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This morning I marched in a parade. Yes, <em style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">that </em>parade.</div>
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I was seventeen the last time I was in a parade. I carried a tenor sax and became dehydrated because I was in full band uniform.</div>
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I got dehydrated this time around as well, because I was wearing a suit.</div>
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I don’t like parades. I don’t like going to them, let alone marching in them. The heat, the crowds, the . . . social interaction. Give me a dusty bike trail or a small boardgame night with friends and family any day of the week.</div>
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But today I stepped way out of my comfort zone, and marched in a pride parade. I marched with a group of Mormons who went to share a simple message, “We love you.”</div>
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Although I marched in a group I drove to the parade alone. This almost made me turn back about a dozen times. I knew no one. There I was, walking down the street in a suit and tie, asking a woman in a leotard if she knew which way to the pride parade. I’m sure she wondered if I suffered from heat stroke.</div>
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But I found my people. I didn’t count, but wouldn’t be surprised if there was over 400 of us. Brothers and sisters and children, decked out in their “Sunday best”, carrying rainbow flags and signs. I think my favorite sign quoted a primary song.</div>
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<em style="background-color: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">I’ll walk with you, I’ll talk with you, that’s how I’ll show my love for you.</em></div>
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We were right behind the grand marshall, so second in line. As we marched, the crowed cheered, clapped, and at times even roared. I can only hope the love we were trying so desperately to show matched the love they showed us. A few images I will never forget:</div>
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A middle-aged woman in a tank top, stood on the sidelines, crying. She kept saying over and over, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” A woman marching next to me went over and embraced her.</div>
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A five-year-old girl, marched in front of me with a sign that said, “Free Hugs.” Many people took her up on the offer.</div>
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A man rode in a wheelchair with a walker on wheels attched to it. The walker was empty the entire time because the woman who supposedly needed it was bouncing back and forth to each side of the parade, waving and waving and waving.</div>
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I can’t explain why I felt compelled to go and march. I’m not gay. None of my immediate familiy members are gay, at least not that I know of. I’m told that the social, political, and religious issues surrounding homosexuality are complex. I won’t profess to be an expert on any of them. In fact, I’m pretty slow. I like things simple. One of my favorite parts of the bible is when Jesus boils everything down to two commandments. Only two.</div>
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Love God.</div>
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Love your neighbor.</div>
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On these two commandments hang all the laws and the prophets.</div>
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That I can understand.</div>
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With apologies to Thomas S. Monson: Miles were walked. Tears were shed. Bridges were built.</div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-9596213551580825862014-05-12T20:44:00.000-07:002014-05-12T20:44:06.916-07:00When we take the time to get to know someone and their “story”, it is impossible to not love them. Note from Carole, the blogger: <i>I'm excited to introduce to you my beautiful cousin Linda and her son Craig. I urge you to read this no matter where you are in your journey toward understanding LGBT issues. Linda is a very active LDS mother who was forced to learn more about faith and the atonement than she ever thought possible. She shares a profound experience she had in meeting members of the group Affirmation "...I was overwhelmed at how welcoming this group was to me. After all, I was an active member of the church that I knew they had all felt pain growing up in. I had to wonder if the roles had been reversed, if they would have felt such overwhelming love from their Relief Society or Elders Quorum brothers and sisters if they had arrived alone to the meeting, not knowing anyone. One by one they all shared their own heart breaking stories of coming to terms with their sexuality in the church. I will be forever grateful for these wonderful people sharing their very personal stories with me. When we take the time to get to know someone and their “story”, it is impossible to not love them. I also felt like they each had a longing for the church that was once such an important part of their lives, but it was impossible to live a gay life in the Mormon Church so they had to separate themselves. I would love for these wonderful men and woman to feel like they DO have a place in our church as disciples of Jesus Christ because they could offer us so much." Please take the take to read Linda's story. </i><br />
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<span class="s1">Written by Linda: When we first learned about our son having same-sex attraction, we were scared and confused. How did this happen? What would this mean for his life? What would it mean for our family? How would homosexuality fit into our LDS belief of eternal families? At that time, I had no idea how much I needed to learn about unconditional love, Jesus Christ and the atonement. Perhaps this is the experience I needed to help me learn things that I could not have learned any other way. Having a gay son has been a blessing in my life.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Craig was our second child and first son. He was always kind, loving and wanted to do the right thing. Craig was a very easy child to raise. School was important to him and he was placed in the GATE (Gifted and Talented) program in the third grade. He had many wonderful friends that also excelled. He advanced in the scouting program to achieve the rank of Eagle Scout and sitting through awards ceremonies for him became commonplace. Craig always loved his fellow classmates and family members and he got along well with everyone. When he came home from school, he was the only child that would ask me how my day was. He was truly kind and compassionate, to know him was to love him, everyone loves Craig. We never worried about this child. He was always where he should be, doing the right thing at the right time.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">One day when Craig was in high school, I was routinely checking the history on our family computer. To my shock, I found sexually graphic images of men. My heart sank. I couldn’t imagine it was Craig’s or my husbands. When I was able to pull myself together from the shock, I went to Craig’s room and confronted him. He didn’t even try to deny it and admitted that it was his. He curled up in a ball on his bed and started to cry. I think he was relieved that I had found it. A secret that he had been hiding was finally out in the open. I was scared and confused at what was happening, but I also had so much compassion for my son for what had been going on inside his head that I hadn’t known anything about. This was the beginning of our journey with homosexuality and our son.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>At that time, Craig was firm in his belief that he was not gay. I was naïve enough to believe him and started to do what any other good LDS mother would do – I started praying for the same-sex attractions to go away. He willingly started meeting with our bishop and an LDS counselor. We wanted him to have someone to talk to that he could be completely honest with. Craig continued to excel in school and church and be the all around great kid that he always had been. I was naïve to think that everything was under control. Over the following months, I began to see Craig slide between periods of excessive spirituality to emotional lows that would end with him curled up in a ball on our bed crying. During Craig’s first semester at BYU, we continued to see the highs and lows and decided to bring him home where we could be more of a support to him. We didn’t know if we should push the mission idea, but decided to leave it totally up to him. Craig decided that he did want to go on a mission. The call came – Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. What a joy, my son was going on a mission! Craig’s mission was a wonderful experience for him. He was on a spiritual high and had no problems during his mission whatsoever. He loved the people and his mission president. He loved serving the people and preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. He would often write his testimony of how important it was to live worthy of the spirit and what a blessing that was to him and the lives of the people he taught. We continued to pray that the same-sex attraction would go away, but this was not the case. Shortly after returning to BYU, the same-sex attraction returned.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>By this time my husband was serving as the Bishop of our ward. As the wife of a Bishop, I was able to see some of the struggles that other families were dealing with including drugs, health issues, adultery, and mental illness. I became painfully aware that all families have hardships that they must live with and learn to overcome. This is when I made my deal with the Lord. I just flat out told the Lord that if this challenge was going to be part of our life, I was going to need to feel more than I had ever felt before. Gratefully, that prayer has been answered many times. As I have poured my heart out to the Lord, he has wrapped His arms around me many times and enveloped with the most overwhelming feelings of love that I have ever felt. With the Lord’s help, I knew that He was aware of me and all of the things that I was worried about. But, more importantly, I knew that He was aware of my son, who was His son first and I didn’t need to worry about him – I just needed to love him. I knew that I could do that.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>During Craig’s years at BYU, we watched a slow progression from “I am not gay” to “I am gay”. First he had one friend who also experienced same-sex attraction, then two, and then he started to go to the Matis Firesides for anyone struggling with same-sex attraction. Then he made even more friends who were experiencing similar feelings. This all came as quite a shock to me, as I had no idea there were so many families in the church with children who were dealing with the same issue. Why weren’t we talking about it in the church? How many youth in our wards were suffering just like Craig, too afraid to tell anyone. Afraid that if they were honest, they would be rejected by their family and church. This was extremely distressing to me. I had never had any church leader offer me any assistance of any kind with this. I felt totally alone, but yet, so many people were trying to figure out how to deal with it.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>During my son’s years at BYU, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why my son was gay. I read everything I could get my hands on. I read many conflicting theories, but none of them seemed to apply to Craig. Fortunately, I was able to come across a website (Northstar) hosted by LDS parents that try to help those dealing with same-sex attraction as well as parents, friends and leaders. They have an on-line Google group where I could talk to other parents and see how they were handling homosexuality in their families. This group has been life saving for me. These women reached out to me and totally understood my feelings of love and conflict with my son and the church. These women were able to speak with me mother to mother. To have these women care and completely understand and validate my pain was overwhelming – I just let the tears flow. I was finally able to talk to someone without the feelings of shame that are so common in the church when it comes to homosexuality. Finding these women was just one of the Lord’s tender mercies that have become so common for me. The best advice that I have ever received came from one of these sweet women, “Stop worrying about the ‘cause’ or the ‘cure’ and love you child”. I could do that.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Not long after Craig ‘came out,’ I decided that I wanted to try and meet some other LDS families with gay children. I decided to introduce myself to the local Affirmation group. The group decided to meet and invited me to attend with Craig. This meeting had a very profound affect on me. There were not any other family members, just wonderful LDS young men and women that had to navigate homosexuality in the LDS Church. I was overwhelmed at how welcoming this group was to me. After all, I was an active member of the church that I knew they had all felt pain growing up in. I had to wonder if the roles had been reversed, if they would have felt such overwhelming love from their Relief Society or Elders Quorum brothers and sisters if they had arrived alone to the meeting, not knowing anyone. One by one they all shared their own heart breaking stories of coming to terms with their sexuality in the church. I will be forever grateful for these wonderful people sharing their very personal stories with me. When we take the time to get to know someone and their “story”, it is impossible to not love them. I also felt like they each had a longing for the church that was once such an important part of their lives, but it was impossible to live a gay life in the Mormon Church so they had to separate themselves. I would love for these wonderful men and woman to feel like they DO have a place in our church as disciples of Jesus Christ because they could offer us so much.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>With this experience and new perspective, I see things that I didn’t see before. The story of the Good Samaritan has taken on new meaning to me. We have many men and woman in our families and wards that suffer from things that we don’t always understand or are even aware of. Sometimes it is just easier for them to leave and separate themselves. As faithful members of the church trying to follow God and do our duty in the church, we don’t always see them, or want to see them, or know what to do. We don’t see how our words and actions can be hurtful. As true disciples of Christ, we should be striving to offer love, empathy and compassion to all of God’s children, even when there journey is different than ours and even when they take a different path for their lives.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Over time, I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet other men and women just like Craig. They are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. They have so much compassion for others. Perhaps because they know what it feels like to be one of the ‘least of these’. I have learned more about love from this experience than I could possibly have learned any other way. My son continues to be an exceptional human being that excels in everything he puts his mind to and people love him because he truly cares about them. He has great compassion for others and we continue to learn from him and his example. He continues to be a wonderful blessing in our family.</span></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-68064580451451407862014-05-04T10:56:00.001-07:002014-05-04T10:56:14.246-07:00A Mom's ExperienceI often go to the No More Strangers blog and always find poignant posts there. This morning I found one that I could really relate to. I don't have a gay child, yet similarly I struggle with offensive remarks that are made in Sunday School and Relief Society on lessons that I think will be uplifting, but leave me feeling defensive and wounded instead. It's especially difficult when a lesson is supposed to be on Christ and his love and yet people find ways to disparage our gay brothers and sisters, or liberals, or feminists, or... fill in the blank.<br />
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So today I'm reposting this lovely post about how a ward rallied and apologized after a troubling lesson. <a href="http://www.nomorestrangers.org/inspired-events-how-a-negative-sunday-school-experience-becomes-a-beautiful-mormon-experience/">http://www.nomorestrangers.org/inspired-events-how-a-negative-sunday-school-experience-becomes-a-beautiful-mormon-experience/</a>C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-35719937724880421362014-04-23T18:31:00.002-07:002014-04-23T18:31:44.537-07:00I'll Walk With You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
While I work on my next post, please take the time to watch this. <iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/sGGIqnW21gc?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-6195804838106682902014-03-31T11:07:00.000-07:002014-03-31T11:07:32.541-07:00What I've Learned so Far... <div class="MsoNormal">
A Few Things I’ve Learned So Far…<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p> (Sorry that I haven't posted anything lately from a typical Mormon mother, or from one of the LGBTQ people I've come to know, but I decided to weigh in some things I've learned.)</o:p></div>
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I didn’t know what to expect the
first time I attended a Mormon Building Bridges whose purpose is to bridge
awareness for the LGBT community and offer unconditional support, Among the
dozen or so people there were three women sitting in a row, who looked like
they could be the visiting Relief Society presidency, but that wasn’t the bond
they shared. It was that they were mothers who had gay children. As I got to
know the women better, that first impression wasn’t far off the mark as two of
them are currently serving in a R.S. presidency or have served recently. One of
the three admitted that she no longer attends church as it has become too
painful. My heart goes out to her. I understand. She chooses to worship God in
a way that fills her heart with love and that no longer happens for her in LDS
chapels. The other two women choose to stay, grounded in the gospel that they
love, and hope to make a difference. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Since that first meeting over six months
ago, I’ve, read, and attended meetings and seminars. I’ve asked questions and
listened, all to gain a better understanding of one of the most important social
issues of our time. While there is a common thread among all the stories, there
are important differences too. Stereotyping the LGBTQ community is no more
helpful than it is to stereotype other groups of people. We are all
individuals, with individual stories, no matter whether we are gay, straight,
black, white, Asian, Mormon, Catholic, or Jew. I could go on and on here. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Here’s some
commonalities I’ve found. I don’t know about all who identify as LGBTQ, but for
most the journey is a painful process of discovery. I have a feeling that in
time when society learns to honor differences, rather than just tolerate them,
this stigma will be greatly reduced. The majority of Mormon gays and lesbians I
know had a long period of denial and negotiating with the Lord. They may have
worked very hard to “pray away the gay.” Most did something above and beyond
what was required of Mormon youth. They fasted more than the suggested amount.
All except one of the young men I’ve featured on this blog served LDS missions.
One was an LDS seminary teacher and temple worker. Some attended the temple
frequently. Their parents, leaders, and peers knew them as gospel stalwarts. The parents were not prepared, in that they didn’t notice the signs, so
there often was an adjustment period. This is important for other parents to
know. Parents, friends, and family of LGBT youth may be unknowingly setting up
an environment of homophobia. By teaching traditional LDS values on marriage,
they may be pushing someone further into the closet of shame and self-loathing.
Or they may be saying things that are even more destructive to the young
listening ear. Examine how the message is being taught. Is it really necessary
to preach against something while promoting religious values?<o:p></o:p></div>
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One of my friends
who is not gay, nor as far as she knows is anyone in her immediate family, said
something enlightening. One of her children made a somewhat disparaging remark
about a gay person. Paraphrasing what she said… “Chances are someone in our
family or close to us is gay and we just don’t know it yet. Please don’t say
those kinds of things.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That struck me.
Most kids by the time they come to terms with their sexuality will have already
heard countless disparaging remarks about the gay community. They will have
felt deep shame for trying to be who they are. It’s my hope that we all realize
this and don’t put down others assuming that no one in ear shot is gay or
whatever we feel the need to criticize at the moment. It’s my hope that the
young person who is questioning their sexuality won’t have heard cruel things
from his own parents and siblings. When that is the case, as it quite often is,
it will make the process of discovery even more painful. For most of us,
growing up is already painful enough, add to that extra layers of shame heaped
on by society and many religions for something that is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> a choice. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 200%;">I’ve
featured some very strong young men who have wonderful parents. These young men
have risen above the self-derision that all of them admitted having. I’m not
sure how they were able to do this, but what several indicated was a personal awareness
or revelation where they felt comforted by God or the Holy Spirit or some
divine source. They were deeply impressed that they are loved just the way they
are. Once that personal confirmation of their self-worth comes, they are able
to move forward. This is often when an LDS person with same-sex attraction
chooses to come out to those closest. What may have taken them years and
sometimes even decades to do leaves those who are hearing it for the first time
unprepared. The words and actions of those he/she first chooses to tell can be
affirming and uplifting or inflict unnecessary harm.</span></div>
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If you are given the opportunity to
be one of the people that a gay person comes out to, prepare to say and do the
right thing. If you’ve already blown it, make amends. Just like anything else,
it’s harder to fix things once the damage is done, but it is worth the effort.
Relationships are more important than institutions and religions. Being
Christ-like is never the wrong choice. <o:p></o:p></div>
C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-80557151201474400512014-02-26T13:26:00.000-08:002014-02-26T13:26:13.223-08:00Part 2 of 2 Kade Kimber: God simply loves me for who I am--His child.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CcVp-_W3KgU/Uw4xd7Ke6XI/AAAAAAAACg8/d509rl6y7Kg/s1600/1017700_10151595946974926_2032020029_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CcVp-_W3KgU/Uw4xd7Ke6XI/AAAAAAAACg8/d509rl6y7Kg/s1600/1017700_10151595946974926_2032020029_n.jpg" height="317" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kade with his sister Kodi</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Blogger's note: I've started this update with the last paragraph of part 1. If you want the whole Kade Kimber story be sure to read his mother Brenda's post which is before Kade's. I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to feature this beautiful story on my blog. On a personal note, since I've started the blog, I've already seen an increase in understanding in my area on this issue. If you wish to contribute to this blog please contact me through the email provided on the right side. This blog has evolved from what I had first envisioned. Initially, I thought I would concentrate on mothers with gay children, but I think it really adds to bring the voices of the person most impacted and that's the LGBT child. Admittedly, if you are LGBT you might be in a position where you were damaged by the people who are supposed to love you the most. You may not have had the exemplary parents that I have featured here. Hopefully, through education parents will know that their first reaction is critical. But if you think your story can teach others, let me know.<br />
<br />
By Kade Kimber<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I called my
mom first. After fumbling for the right words, which is never really a problem
for me, Mom said, "Honey, just say it. Tell me what you're trying to
say." I said, "Mom, I think I might be bi." Saying I thought I
might be bi, rather than just saying I was sure I was gay, was as far out of my
comfort zone as I could go at the time. Since then, I've learned that this is
VERY common for those first coming out of the closet. It was a first step,
anyway, so that was something. My mom replied with, "Honey, what took you
so long? I've known since you were little. Your aunt, grandma, and I used to
talk about it when you were young and I've just been waiting for you to come to
me in your own time. I just didn't think it would take this long. But, it
doesn't matter to me if you're bi or gay. All I want for any of you kids is to
have you be happy and healthy. You're the same exact Kade I loved five seconds
ago and that will never change.<b> So, can we just accept this and get on with
life so that you can now be happy?" </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">It was such
a relief--of epic proportions, in fact. Though on one hand I was admittedly a
little angry that my mom knew the whole time and didn't say anything, I also
knew that I'd have shut down immediately and gotten defensive if she'd have
approached me about it. She truly did know best and allowed me to come to the
realization on my own, and she was there to support me when I did. I couldn't
have asked for anything better. Similar scenarios played out with the five
other people I told over that night and the next--my two big sisters, my two
best friends from childhood, and a close friend who happened to be someone I
baptized while on my mission. They were all equally as supportive and I feel so
blessed to have had that kind of coming out experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">A few months
after this, I still hadn't really told anyone beyond those initial confidants, but
life was looking on the up and up. I felt like a weight beyond all weights had
been lifted from me & the energy from it was amazing to me. I shifted my
prayers from "please take this from me--and if not this, then my
life" to "please help me get through this". That altered approach
alone was life-changing. It was also during this time that I decided that I
needed to get a dog; even though I was "out" to some people and that
reduced my feeling of isolation significantly, it didn't take away the fact
that I still was essentially a hermit & I thought a dog would help get me
out of the apartment more. I got my dog, whom I named Matza Ball, right at the
same time my lease was ending with my then-roommate. It couldn't have happened
at a better time. I never came out to my roommate while we lived together; he
made so many anti-gay jokes and was such a violent person (like when he almost
punched a hole in the wall simply because he spilled some soda on the kitchen
floor)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that I didn't dare tell him. He
was also LDS, but that was about the extent of our similarities. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I moved into
a new apartment complex and specifically got a non-LDS roommate. I needed
someone who could accept me for who I was without fear that they would try to
guilt trip me every chance they got. It was just what I needed while I figured
things out. Things were falling into place rather nicely. I loved my new
apartment, I got along fine with my roommate, and I had Matza Ball to keep me
company & to get me out of the house. Every Friday night, I'd wind down
from a long week of work by taking Matza on an extended walk. It was great for
the both of us. It was while we were on such a walk one evening that we bumped
into my neighbor from across the hallway while he was out walking his dog. We'd
seen each other in passing while out with our respective dogs, but hadn't ever
spoken. This particular night, we said "hi" to one another...and then
I glanced back to find that he was looking back at me, too. I wasn't prepared
to handle this, but I did know that I wanted to find out more about him--and if
the reason he was staring back at me was because he was attracted to me as much
as I was him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">So, the next
day, I knocked on his door. I told him I hadn't ever introduced myself and
apologized for that and then we started chatting. <b>I decided to be brave and
casually mentioned that I'm gay. </b>It felt so incredibly strange to say that to
another human being. He was the first to hear the actual words from my mouth.
And, after a little bit of fishing and coaxing, he finally admitted he's gay,
too. We started hanging out together, and then that turned into dating. Again,
I hadn't prepared for this. I had planned on remaining an active and worthy member
of the Church. But, I was beginning to realize what this would mean for my life
in terms of relationships. And I wasn't so sure I was OK with a life of
loneliness after all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">After dating
this guy for a while, I finally decided to share it with one of the two people
who spoke to me at church--and she, incidentally, was a good friend of mine
that I knew on my mission. I had become very close to her family while I was a
missionary and she was like the bratty little sister that was fun to torment.
That relationship turned into a great friendship after moving back here, so I
felt like it was time to share my news with her. On one hand, it was a mistake;
on the other, it fast-tracked a resolution I'd not expected. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">By this
point, I'd already told her I was gay, but hadn't mentioned I was dating. When
I did, she flipped out and made me promise to go visit with our bishop
immediately. I didn't really want to, but I promised nonetheless. So, off to
the bishop's office I went. I'm not sure what I expected as an outcome of that
meeting, but I definitely wasn't expecting things to go the way they did. The
bishop told me I wasn't gay, that my wires were just crossed, and that he knew
a counselor that could "fix" me. None of that shocked me to hear,
though it did hurt my feelings to think that--while said in truly the most
loving of ways--anyone viewed me as having my wires crossed. It made me feel
like I was less-than. More like I was a sub-human. But the strangest thing
happened that I'd never in my life done before--I pushed back & questioned
my bishop's counsel. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I told him
that I had done the counseling route and I<b> knew that my wires weren't crossed,
nor was I broken</b>. At the same time, I also knew I couldn't go back into the
closet. I explained that it was such a dark and scary place from which I fought
so hard to escape, so there would be no going back at that point. The words and
the passion with which I said them completely shocked me. It was the first time
I felt like I was starting to stand on my own two feet in all of this. Sure, I
knew there was the possibility that my membership in the church I loved would
be revoked due to my decisions and actions, but by then I'd learned something
bigger: God loved me. God didn't warrant that love upon how many hours I spent
in a pew, or how many hours of scripture reading I completed, or how diligent I
was with my home teaching. No. God simply loves me for who I am--His child. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I had taught
this as a missionary; I had never in my life felt it for myself. It was elusive
and frustrating. In fact, I remember many, many monthly meetings with my
mission president in which he encouraged me to set the goal of learning of
God's love for myself. I don't think either of us in those moments would ever
have guessed in our wildest dreams that I would finally gain an understanding
of this love by me coming out of the closet. Oh, how God works in mysterious
ways. But, by having that knowledge, I was able to say what was in my heart and
know that my pushing back to my bishop was the right thing to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That doesn't mean it hurt any less.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Telling him
those words didn't hurt, mind you, but the realization of what that moment
meant did: I couldn't have it all. I don't know why I thought I could. I guess
I just was overly optimistic. But, at any rate, I couldn't be a gay Mormon--or,
at least, not the gay Mormon I thought was possible. I got to my car and just
sobbed as reality hit. I called my mom on my drive home from church and told
her what had just transpired. She said, "Honey, I've been trying to
prepare you for this, as I knew this was coming. I know you think you can have
it all, but in this case, you can't. I'm so sorry. You've got some tough
decisions to make. But, we'll get through this and you'll be even better for
it." In that moment, I didn't see how that was even possible. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I don't
recall the exact parting with the bishop from that meeting, but it was
something along the lines of that we'd touch base soon, I was to continue to
pray, yada yada yada. At any rate, I was quite surprised to get an email from
him a couple of days later--an email in which he said that he'd been wrong. The
more he'd thought about it and prayed about it, he said, the more he realized
that I was right. My wires weren't crossed and there was nothing wrong with me.
He encouraged me to be happy and to be as close to the Church as I could be as
I continued through life. He said to be the best person I can be, regardless of
if I'm active in church or not. And he said he always would be there to love
and support me, no matter what I decided. I sat there stunned. I read and
re-read that email a good dozen times. After years and years and years of
feeling like I'd never have any resolution, after feeling defeated and lost,
and after having to muster up bravery time and time again to share my inner-most
secrets, it was over. Don't get me wrong--my battle to make it through the
coming out & acceptance process wasn't even close to over; if anything, it
was just beginning. But, at least my battle to have some sort of religious
resolution was over. That was more than I'd had to that point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><b>That day, I
decided that I would do exactly what the bishop said: to be the best person I
could be, regardless of my religious standing. </b>Over the years since then, I've
had several people comment to me that I'm one of the few people they've known
to be gay and not have hard feelings towards the Church. I guess I never saw a
point to be any other way. What purpose would that serve? To me, I'd only be replacing
what had been an incredibly painful and large part of my life with even more
negativity if I went on a Church-hating rampage. When I came out, I immediately
experienced a huge amount of mental freedom. No longer was I spending every
spare waking moment hating myself. In fact, it occurred to me that I didn't
even know what to think about if I wasn't spending the time beating myself
down. There was no need to go back to that point, so I wanted to fill the vast
amount of thinking space with more positivity and happiness--not with disdain
for a gospel I still loved. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">This required
me to make one massive distinction that I'd never before given much thought: I
decided that to get ahead with the most joy and least amount of loss from
Church inactivity, I had to separate spirituality and religion. And, beyond
that, I had to give up on the "why" questions. Why me? Why am I gay?
Why does God allow this? I couldn't think of a possible scenario in which I'd
gain any satisfactory answers in this lifetime, so those questions had to be
put on the shelf to be dealt with in the next life. It didn't matter why; that
doesn't change my reality. So, then the question became, what am I going to do
with this? Living my best life was a bit too vague. Good, but vague. I had to
use it to achieve some greater purpose. I did not go through Hell and back only
to just say "well, there it is" and get on with life. No. I had earned
the right to much more than that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">It took me a
little while, particularly because <b>I had to give myself time to feel
comfortable in my own skin</b>, but I finally figured out what it was that I did
earn: the opportunity to help others going through similar experiences. I
didn't just have sympathy, I had pure empathy. And to me, nothing can trump
that when you're in need of someone who understands you. Because of the suicide
of my stepbrother during my senior year of high school, I'd already committed
to never knowingly let someone feel alone or unloved, no matter how little I
may know the person. The later added focus to help others struggling with
homosexuality really built upon that commitment and gave me more purpose. To
accomplish this, however, meant that I was going to have to be open and let
people into parts of my life that I once never fathomed I'd be sharing with
even my closest friends, let alone total strangers. But, if that's what it took
to help ensure that I could impact even one person in this lifetime, it would
make every second of my personal struggle worth it. And that would then become
my "why" answer, if there ever was one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Most people
who know me would say my life is a pretty open book. Those same people would be
quite surprised to know just how closed off I really can be. Among other
things, the mere fact that no one would ever have guessed the degree of my
inner-turmoil all of those many years, as I tend to be a very social &
positive person on the outside, is basic proof of that. So, it took some
serious thought and time weighing out the pros and cons of how to proceed. <b>I
ultimately decided that at the end of the day, this was my story to tell and I
wanted to be the one to control the message </b>instead of leaving it open to
interpretation--or even worse: rumors. I'd seen the rumor mess happen to a
classmate of mine & I did not want that to happen to me. To combat this, I
sat down and wrote an open letter that I eventually posted on Facebook so that
it reached the bulk of the people who might even care to begin with. I felt so
naked doing that, but I knew that was the only feasible thing to do in order to
just move on with my life already.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Leading up
to this, I had actually been out of the closet for about three years. The few
friends and family members who did know my truth were told to not mention or
even hint about it on Facebook, as I did not want anyone (including my father)
finding out without me conscientiously making that happen. But, I had grown
weary having to so closely monitor anything that was posted. At that same time,
I had dated a handful of guys and was enjoying what was becoming my
longest-lasting relationship to that point with a man I'll simply call Doc (to
help preserve his privacy). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">After
several short-term relationships with people who turned out to not be such good
or nice people in the end, I was over relationships. I had decided that I just
needed to surround myself with good people and to make new friends, preferably
ones like myself who are gay but don't define themselves by it. In that spirit,
I answered an online personals ad from someone who sounded like they were in
the same boat as me. They happened to be gay and just wanted someone cool to go
hang out with, go to the movies with, etc. This person was Doc and he respected
that I'd been very badly hurt emotionally in my last relationship. We had a
blast just hanging out together. And, over time, we had a great friendship
going. I still had oh-so-much baggage I was dealing with and had built up a
huge wall emotionally, but he gave me my space. Then, one day we were driving
to dinner and arguing over something stupid when he turned to me in the middle
of it and said, "I get that you have a lot you're still working through
and I am fine to give you the time to do so. But, I can't pretend anymore that
I don't love you, because I do." I was stunned. I said, "You love me?"
He said, "Yes, I do." I said, "Well, that's good, because I love
you, too."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Over time,
as that relationship continued to grow, it was becoming harder & harder for
some friends and family members to not post Facebook comments that included
Doc's name just as a natural course of conversation. I had to delete many
comments and send private notes explaining the reasoning--and it was always
that it might lead someone to suspect that Doc was more than just a friend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Finally one
day, a post made it onto my wall and I wasn't to where I could easily delete it
while I was running about town doing errands. That's when I decided I'd had
enough. I was strong enough to handle whatever unkind words may be thrown at me
from even the most vocal family members or friends. I immediately pulled into a
Target parking lot and called my dad. I told him that, while I didn't want to
be, the fact is that I am gay. I did everything I was supposed to, but nothing
had changed that reality. And, not only that, but I was in a serious relationship
with a guy. <b>"Oh, and by the way, Dad, he's black, so Grandma is probably
reallllllly rolling over in her grave by now."</b> (I love my dad's mom
dearly, but she had an unfortunate streak of racism in her.) Dad's response
shocked me. He said, "Well, Son, it sounds like you did everything I'd
advise you to do. You prayed, you fasted, you worked with your bishop, and you
even tried counseling. I know it's not what you would want and it's not what I
would want for you, but it doesn't change anything. You're still my son and I
love you just the same. Oh, and Grandma probably is happy for you, too, as I'm
sure she's got a different perspective on things now." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">That
conversation did my soul so much good. It needed to happen and I'd put it off
long enough. I was then free to open up to others, which is when I posted my
open letter. I called it my "Doozy of a Note". And it was a doozy. I went
ahead and posted it on Facebook--and then waited for the deluge of insulting
responses from well-meaning individuals who were "loving the sinner and
hating the sin". (Incidentally, I do not think there could be a more
judgmental statement than that & I despise it.) Yet, the exact opposite
happened. People I'd not seen or spoken with in years were commenting or
sending me private emails offering support and encouragement. Multiple people
even emailed to say that they believed their son or daughter is gay and that I
helped them understand how to help that child. Some were even more personal and
I'll not share their stories out of respect for the people who opened up to me
about their own struggles, but needless to say, I was awestruck not only by the
amount of love & support that was being poured out to me, but by the fact
that my sharing this information about my life had even a small impact on some
individuals. I felt so grateful and so humbled. And relieved. Life could
finally just be life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Well, kind
of, anyway. There was one person I still could not bring myself to tell--my
other grandma, my mom's mom. Oh how I did not want to disappoint Grandma. I was
the one grandchild who had been active, served a mission, and seemingly lived
the active Church life she wanted all of her kids and grandkids to live. She
had high hopes I'd be married in the temple and have a large family. To dash
that dream for her was more than I could handle; to do so while also telling
her I was gay was out of the question. And yet, a chain of events eventually
required me to do just that before all of us (including Doc) would be in Boston
for my oldest sister's graduation from law school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wrote Grandma a letter and explained
everything the best I could; my mom made it a point to go visit my grandma the
weekend after the letter was sent so that she could be there to answer
questions and re-assure her that I'm fine. I almost had a heart attack from
stress while waiting for Grandma's response. Once her letter did arrive, she
said in it that my being gay made her cry--not because she was disappointed in
me, but because it'd been such a struggle for me. She assured me of her love
for me and said she was looking forward to seeing me and meeting Doc. Still, I
had my reservations about all of that happening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">But, happen
it did. Grandma is truly one of the sweetest people God has ever put on this
earth and I never for a second thought that she would say something rude or
unkind to Doc or in front of me. At worst, I thought she'd perhaps make a
comment to Mom in her own passive-aggressive way when we weren't around that
would let me know she didn't approve of Doc or that she was displeased with me.
It would still be said kindly, but it'd be insight into how she truly felt. However,
the day after introductions had been made & we'd all spent time together,
Mom told me that she'd spoken with Grandma one-on-one that morning and <b>Grandma
said how much she liked Doc. I was flabbergasted. But that was only the tip of
the iceberg of things to come.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">As part of
our plans while in Boston, we wanted to take Grandma on a whale watching tour
that Mom & I had previously enjoyed. We all ventured to the pier and waited
for the ferry. Grandma and I both share in having knee problems, so we sat down
while the others milled about. We sat there looking at the ocean and chatted
for a bit. Then, Grandma turned to me and said something along the lines of, "It's
been so great meeting Doc. He seems like such a good guy. <b>Honey, I know this
isn't all what you would have picked for yourself, but life doesn't always go
as we plan, does it? I'm just so glad you found such a nice guy. It's so hard
to find love in this life and I'm glad that you have found it.</b> That makes me
really happy." She didn't need to say anything further; I knew in that
moment that I had been mistaken in thinking this was something I should keep
from her. My grandma continues to amaze me with the limitless boundaries of her
love and it means the absolute world to me to know she is happy for me and with
me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">In the years
since then, Doc and I have been so blessed to build a wonderful life together.
At the time I'm writing this, we're a couple of weeks away from our five-year
anniversary. As with any relationship, it has its own challenges, but we're
fortunate to have a wonderful group of friends--both gay and straight--who are
true friends and who love us just for being us. It still amazes me to see that
happen, as a part of me still anticipates the same rejection I felt growing up.
Gym class was always the worst, so I came to absolutely hate (and I don't use
that word lightly) any sort of team sports. Thus, the fact that Doc & I are
now playing in an LGBT charity kickball league is mindboggling on so many
levels. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I know I
have so far to go and always have areas for personal improvement, but I have
such a profound sense of gratitude to be where I am today & to have such
inner peace. If I can help bring that to another soul in even the smallest of
ways, then I hope & trust that the Lord will lead me to that so I can be of
service. That will make it so that all of this will have been worth it for this
boy who grew up feeling so alone and out-of-place, but who now feels loved and
at peace!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I wouldn't
in a million years choose to be gay. But, of course, we don't always get what
we want. We do, however, have the ability to make the most of it. I wasted so
much time hating myself and despising what really amounts to just be a small
part of what makes me who I am. Coming out allowed me to stop wasting time self-hating
and I now spend that time living each moment to the fullest. Words can't even
begin to explain what that feels like. It also makes me sad that so much time
was wasted unnecessarily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn't
necessarily need to come out at an earlier age, as I think things happen when
they do for a reason, but I could've spent a lot more time learning to love
myself so that I then could realize that others can love me, too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><b>If I could
go back and tell the young version of me anything, it would be: </b>1) you are loved
just the way you are, flaws and all; and 2) it truly does get better. I'd want
the young me to have that knowledge and the hope that would have made many,
many dark days perhaps a little brighter and less lonely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Do I have it
all? No, I don't. But, I have enough. Learning to make my spirituality be
independent from religion has been a huge factor in getting to this point. I am
encouraged by the progress I see in the Church's acknowledgement that greater
work needs to be done to let gay members feel more included and loved. The
steps they're taking are good. The steps Church members need to take, however,
are even greater. Church members don't need to understand the struggle fully.
But, they do need to understand that it's an unwanted struggle that does not
benefit one iota from judgment, gossip, or unkind words. At the end of the day,
we are all spirits on this journey called life. If we are true followers of
Christ and not just Christian in name only, lifting one another up along the
way should be a much higher priority to us than spending our time judging the
struggles of one another. My spirit is finally at peace and I'm profoundly
grateful for that. I didn't think that going against my religious beliefs would
ever bring me peace; it just doesn't make sense. But, when we realize we are
more than any given religion and that physical religious rites are not what
determines our personal worth, peace can be brought to and from our spirits. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I think of
religion as a vehicle that helps to carry our spirituality. Most of us don't
know how all of the components of a vehicle works; we just know that it gets us
from one point to another & we have faith it will do so. But, as with any
vehicle, it can have its fair share of problems. It needs tune-ups and maintenance
to keep going. Sometimes those tune-ups don't go correctly or are going to be
lengthy, so we're forced to not use our vehicle while it gets fixed. It doesn't
mean we don't need to still get from one point to another; it just means we
have to figure out another way to accomplish that. In the case of the Church's
(and more specifically, Church members') current lack of acceptance and
inclusion of their gay brothers and sisters, our spirituality is left without
the vehicle it once fit so nicely within. And, quite frankly, it sucks. But,
whether our solution is to find another vehicle in which to carry our
spirituality, or learning to carry it ourselves, we do so. We have to.
Otherwise, we're at a standstill and not getting to where we need to be. That's
a horrible position in which to find one's self. I'm ever-so-grateful that--as
painful as it has been at times--I've been able to keep carrying my
spirituality forward. And, I readily acknowledge it hasn't been done completely
on my own. Loving friends and family (many of whom are active Church members)
inspire me, reach out to me, and accept me, despite my many shortcomings. That
means the world to me as I continue to define for myself what it means to be a
gay Mormon--something I never wanted, but am nonetheless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-26252634654015653882014-02-23T19:13:00.000-08:002014-02-23T20:23:14.746-08:00Meet Kade Kimber: "God Wasn't Going to Bargain With Me, No Matter How Many Times I Begged."<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Blogger's Note: Last week, I posted Kade's mother's story. This week, I'm featuring Kade's story. This is part 1. Kade has a great sense of humor, so it's easy to forget that before he came to terms with who God created him to be, he was in a lot of misery. So many of these stories share some heartbreaking similarities: shame, denial, pain, self-loathing, anger, bargaining, and finally accepting and affirmation. It's my hope that by sharing these stories, our LGBT friends and family members can come to a place of self-love and peace before damage leads to despair, and so often self-destructive behavior and/or suicide. It's my sincere prayer that those who love someone who is gay can help create a healthy and safe environment for all to thrive. We are all in this together. We need to stop shaming and start affirming. </span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">By Kade Kimber <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3we-jZoNcg4/Uwq33RI18eI/AAAAAAAACgM/1hEmI05UMkA/s1600/31433_392448332646_1914097_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3we-jZoNcg4/Uwq33RI18eI/AAAAAAAACgM/1hEmI05UMkA/s1600/31433_392448332646_1914097_n.jpg" height="237" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kade is in the striped shirt and red pants. This is about 1/3 of the whole school population</td></tr>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Like almost
anyone who identifies themselves as gay, I knew very early on that I was
different. The problem was that--again, like most gay people--I REALLLLLLLY
didn't want to be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Growing up
in a very small ranching community in rural Utah is not an easy life; spending
your childhood feeling like you're more tolerated by people than accepted as
being no different from your peers--well, that's REALLY not an easy life. But,
that is how my formative years were spent: knowing I was different, knowing
others knew I was different--and yet, somehow fooling myself into thinking that
I was hiding it & just imagining things whenever I felt people looked at me
differently than others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">But, as the
years went on and my family moved to a larger community, it became harder &
harder to believe that I was imagining things. My classmates would make little
comments here and there, name calling ensued (and continued through high
school), and part of me was 100% miserable. Yet, the other part of me wanted to
believe that if I just did X [prayed harder, fasted harder, worked harder at
it, got more involved in church, etc.], then it would all be fixed and I'd be "normal"
(whatever that is).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">That belief
continued long after it probably should have--I was a returned missionary in my
20s when I finally started accepting that my faith and any religious activity
was not going to save me from the inevitable. It was clear that God wasn't
going to bargain with me, no matter how many times I begged for that from the
very depths of my soul. My prayers had evolved from pleading for these unwanted
feelings to be taken away, to simply wanting my life to be taken away. Clearly,
I was broken and no amount of fasting or prayer would fix that. However, I
decided a Mack truck, a freak accident, or a heart aneurysm would. So, I
started hoping and praying for that. Non-stop. In fact, it was all-consuming. I
think my reasoning was that I knew I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself
(though if things hadn't changed, I'm not sure how long that would've been the
case), so the next best thing was for the Lord to end my misery. It truly made
sense at the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I had done
everything I was supposed to do--I'd served an honorable mission, I went to the
temple regularly, I was heavily involved in church--and yet, no matter what I
did, these feelings persisted. I foolishly thought they'd 100% stop once I was
a missionary; after all, missionaries don't have those kinds of thoughts,
right? I laugh at the idea of it now, but at the time I truly believed that
once I was set apart as a missionary some sort of holy cloud, if you will,
would come over me and my thoughts would be completely spiritual. (Obviously,
I'd never spent any length of time around missionaries or else I'd have known
better & not be so devastated when I did learn this idea was not even close
to reality.) The fact this didn't happen was not only disappointing, but
stressful. I spent a lot of my mission feeling like a failure, despite what
looked like a successful mission on paper. There were a large number of
baptisms, leadership role after leadership role, and great relationships built
along the way. But yet, I felt like some sort of fraud for not being able to
keep my overly human thoughts at bay. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I went on my
mission because I knew it was what I needed to do--not because it was expected
of me. I didn't go until about a year and a half after I was eligible to do so
because I'd never planned on going on a mission. But, once the pressure was
taken off of me (I think people gave up on me and wrote me off as a lost cause
when my 20th birthday came along and I was still at home in college), I was
able to really seek out answers. I not only gained a testimony, but then I knew
I couldn't <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> go on a mission. I was
so excited for it, and to this day I consider it a great honor that I was able
to serve. That doesn't mean it was any easier when I got on my mission and
realized I was still human. And, not only that, but so were the other
missionaries. Some did better at others at masking their disdain over a person
whom they saw as a closeted gay missionary, but even then it wasn't a big
secret that comments were made. One companion in particular was so horrible
that I went into a deep depression that took a long time to emerge from. Trying
to do the Lord's work alongside someone who has called you a "fag"
and "queer" isn't an easy task. But, I got through it. And, despite
the challenges, still had an enjoyable time overall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">But, now
that I was back home and still struggling, I finally decided that I needed to
get help. I spoke to my bishop, who actually laughed when I told him I was
afraid I was gay. He wasn't laughing at me; he was laughing at the idea of it.
There's no way I was gay, he said. Me--the recently returned missionary who was
traveling throughout the stake to give talk after talk at the request of the
stake presidency who, for some reason, thought that of all people I had some
ability to connect with congregations & enlighten them spiritually. It just
wasn't possible. He said that almost every guy is curious at one point or
another, so that must just be it. But, I knew that wasn't it. I was very
frustrated that, while my bishop gave a loving attempt at reassurance, I still
had no answers. I'd opened myself up to him more than I ever had anyone else,
and yet--no answers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I'd always
been scared to really open up to Church leaders about this very awful, horrible
thing that was inside me that, in my eyes, made me an equally awful and horrible
human being. In fact, years and years before that while I was in high school, I
even tried to get help anonymously. I had a friend whose dad was a bishop; they
lived across town and I'd never actually met his dad, so I knew he would have
no idea who I was. Caller ID had just been developed, however, so I had to be
careful about my approach. I waited until I was dog sitting and then called
this random bishop from the house where I was staying with the dogs. I told him
that he didn't know me, but that I had heard he's a bishop and thought he may
be able to help. I told him that I had a friend who was afraid he was gay and I
didn't know how to help him. The bishop said, "Kevin, is that you?" I
told him it wasn't and then I hung up. While it wasn't much help from a
religious perspective, it was the first time I had ever felt that I wasn't
alone. Somewhere out there, someone named Kevin was most likely dealing with
some of what I felt. While of some comfort, it still didn't solve my problems.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">So, years
later, when I opened up directly to my own bishop who knew me, it felt like the
bravest thing I'd ever done. And yet, from his reaction I couldn't help but
wonder if I'd somehow made a mistake. I mean, all I got from it is that my
bishop didn't take my concerns as seriously as I had needed him to. And that's
when I decided to take matters into my own hands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">This
interaction with my bishop occurred a few months after returning from my
mission. I had also started back at college during this time. The university, of
course, had counseling available. I thought that perhaps that could be a good
start for me. I had gotten to where I was getting worn out by it all--the
non-stop battle within myself to be anything but gay. I made the appointment
and went to the counseling session, feeling like a freak the entire time I sat
in that waiting room. I told the counselor my concerns. She said, "What's
the worst that would happen if you're gay?" I said, "My life would be
over." I wasn't being overly dramatic; I truly believed my life would be
over. There was absolutely no way that my life could go on if I were gay. I
look back and realize I felt that way because I didn't remotely love myself and
couldn't figure out how it was then possible for anyone else to love me. Coming
out would make this a reality with which I couldn't fathom coping, whereas
keeping the secret to myself allowed me to continue under the disillusion of
thinking that people loved me. I left feeling even more desperate, isolated,
and hopeless, but then I determined that she clearly could not have been LDS if
she were as accepting as she was of the idea of being gay. (Of course, I think
quite differently now, but that was my reasoning at the time.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Thus started
my series of counselor shopping. I called LDS Family Services and got a list of
LDS counselors that accepted my insurance plan. I honestly don't know how many
I went to, but each of them failed to "fix" me. After going this
exhausting route for some time and not getting anywhere, I found one counselor
that seemed to be understanding of my plight. He assured me I could get these
feelings completely under control, have my full membership in the Church, and
even get married and have a family--something I had come to doubt was even
possible for me. Unfortunately, however, no matter how many pamphlets, Church
talks, psychology articles, etc., I read (and carefully hid from everyone
around me, as not a single soul knew I was in counseling at the time), my
feelings hadn't changed. I was again without hope. And I decided that
counseling was not the right plan. I had to come up with something better.
What, I did not know--but there had to be something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I continued
to live this way for a few more years before the opportunity arose for me to
move back to where I'd served my mission. I had fallen in love with the area
and wanted to be there again. Plus, I figured I could get residency to lower
law school tuition. It was perfect. Scary and exciting, but also perfect. So, I
moved and got settled. For the first year, I just worked and spent time at my
apartment. My roommate worked all the time and was going to school, too, so it
was the perfect arrangement. I basically had the place to myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">At the time
(in 2006), single wards were still in existence and I was excited to get
involved in mine. I had had such a wonderful experience with my singles ward in
Utah and had made great friends there--and even had dated a few girls from the
ward, too. I was sorely disappointed to find that with the exception of exactly
two people, no one in my new singles ward would talk to me. No one. I was
living in a new place with so much promise--and yet, I had no friends around me.
It was one of the loneliest times of my life. The only thing that helped keep
my mind off my self-loathing was the fact it was such a mental thrill to move
to a new place and start a new life. But, that thrill quickly wore off. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I was so
poor at the time and finally saved up enough money to buy a small TV, as I'd
left my other TV in Utah. I remember being so excited to have some sort of a
distraction from my thoughts. Sure, I couldn't afford cable, but I could afford
Netflix. So, I sat in my apartment and watched DVD after DVD...all the while
thinking about how much I didn't want to be gay, how no one seemed to get me,
how disconnected I was from any sense of community at church, and how I just
couldn't do it much longer. Clearly, the TV wasn't as big of a distraction as
I'd hoped. During this time of tremendous self-pity, my prayers for change were
as strong as ever. But then something happened. I don't know what, exactly, but
whatever it was forever changed my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">Maybe I was
just tired. Maybe my soul had had enough. I don't know. But, what I do know is
that one night I decided to--for the first time ever--say aloud, "I'm
gay." I should preface this by saying that for me, answers to prayers have
always come from me making a decision and saying that decision aloud. If it
felt right, then I knew I had my answer. If I felt butterflies in my stomach, I
knew it wasn't right. That night (December 2, 2006), I immediately knew my
answer the second the words escaped my lips. And it scared me to no end. But, I
decided it was time to reach out to those whom I love and I just hoped I wasn't
making a mistake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lQhl5DvYvYo/Uwq4ic9eMCI/AAAAAAAACgk/2rzE0ueDrpk/s1600/Kade+&+Me.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lQhl5DvYvYo/Uwq4ic9eMCI/AAAAAAAACgk/2rzE0ueDrpk/s1600/Kade+&+Me.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kade and Brenda</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">I called my
mom first. After fumbling for the right words, which is never really a problem
for me, Mom said, "Honey, just say it. Tell me what you're trying to
say." I said, "Mom, I think I might be bi." Saying I thought I
might be bi, rather than just saying I was sure I was gay, was as far out of my
comfort zone as I could go at the time. Since then, I've learned that this is
VERY common for those first coming out of the closet. It was a first step,
anyway, so that was something. My mom replied with, "Honey, what took you
so long? I've known since you were little. Your aunt, grandma, and I used to
talk about it when you were young and I've just been waiting for you to come to
me in your own time. I just didn't think it would take this long. But, it
doesn't matter to me if you're bi or gay. All I want for any of you kids is to
have you be happy and healthy. You're the same exact Kade I loved five seconds
ago and that will never change. So, can we just accept this and get on with
life so that you can now be happy?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Tahoma;">It was such
a relief--of epic proportions, in fact. Though on one hand I was admittedly a
little angry that my mom knew the whole time and didn't say anything, I also
knew that I'd have shut down immediately and gotten defensive if she'd have
approached me about it. She truly did know best and allowed me to come to the
realization on my own, and she was there to support me when I did. I couldn't
have asked for anything better. Similar scenarios played out with the five
other people I told over that night and the next--my two big sisters, my two
best friends from childhood, and a close friend who happened to be someone I
baptized while on my mission. They were all equally as supportive and I feel so
blessed to have had that kind of coming out experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3196162652835185136.post-58228277876686431082014-02-16T12:19:00.000-08:002014-02-16T12:23:10.486-08:00"I Am So Glad He is In the World and that He Is In My World!" <div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I first met Kade when he was in the 1st grade when my husband and I were teaching in the extreme rural community of Grouse Creek, Utah. Kade was one of 24 students grades K-10th. After he and his family moved, we lost track of Kade but facebook brought him back. I've loved hearing about his life via humorous and sometimes poignant posts. He's written the most insightful comments on this LGBT blog. The rest of this post is written by Kade's mother, Brenda Leigh Baxter. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MljiZoG5-nU/UwEeABRLRuI/AAAAAAAACfY/Ln--pLGN51k/s1600/image.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MljiZoG5-nU/UwEeABRLRuI/AAAAAAAACfY/Ln--pLGN51k/s1600/image.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is Kade showing off his bread creations, as I knew him in Grouse Creek.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0GY4NaH8zCk/UwEatIyJMtI/AAAAAAAACe4/yMYNUEVpe3k/s1600/Kissin'+Kade.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0GY4NaH8zCk/UwEatIyJMtI/AAAAAAAACe4/yMYNUEVpe3k/s1600/Kissin'+Kade.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kade with his loving mother Brenda</td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
By Brenda Leigh Baxter</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I knew from when he was a very young age that Kade was
<i>different.</i><i> </i> Living in a small ranching
community, he never fit in with the boys who were into being cowboys and all
things <i>Western. </i>But he grew up with
lots of cousins around and everybody seemed to accept him just as “Kade.” He had such an outgoing personality and made
friends wherever he went. When we went
to meetings in other Church wards, we would have to go round him up to come sit
with us when meeting started because he had been going up and down the aisles
meeting everyone he could. When we moved
into “town,” he knew all the neighbors on the block before the rest of us had
even met anyone. All through school, he
had lots of friends, but usually only a few guy chums to hang out with. When Kade was in 6<sup>th</sup> grade and we
had just moved to Ogden, I gave him the opportunity to join both a touch
football league and to take a modeling class.
Guess which one he liked better?!
The modeling class won hands down!
He hated getting dirty playing football and loved being the center of
attention when he was modeling. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think in the back of my mind, I always knew Kade was gay,
but he was in total denial, so I never pushed it, but just kind of observed him
in different situations and always tried to be there for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One time we were camping with some friends
and he and Lisa, the friends’ daughter, were hanging out in one of the tents,
having a great time laughing and talking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our friends got very concerned that they were in the tent together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hadn’t given it a second thought because
it was <u>Kade</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew they were
just friends and that there was nothing to worry about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After Kade got home from his mission, he
dated a couple of different girls, but as I observed him with them in my home,
he never held hands with them or showed any other types of physical
affection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept thinking:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Girls!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Get a clue!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he was so darn
handsome that I didn’t blame them for trying!<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was very proud of Kade for serving an honorable
mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was his own idea – He didn’t
go because family was pushing him, but waited until he felt ready to go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kade was an outstanding missionary and
learned so many things from his mission, including how to budget money, get
along with a great variety of companions, and he also improved his leadership abilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Serving in a Southern State, he met people of
all ethnicities and social strata.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
loved everybody – It didn’t matter how poor they were or the color of their
skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kade is a very giving and caring person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has helped out on various campaigns and
fund raisers for different charities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
would give him a bad time whenever we were walking around Ogden, because<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>somebody would invariably come up to Kade and
ask him for change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow that “giving
aura” radiates out of him!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would tell
him I couldn’t take him anywhere!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Over the years, I had talked to my sister and to my two
daughters about whether they thought Kade was gay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everybody figured there was a pretty good
chance he was, but none of us pushed the question on him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had
been living with me for a couple of years, going to college, when he finally
came out to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think my first words
were something like:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What took you so
long?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a relief to finally
have it out in the open.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But at the same
time, it was also very sad to have it finally confirmed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was worried about how family and the world
in general would treat my “baby boy”, and of course, I was disappointed knowing
he would never have a traditional family, nor probably give me any
grandchildren.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew Kade had a strong
testimony of the Gospel, and that this was extra hard on his image of what kind
of life he “should” be living – goodbye to a Temple marriage and all that goes
with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For my part, it probably came at a less traumatic time, as
far as my Church activity was concerned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because I was divorced, I had had a hard time feeling like I belonged in
church any more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had tried going to my
home ward off and on, but never felt like I was even visible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started going to an older singles ward (age
40 and up) in Ogden, and was starting to make some girlfriends and starting to
feel like there were others like me who understood what it was like to be
single and in the LDS Church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
going pretty well every week and enjoying the classes and Sacrament talks, when
the General Authorities decided to disband all the older singles wards and have
everyone attend their home wards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
tried going to my home ward again and hung in there several months until my
daughter Kodi went in for major surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For the next four months, our lives revolved around keeping her and her
little family afloat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though I had
mentioned Kodi’s upcoming surgery to some of the Relief Society ladies in the
ward, it was several months before anyone called me to see how things
were going and why I hadn’t been to church. Since then, it has just been too
hard for me to try to go to meetings by myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think all three of my kids and I are in about the same place as far as
the Church is concerned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We believe in
the Gospel of Jesus Christ and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints is the restored Gospel on earth today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we also know that the church leaders are only men, and that like all
of us are human and therefore are fallible.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a gay friend,
Mike, who has had his name removed from the records of the Church, as have his
mom and sister.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That might have been the
right choice for them – They didn’t want to belong to a church that was
judgmental<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>because of sexual
orientation, instead of just loving each individual for who they are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I understand that, but feel there is much
good in the Church and that it’s the best we have for right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have lived long enough to see the major
changes in policy that have come about in the Church, from the Blacks holding
the Priesthood to women saying prayers in General Conference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Church’s stand on Gays has come a long
ways from where it was, but there is still a strong stigma that keeps many
outstanding, loving people from attending and participating in the Church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kade tried being honest with his Bishop in
Raleigh, but felt like he was still trying to be <i>fixed</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was too uncomfortable for him to continue
to attend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope that someday he and
all the other LGBT members of the Church will feel accepted and loved enough
that they will be included.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the
Church’s loss as well as theirs that this isn’t the case now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The gay people that I have met are some of
the most creative, loving, happy, giving people anywhere!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have so enjoyed meeting Kade’s partner and
his many gay friends in Raleigh when I’ve been there to visit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are awesome!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did have a hard time when Kade first started dating guys,
and then when he met his partner, <i>Doc.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it is so wonderful to see him happy and enjoying life!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it has been so fun meeting his
friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My one regret:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had little idea of how much sadness and
self-hatred Kade went through for all those years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t know how truly hard all of this had
been for him over the years or how suicidal he became at times. I wish that he had felt he could talk to me
about it. He tried counseling and
reading and praying and fasting – anything to not be gay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Guess what!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>None of that works!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know Kade
would never <u>choose</u> to be gay, but that’s the way things are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And his accepting that has made all the
difference in the world to his happiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is an amazing guy with so much energy and creativity and ability! He is talented at so many things, including
his marketing job, his great ability to write and to express himself, and his
creative ability with his crafts business and doggy businesses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is great fun to go shopping with and
always manages to find the best bargains!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His taste is impeccable and he is my best shopping buddy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has so many friends and so much to offer
the world!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so glad that he is still
in this world and that he is in MY world!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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C.J.http://www.blogger.com/profile/00727052976972722483noreply@blogger.com2