Matters of the Heart: Tammy Maxwell

Before fifteen year-old Kayden came out to his parents there were changes in his personality that were so unlike him. He’d always been such a perfect son.“He’s very kind and loving. He’s always been so good with his younger siblings, nieces, nephews and cousins. He loves to play church hymns on the piano. He’s so Christ-like.” But her son had become dark and depressed. There were signs that he might be gay. So one day she sat him down and asked him if he was attracted to girls, at all. “He said no, and just started crying and crying. I just loved him so much. I wanted to put him in a bubble and protect him forever. There was no judgment. There was just love. Seeing the pain in his eyes. Yeah, I just wanted to take that from him. I knew for sure that it wasn’t a choice for him.” 

But the night they found out what had been bothering Kayden, Tammy thought she was having a heart attack. Her heart just kept hurting and hurting. Chest pains could mean something very serious, so they finally went to the hospital and after some testing found out that Tammy wasn’t having a heart attack after all, but a severe anxiety attack. Although the literal pain subsided, her heart would continue to ache figuratively as she expanded her love to include many other LGBT youth who would need her love. Tammy’s husband also was not judgmental about his son. From the onset, he’s been nothing, but supportive. 

When I sat down with Tammy Maxwell, it was impossible for me not to feel the magnitude of her warm personality and giant heart. I knew she was someone special, someone who was on a mission to make the world a better place for her son Kayden and for all of her now numerous gay friends. I think LGBT people sense in her that same acceptance that she shows her son. If they need a listening ear, she listens. If they need a place to live, she and her husband open up their house. Tammy has always loved the gospel. She’d felt like everything fit like a perfect puzzle. But suddenly she was thrust with a situation which didn’t fit. There was no place in the gospel plan for her wonderful son. There was no place for her new gay friends. 

For the first year, Tammy felt very alone as an LDS mother with a gay son, even though her ward was great. Kayden’s bishop assured Kayden that he didn’t choose this, that it was part of who he was. “But at fourteen when everyone’s hormones are out of control. And you tell a young person that they can act on these feelings [not in this life] but in the next life. That just tells them that death is the only thing they can look forward to. That sets them up for suicide. Even single sisters can look forward to marriage as a possibility. The church gives hope to everyone else.” Tammy sought answers and found Affirmation (a support group for LGBT Mormons). When she attended the conference, she met many inspiring people, including Tom Christofferson (Elder Todd Christofferson’s gay brother) who has been a continual support to many in the LDS/LGBT community. It was so spiritual. She felt reassured that we just didn’t have the answers yet, but she never felt that these LGBT kids were bad. She felt stronger than ever that she was needed in the church to help make the changes, but that challenge has been greater than she ever could have imagined. Her heart would be tested again and again. 

Tom Christofferson

Becoming a Mama Dragon (Moms who fiercely defend their LGBT children) came easily to Tammy. Being a Mama Dragon sometimes meant dropping everything and attending a funeral of a young man who had committed suicide even though the funeral was four to five hours away and you didn’t know the son or the mother. Sometimes, it meant attending a funeral to support a young LGBT Mormon whose father had just died, but who had said mean things to the son before he passed on. Sometimes it meant meeting other mothers for lunch and sharing your heart with them. Sometimes it means marching in PRIDE parades. When a family member was concerned about her activism and asked her what she was doing because “homosexuality is wrong.” She answered. “I’m doing exactly as our Savior would do.” For Tammy that means that you will continue to give support whenever and wherever you are needed. It means enlarging the bubble she wanted to surround her son with to include so many others who need protection also.

It means speaking up even at the most unlikely of places. Once when Tammy was attending a basketball game, she sat down next to a mother of one of Kayden’s friends. The mother said she hadn’t seen her for a while and asked how she was doing. Tammy said, other than my life being a rainbow, great, then explained that Kayden was gay. Tammy noticed that the reaction from the woman was very negative and the woman said, “That’s a choice.” So Tammy pulled out her phone and brought up the essay 

A gay Mormon teen (age 16) writes an essay for English class

that Kayden had written and had the mother read it right there during the half-time of the game.  .After reading it, the woman had tears in her eyes and said, “I had no idea.” 

After the Affirmation conference, Tammy and her husband had an appointment for a calling in the ward. She took the opportunity to share her family’s struggle. She stressed that the ward needed to do a better job of being a safe place for her son to attend church. She was able to address the entire bishopric. “It wasn’t the youth, it was the teachers. It all kept coming back to the evil gays.”  She trained the bishopric and told them about the PR person in the ward who had access to resources and training material. The bishopric got right on it and trained the teachers. “Things had really started to change and then this policy change happened in early November of 2015. And it really deflated everything.  And now at 18, Kayden feels like the church doesn’t want him.” Just days after the talk he gave this powerful talk in church. 

Since then, it’s been extra hard. Tammy has to remind herself of the strong impression she’s received from Heavenly Father. She’s never felt like there wouldn’t be a place for her son in the Celestial Kingdom. She knew her Heavenly Father had a plan and a place for him. Even though the church doesn’t have the answers, it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t have the answers. “I still know that there is a Heavenly Father and that our Savior died for me and for Kayden. I have to hold on to that.”

But lately the heartache has been hard to bear. “I hurt so badly for Kayden, not because he's broken or deformed or has cancer.  Because I raised this perfect child in a perfect church with the perfect plan.  I had family home evenings every Monday talking about this beautiful plan. I taught him to pray to a Heavenly Father that loved him and a Savior that died for him.  I told him of all the good in the world.

And that there are answers to everything in the scriptures...

Then I see him falling apart before my eyes and I can't understand.  I see him doubt his very existence and wonder why God sent him as such a horrible, awful shameful person.  And why had we not had a family night on this?  And where is there room for him in this plan I had taught him about over and over?

I want to carry him through all of it, and knock anyone down who questions me. And I just keep taking it all on...on an unnatural personal level.  So I cry a lot.  And I feel everything.  I know they have their personal free agency...I just don't like the wrecking ball that comes at them…” 

“My hope for Kayden is that I want him to be married to a man someday. I want him to find someone. I want the same thing for all of my gay friends. I want them to have the same thing that I have—a loving family. I think we all deserve the same thing…I would tell any mother or father who is finding out that they have a gay child that they have to know how much you love them. We will have less suicides if we talk openly. Love and withhold judgment. They need to know that the Savior died for all of us.”

Faith, Love, and PRIDE 2014

I asked several of my new friends and my cousin in California to share their responses after participating in PRIDE last Sunday. If you didn't get to go, their responses will give you a glimpse into what we experienced. I hope you will take the time to read these. It brought me to tears cutting and pasting their experiences. I don't need to add anything, but too was overwhelmed with the love of complete strangers, not just in the Mormon groups, but more especially from those cheering for us. As one marcher said, "It's embarrassing, when all we are doing is walking to receive so much love..."

Cindy Hatch and family 

 Cindy shared this: Last year I told my son I was coming to the Pride parade.  He seemed surprised and a bit nervous and felt it necessary to warn me it wouldn't be like the small town parades I was accustomed to....I wasn't too worried.  Our whole family, grandkids and all went and loved being there to support our son and his friends as well as the entire LGBT community.  Mid parade the buzz of clapping hands and cheering voices escalated and I was surprised and humbled to see the Mormons Building Bridges group confidently striding up the road.  It immediately brought tears to my eyes and I knew I wanted to join in the 2014 Pride parade marching alongside the members of this group.  My daughter-in-law and her kids joined me for this incredible experience and we all loved it!  Our purpose in marching was to show our love and support, but in the end we became the recipients of the exact gift we sought to deliver.  High fives, hugs and thank you's were abundant and sincere, but nothing could have been better than hugging my handsome, smiling son cheering from the road-side surrounded by his friends and other family members.  My son has always known our love is unconditional.  It's such an easy but powerful thing to do to show how much we wholeheartedly support him.  This experience will never be forgotten and I hope to do it over and over again!!

Carolyn Bently, Janet Roberts, Doree Burt, Pat Burt, Me (Carole Warburton), Brittney Yunker, and son

Carolyn sent me this absolutely beautiful and visual poem to express her feelings.

Poem: Pride Goeth Before the Parade 
by Carolyn Bentley

The other day, a pride of exuberant lions and lionesses,

Birds of many colorful feathers,

Male and female and transgender of the species

Walked freely, majestically, glitteringly, incandescently

Down the street in the center of Salt Lake City.

The moving menagerie was a Disney dream

Mixed in with a little Salvador Dali, but without the melting clocks.

You would have liked it, I am almost sure.

A circus, you say? Yes, of certainty and symbiosis

And without a tent.

A carnival? Yes, of communion and common cause.

But this was not a freak show.

There are no freaks, no outsiders, no rejects,  no misfits.

One big size of heart fits all here -

Even the regulation buttoned-down white- shirted, tie-decked Elders

The modestly dressed, nylon-wearing, well-groomed, conservative sisters

Who skipped out on the Sunday rituals at ward chapels,

And chose to run away with the circus for a day.

Janet Roberts participated for the first time and shares this:

"This was my first Gay Pride Parade. I began the march to show my support to the GLBT community.  I ended the march feeling overwhelming love and acceptance from them.  Before the parade actually started, I saw many of my 'rock stars' -- people whose faces I have only seen images of on Facebook, and whose FB posts have positively impacted me-- wandering through the MBB crowd. It was surreal.  I was not shy, however, in introducing myself to them. Each one graciously shook my hand and gave me a hug.

I met my sister's husband's brother there, who is gay. I had never met him before, but recognized him from his Facebook picture.  He was so happy to know there's an ally in the family and expressed hope that someday his family would  try to reach out to him.

Once the parade started, I was not prepared for the overwhelming humility that engulfed me as we were greeted by cheering, applause, and tears.  I feel peace because of my participation"

My cousin Linda Pulsipher with Affirmation in LA

Linda shared this:
 Why I marched in the pride parade?

I’m not sure if words can adequately explain why I was compelled to march this year in the pride parade. As a faithful LDS mother, there are reasons why I haven’t marched up to this point. 1) It's on Sunday, I typically spend the day with my family refraining from activities that could be done on Saturday. 2) Let’s just say I have seen pictures of the parade and knew I probably wouldn’t be comfortable taking my children to it, so why would I go?

That said, this year I was compelled to go, so much so, that I had to convince my daughter that it would be good thing to break the Sabbath and expose ourselves to sights that we weren't used to seeing for a few reasons 1) My wonderful gay son is graduating with a double masters this week. This kid is AMAZING! I want to shout that to the world and celebrate with people that get how wonderful these kids are. In the church, it doesn’t really seem to matter how amazing these kids are, if they are gay, that is somehow bigger than any other accomplishment or incredible divine gift they possess. 2) I want the lgbt community to know that I see them and they are worthy of love, especially God’s love. In the church, I sometimes feel like we are the Priests and Levites that refuse to see the suffering that our doctrine causes in individuals trying to navigate between what their heart is telling them and what their church is telling them. We can do much better! 3) If my son can sit through four hours of conference and choose not to be offended because he loves and respects his Mormon family, I can attend a gay pride parade, because I love and respect my son and want him to know it. 4) Affirmation is a wonderful group doing a great service and I want to show my support for them.

So, how was my first experience at pride? We had a great day! My daughter and son marched with me. It was wonderful to see how happy (and surprised) my son was that we wanted to come and march with him. We met wonderful people that are putting themselves out there to make a difference, heal broken hearts and show love to all people. People cheered for us. There was a wonderful overall feeling of love and inclusion. It was a great bonding experience for our family (even the ones that weren’t there in person were happy to see us all marching together). Our hearts grew a little bigger along with our capacity to love a little more. Would I do it again? Of course, who can argue with a desire and prompting to show love to ALL God’s children?

Lisa Warburton Glad is the one with the THIS MORMON...

Lisa Glad shared this:

If you had told the “old” me (the Mom who didn’t yet know she had two gay daughters) that I would not only excitedly attend the Salt Lake Gay Pride Festival and walk in the parade, but that it would be one of the most truly spiritual experiences of my life, I would have thought you were completely NUTS.  But that is exactly what happened.   And every time I think about it, I have to find a Kleenex.  First of all, before the parade started, our Mormons Building Bridges group had a LONG wait and a friend and I were sitting on the curb.  I had my poster (“This Mormon Mom <3 L G B T Q I A”) and a young woman asked if she could take a picture of me with it.  The gentleman who shared our curb told her he’d take a picture of us and she sat between my friend and I and we put our arms around her.  She burst into tears and just sobbed, asking “Why can’t MY Mormon Mom love me?”  My heart broke for her and I just wanted to take her home!  And as we walked in the parade, the cheers and the “THANK YOUs” and the tears and the high-fives and the hugs filled my soul.  As I looked into those beautiful faces of all varieties, I felt as if I was being given a small taste of the pure love our Lord has for every one of those souls there, and I felt the sorrow He feels for the pain and heartache our LGBTQIA family members and friends have experienced.  And my already full heart almost burst with joy when my daughters emerged from the crowd to throw themselves into my arms, then their friends joined us and my heart grew again. 

My heart is forever changed; I feel like I gained so much by being there, and if I was able to give even one LGBTQIA person a bit of love and hope, it was truly worth every minute.  I will not only be at every Pride that I can, but I am doing my best to extend that feeling out to everyone I encounter, especially gay young people.