"I Am So Glad He is In the World and that He Is In My World!"

I first met Kade when he was in the 1st grade when my husband and I were teaching in the extreme rural community of Grouse Creek, Utah. Kade was one of 24 students grades K-10th. After he and his family moved, we lost track of Kade but facebook brought him back. I've loved hearing about his life via humorous and sometimes poignant posts. He's written the most insightful comments on this LGBT blog. The rest of this post is written by Kade's mother, Brenda Leigh Baxter. 

This is Kade showing off his bread creations, as I knew him in Grouse Creek.

Kade with his loving mother Brenda

By Brenda Leigh Baxter

I knew from when he was a very young age that Kade was different.  Living in a small ranching community, he never fit in with the boys who were into being cowboys and all things Western.  But he grew up with lots of cousins around and everybody seemed to accept him just as “Kade.”   He had such an outgoing personality and made friends wherever he went.   When we went to meetings in other Church wards, we would have to go round him up to come sit with us when meeting started because he had been going up and down the aisles meeting everyone he could.  When we moved into “town,” he knew all the neighbors on the block before the rest of us had even met anyone.  All through school, he had lots of friends, but usually only a few guy chums to hang out with.  When Kade was in 6^th grade and we had just moved to Ogden, I gave him the opportunity to join both a touch football league and to take a modeling class.  Guess which one he liked better?!  The modeling class won hands down!  He hated getting dirty playing football and loved being the center of attention when he was modeling. 

I think in the back of my mind, I always knew Kade was gay, but he was in total denial, so I never pushed it, but just kind of observed him in different situations and always tried to be there for him.  One time we were camping with some friends and he and Lisa, the friends’ daughter, were hanging out in one of the tents, having a great time laughing and talking.  Our friends got very concerned that they were in the tent together.  I hadn’t given it a second thought because it was Kade.  I knew they were just friends and that there was nothing to worry about.  After Kade got home from his mission, he dated a couple of different girls, but as I observed him with them in my home, he never held hands with them or showed any other types of physical affection.  I kept thinking:  “Girls!  Get a clue!”  But he was so darn handsome that I didn’t blame them for trying!

I was very proud of Kade for serving an honorable mission.  It was his own idea – He didn’t go because family was pushing him, but waited until he felt ready to go.  Kade was an outstanding missionary and learned so many things from his mission, including how to budget money, get along with a great variety of companions, and he also improved his leadership abilities.  Serving in a Southern State, he met people of all ethnicities and social strata.  He loved everybody – It didn’t matter how poor they were or the color of their skin.  

Kade is a very giving and caring person.  He has helped out on various campaigns and fund raisers for different charities.  I would give him a bad time whenever we were walking around Ogden, because  somebody would invariably come up to Kade and ask him for change.  Somehow that “giving aura” radiates out of him!   I would tell him I couldn’t take him anywhere!

Over the years, I had talked to my sister and to my two daughters about whether they thought Kade was gay.  Everybody figured there was a pretty good chance he was, but none of us pushed the question on him.   He had been living with me for a couple of years, going to college, when he finally came out to me.  I think my first words were something like:  “What took you so long?”   It was a relief to finally have it out in the open.  But at the same time, it was also very sad to have it finally confirmed.   I was worried about how family and the world in general would treat my “baby boy”, and of course, I was disappointed knowing he would never have a traditional family, nor probably give me any grandchildren.  I knew Kade had a strong testimony of the Gospel, and that this was extra hard on his image of what kind of life he “should” be living – goodbye to a Temple marriage and all that goes with it. 

For my part, it probably came at a less traumatic time, as far as my Church activity was concerned.  Because I was divorced, I had had a hard time feeling like I belonged in church any more.  I had tried going to my home ward off and on, but never felt like I was even visible.  I started going to an older singles ward (age 40 and up) in Ogden, and was starting to make some girlfriends and starting to feel like there were others like me who understood what it was like to be single and in the LDS Church.  I was going pretty well every week and enjoying the classes and Sacrament talks, when the General Authorities decided to disband all the older singles wards and have everyone attend their home wards. I tried going to my home ward again and hung in there several months until my daughter Kodi went in for major surgery.  For the next four months, our lives revolved around keeping her and her little family afloat.  Even though I had mentioned Kodi’s upcoming surgery to some of the Relief Society ladies in the ward, it was several months before anyone called me to see how things were going and why I hadn’t been to church. Since then, it has just been too hard for me to try to go to meetings by myself.  I think all three of my kids and I are in about the same place as far as the Church is concerned. We believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the restored Gospel on earth today. But we also know that the church leaders are only men, and that like all of us are human and therefore are fallible.

 I have a gay friend, Mike, who has had his name removed from the records of the Church, as have his mom and sister. That might have been the right choice for them – They didn’t want to belong to a church that was judgmental  because of sexual orientation, instead of just loving each individual for who they are.  I understand that, but feel there is much good in the Church and that it’s the best we have for right now. I have lived long enough to see the major changes in policy that have come about in the Church, from the Blacks holding the Priesthood to women saying prayers in General Conference. The Church’s stand on Gays has come a long ways from where it was, but there is still a strong stigma that keeps many outstanding, loving people from attending and participating in the Church. Kade tried being honest with his Bishop in Raleigh, but felt like he was still trying to be fixed. It was too uncomfortable for him to continue to attend. I hope that someday he and all the other LGBT members of the Church will feel accepted and loved enough that they will be included. It’s the Church’s loss as well as theirs that this isn’t the case now. The gay people that I have met are some of the most creative, loving, happy, giving people anywhere!  I have so enjoyed meeting Kade’s partner and his many gay friends in Raleigh when I’ve been there to visit.  They are awesome! 

I did have a hard time when Kade first started dating guys, and then when he met his partner, Doc. But it is so wonderful to see him happy and enjoying life! And it has been so fun meeting his friends.  My one regret: I had little idea of how much sadness and self-hatred Kade went through for all those years. I didn’t know how truly hard all of this had been for him over the years or how suicidal he became at times. I wish that he had felt he could talk to me about it. He tried counseling and reading and praying and fasting – anything to not be gay.  Guess what! None of that works!  I know Kade would never choose to be gay, but that’s the way things are.  And his accepting that has made all the difference in the world to his happiness. He is an amazing guy with so much energy and creativity and ability! He is talented at so many things, including his marketing job, his great ability to write and to express himself, and his creative ability with his crafts business and doggy businesses. He is great fun to go shopping with and always manages to find the best bargains! His taste is impeccable and he is my best shopping buddy. He has so many friends and so much to offer the world! I am so glad that he is still in this world and that he is in MY world! 

Meet Adam. "Too Mormon to be Gay and Too Gay to be Mormon"

Written by Carole Thayne Warburton after interviewing Adam.

I met Adam a little over five years ago. We’d just moved into our new ward just a few miles from the ward we’d lived in for over fifteen years. Adam was the nice boy in a class of mostly disinterested and sometimes rowdy sixteen-year-olds in the sunday school class I taught. He was the one I called on for the answers when no one else would speak up, or when I didn’t know the answers. I remember saying, help me out here Adam. He’d smile and flip to the appropriate scripture, or come up with the answer. It was never boastful. His kindness permeated his countenance. A few months later, classes changed and I didn’t see much of him again, but he’d made a very positive impression on me. 

A few years later, I’d heard he’d come home early from his mission. Depression. I wondered how he was doing over the next year, but didn’t see him very much. Then a close friend who has a gay son sent me a message to be sure and watch the Adam Maughan video. To say I was shocked is not an exaggeration. I was moved beyond words and cried, then watched it again and again. I couldn’t believe that the young man with kindness in his countenance had been hiding a secret. I couldn’t believe that he’d felt that the secret was so shameful that his life wasn’t worth living. But, I rejoiced in the message of hope that we all deserve a happy life. If you haven’t watched it, before you read another word, or even if you don’t choose to read the rest of the story behind the video, watch it. 

Adam Maughan is a student at Utah State University, currently pursuing a degree in English with an emphasis in secondary education.  He also has interests in psychology, theater, and music.  He hopes to be able to teach in a juvenile detention center or similar facility, as he is particularly passionate about helping at risk or troubled youth.  In his free time, he enjoys writing books, piano improvisation, singing, going for bike rides, and spending time with his friends and family.Despite the occasional ups and downs that all of us have in life, Adam feels that his depression is finally under control.  He finds hope in the positive reactions that he has received since coming out, and feels that he has a strong support system that he can always turn to.  While balancing his sexual orientation and religious beliefs is often a struggle, Adam takes comfort in knowing that there is a loving God who is always in control.  “I firmly believe that God knows what He’s doing.  All the experiences we have, good and bad, are there to help us become the person He knows we can be.  Obviously there is still so much we don’t know surrounding this issue, but I have faith that God hasn’t forgotten or abandoned me.  He will lead me where I’m supposed to be.”

When Adam was in an 8th grade math class, a student who was at his same table told everyone around him that Adam was gay. To stop the boy, Adam kicked him under the table and the boy said, “The gay kid kicked me!” And another said, “You should burn your shoes.” Adam knew he wasn’t gay. He knew gay was a bad, evil thing to be, and he knew he wasn’t. It was a choice and he chose not to be that. But he started to wonder. Everyone says I am. He had a problem with pornography, so when he talked to his church leaders, he told them he had an addiction to pornography and that sometimes, he looked at pictures of guys. But he knew that if he prayed hard enough, if he read his scriptures, if he did everything he was supposed to, it would go away. He had fasted many times, sometimes for two days in a row…but he was the same. 

In high school the teasing continued. He was never shoved into the lockers, nothing physical, it was more subtle than that. Once he remembers walking down the D hall at Mountain Crest and one of the football players was on the opposite side with a couple of his friends. The guy winked at Adam, and said, “Hey cutie, how are you doing?” Then chortled with his friends. The emotional abuse bothered him. He distanced himself from anything that might be perceived as gay, even who he associated with. He loved drama, but  made sure he didn’t hang out with his drama friends, even though they were great people. He analyzed everything he did, how he walked, did he put his hands in his pockets, did he swing his arms too much like a gay person? I still knew I wasn’t gay, but I didn’t want anyone else to think I was either. 

He went to an addiction recovery group with his dad as his sponsor. He worked on his pornography problem for what seemed like forever trying to get rid of it so he could go on a mission. He reached a point where he had a girlfriend.“We planned for a month how we were going to first kiss. We had the perfect place sitting on a dock at Bear Lake. We held hands. And finally I kissed her, and the first thing I said was, well we made a bigger deal about that than it needed to be.” He’d hoped to feel fireworks and it freaked him out that he didn’t. He’d made her feel badly too. She must’ve wondered what was wrong with her. Even though, he had a huge emotional attachment to her, there wasn’t any physical attraction. 

He was called on an LDS mission to Indiana, the same as where his father had served. Even though he was at first disappointed that it was state-side, it ended up being the being the best place for him. The best place because he had a very understanding mission president. The depression came because the feelings that Adam had tried to stuff and pray into oblivion were not going away. He had lots of sexual dreams and always about guys. He felt like he must be the worst person in the entire world. “How could I be on a mission and preaching the gospel and yet still have these feelings completely against what I am teaching? And I remember thinking I don’t want to go to hell. I want so badly to do what God wants me to do. I believe in what I’m doing, but why do I feel this way? What did I do wrong? I’d tried my entire life to be perfect and    do the right things.”

He started seeing counselors on his mission, but the depression worsened. Eventually when it became clear that he would have to go home, his very loving mission president, who had someone close to him who was gay, responded only with love and concern for Adam. When the president talked to Adam’s parents, Adam’s mom pressed him for the reason Adam was depressed. What Adam didn’t know was that his mom had been educating herself on the issue and had prepared herself for the possibility. The mission president didn’t want to break confidentiality, but when Adam’s mother said, “I want to be able to help him. I’ve had my suspicions. Does he experience same-sex attraction?” The president, said yes, that is what he is dealing with. 

His mother paved the way for him to come home to a loving family by telling them what the root of Adam’s depression was. In a very real sense, she outed him to his immediate family and to some of his extended family. “By the time I came home there were about twenty people who knew and who still loved me anyway. That was a really great experience for me. I don’t think I would have had the guts to tell them. I already felt like such a failure.” He feels like his mother did him a favor. 

Even though, he had a loving family, that didn’t solve Adam’s depression. “I hadn’t lived up to everyone’s expectations. And I felt like God had abandoned me. The atonement is supposed to cover everything, every sin, everything, and yet He couldn’t change this about me. It made me question whether God was really there. I was extra worried because I had just come back from a mission and I felt like everyone thought I was questioning my testimony, so going to church was hard.” 

Adam had a friend who had been dealing with similar issues—he too—called it an addiction. Adam had been his example because he went on a mission and had written to his friend and had told him, he could beat this thing. When Adam came home from his mission, the two young men with similar trials developed a strong friendship. Adam felt like he was the only one who completely understood him, and the only one who really cared about him. Before long they fell in love with each other. Then, the young man rejected him. He told Adam, “I can’t see you ever again. I can’t talk to you ever gain.” He made it clear that he wanted to see Adam again very badly, but felt like he wouldn’t be able to reach his goals in life if Adam were to be a part of his it. Adam felt like this friend was the only person he could ever fall in love with and now he was out of his life—forever. I felt like a part of me had been killed too. I was stuck. Too Mormon to be gay, and too gay to be Mormon. 

Everything piled up. Had his whole life been a failure? There was no use in trying because nothing could go anywhere positive. With that in mind, he began looking up ways to kill himself on the Internet, trying to find the most painless way. “It scared me. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I wanted to die.” He told his counselor about his plan to take all his meds at once and to end it all. The counselor asked him if he thought he could make it through the night. He said, he didn’t know. The counselor urged him to tell his parents. His mother did some research and he along with his parents and counselor decided to admit him to the University of Utah Neuropsychology Unit (for suicidal intent). There, he had intensive one on one therapy with psychologists, psychiatrists, group therapy, music therapy and met some great people. Even though his parents had told him they would love him no matter what, he still felt like it had to be conditional. They believed in the Mormon church wholeheartedly. He felt like they would only love him if he remained celibate or if he married a woman—the only options for a gay Mormon. He was still broke up over losing what felt like the love of his life. His immediate family came to the hospital for a frank discussion with Adam’s psychologist. When his mom learned that Adam felt like he could only be loved by the family if he walked that fine line, his mom burst into tears. She said, “Adam, I love you so much and it’s not conditional. If you have a partner, he will be welcome in our home.” His siblings were supportive too. His younger sister said, “If you end up with a boy, it will be weird at first, but it could become my new normal.” 

While in the hospital, Adam met people who endured unbelievable trials. The girl across the hall from him had been raped multiple times and had seen her mother killed right in front of her. Her kidneys were shutting down from all the pills she had taken to try to kill herself. For one devastating reason or another, everyone there had been suicidal. In the ten days he was there he learned to love them all so much. He wondered why he was even there. “All I am is gay.” He learned that everyone is just searching for happiness. Everyone just wants to be loved. Everyone just wants to find joy in their lives. 

The video idea came about only weeks before the one year anniversary of his admission into the hospital. By the time, he made the video, he’d already “come out” to his closest friends and his family all knew. He wanted to tell others not to commit suicide, but wasn’t sure about the best way to do it. He was so grateful for the hospital experience and wanted to commemorate that, do something to let people know he was ok with who he is, and share what happened. The idea of the video came through prayer and fasting. “It was the most spiritual prompting I’d felt since my mission.” He found the song he wanted to use and put it together using clips and photos from his journey. When he showed the powerful video to friends and family, every reaction was positive. “I never thought coming out would be a spiritual experience but it was.” 

Adam hopes that people will get educated so that attitudes can change. In schools, bullying isn’t allowed. He would encourage young people to find someone they can trust to talk to. There are counselors at the schools. At USU they have an ally program where instructors and professors who would like to be, are trained. They put a sticker on their office doors so that the LGBTQ students know safe people to talk to. Adam wonders if public schools could adopt a similar program.  Adam thinks about his parents and their reaction to him. They are strong believers in the Mormon church, and yet they want to be there for him no matter what he does with his life. If bishops and other church leaders could have a similar attitude, it would be great. If the bishops could just say, if you want to stay in the church, or if you don’t, I still want to be here for you and be your friend. If leaders had that attitude, we’d see more choosing to stay involved in the church. There are so many groups for the Mormon gay person to be involved in for support—no matter what they believe in. There is Northstar, Affirmation, Mormons Building Bridges and others. 

Unfortunately, the message people are hearing no matter how much they are taught about love at church, is to love everyone as long as they fit the norm. There’s a lot of people who for some reason or another just don’t fit in. Everyone has something they aren’t super proud of, which is nevertheless a reality for their life. Or even if they are proud of it, that’s fine. The church should reinforce that we should love people no matter what. The church has made huge efforts. But the tone in the message is important. “I feel like the tone could be changed.” In an effort to reach as many people as possible, Adam worked to achieve the right tone with his video. 

Even though there are so many things about the church that Adam loves, he still has a really hard time attending. He has PTSD with church. Church can cause him to tremble and he just has to leave sometimes. It’s easier to attend his home ward with his family. But regardless, if he can ever feel the same way as he used to, his love and faith in God is the same. He used to really be bothered that the atonement couldn’t fix everything, but then he realized the atonement isn’t going to do anything that is against Gods will. So he’s learned to be okay with that. He’s come to recognize the blessings that have come to him and to his family through his being gay. “I thought my family was really strong before, but now we are so much stronger.”