Faith, Love, and PRIDE 2014

I asked several of my new friends and my cousin in California to share their responses after participating in PRIDE last Sunday. If you didn't get to go, their responses will give you a glimpse into what we experienced. I hope you will take the time to read these. It brought me to tears cutting and pasting their experiences. I don't need to add anything, but too was overwhelmed with the love of complete strangers, not just in the Mormon groups, but more especially from those cheering for us. As one marcher said, "It's embarrassing, when all we are doing is walking to receive so much love..."

Cindy Hatch and family 

 Cindy shared this: Last year I told my son I was coming to the Pride parade.  He seemed surprised and a bit nervous and felt it necessary to warn me it wouldn't be like the small town parades I was accustomed to....I wasn't too worried.  Our whole family, grandkids and all went and loved being there to support our son and his friends as well as the entire LGBT community.  Mid parade the buzz of clapping hands and cheering voices escalated and I was surprised and humbled to see the Mormons Building Bridges group confidently striding up the road.  It immediately brought tears to my eyes and I knew I wanted to join in the 2014 Pride parade marching alongside the members of this group.  My daughter-in-law and her kids joined me for this incredible experience and we all loved it!  Our purpose in marching was to show our love and support, but in the end we became the recipients of the exact gift we sought to deliver.  High fives, hugs and thank you's were abundant and sincere, but nothing could have been better than hugging my handsome, smiling son cheering from the road-side surrounded by his friends and other family members.  My son has always known our love is unconditional.  It's such an easy but powerful thing to do to show how much we wholeheartedly support him.  This experience will never be forgotten and I hope to do it over and over again!!

Carolyn Bently, Janet Roberts, Doree Burt, Pat Burt, Me (Carole Warburton), Brittney Yunker, and son

Carolyn sent me this absolutely beautiful and visual poem to express her feelings.

Poem: Pride Goeth Before the Parade 
by Carolyn Bentley

The other day, a pride of exuberant lions and lionesses,

Birds of many colorful feathers,

Male and female and transgender of the species

Walked freely, majestically, glitteringly, incandescently

Down the street in the center of Salt Lake City.

The moving menagerie was a Disney dream

Mixed in with a little Salvador Dali, but without the melting clocks.

You would have liked it, I am almost sure.

A circus, you say? Yes, of certainty and symbiosis

And without a tent.

A carnival? Yes, of communion and common cause.

But this was not a freak show.

There are no freaks, no outsiders, no rejects,  no misfits.

One big size of heart fits all here -

Even the regulation buttoned-down white- shirted, tie-decked Elders

The modestly dressed, nylon-wearing, well-groomed, conservative sisters

Who skipped out on the Sunday rituals at ward chapels,

And chose to run away with the circus for a day.

Janet Roberts participated for the first time and shares this:

"This was my first Gay Pride Parade. I began the march to show my support to the GLBT community.  I ended the march feeling overwhelming love and acceptance from them.  Before the parade actually started, I saw many of my 'rock stars' -- people whose faces I have only seen images of on Facebook, and whose FB posts have positively impacted me-- wandering through the MBB crowd. It was surreal.  I was not shy, however, in introducing myself to them. Each one graciously shook my hand and gave me a hug.

I met my sister's husband's brother there, who is gay. I had never met him before, but recognized him from his Facebook picture.  He was so happy to know there's an ally in the family and expressed hope that someday his family would  try to reach out to him.

Once the parade started, I was not prepared for the overwhelming humility that engulfed me as we were greeted by cheering, applause, and tears.  I feel peace because of my participation"

My cousin Linda Pulsipher with Affirmation in LA

Linda shared this:
 Why I marched in the pride parade?

I’m not sure if words can adequately explain why I was compelled to march this year in the pride parade. As a faithful LDS mother, there are reasons why I haven’t marched up to this point. 1) It's on Sunday, I typically spend the day with my family refraining from activities that could be done on Saturday. 2) Let’s just say I have seen pictures of the parade and knew I probably wouldn’t be comfortable taking my children to it, so why would I go?

That said, this year I was compelled to go, so much so, that I had to convince my daughter that it would be good thing to break the Sabbath and expose ourselves to sights that we weren't used to seeing for a few reasons 1) My wonderful gay son is graduating with a double masters this week. This kid is AMAZING! I want to shout that to the world and celebrate with people that get how wonderful these kids are. In the church, it doesn’t really seem to matter how amazing these kids are, if they are gay, that is somehow bigger than any other accomplishment or incredible divine gift they possess. 2) I want the lgbt community to know that I see them and they are worthy of love, especially God’s love. In the church, I sometimes feel like we are the Priests and Levites that refuse to see the suffering that our doctrine causes in individuals trying to navigate between what their heart is telling them and what their church is telling them. We can do much better! 3) If my son can sit through four hours of conference and choose not to be offended because he loves and respects his Mormon family, I can attend a gay pride parade, because I love and respect my son and want him to know it. 4) Affirmation is a wonderful group doing a great service and I want to show my support for them.

So, how was my first experience at pride? We had a great day! My daughter and son marched with me. It was wonderful to see how happy (and surprised) my son was that we wanted to come and march with him. We met wonderful people that are putting themselves out there to make a difference, heal broken hearts and show love to all people. People cheered for us. There was a wonderful overall feeling of love and inclusion. It was a great bonding experience for our family (even the ones that weren’t there in person were happy to see us all marching together). Our hearts grew a little bigger along with our capacity to love a little more. Would I do it again? Of course, who can argue with a desire and prompting to show love to ALL God’s children?

Lisa Warburton Glad is the one with the THIS MORMON...

Lisa Glad shared this:

If you had told the “old” me (the Mom who didn’t yet know she had two gay daughters) that I would not only excitedly attend the Salt Lake Gay Pride Festival and walk in the parade, but that it would be one of the most truly spiritual experiences of my life, I would have thought you were completely NUTS.  But that is exactly what happened.   And every time I think about it, I have to find a Kleenex.  First of all, before the parade started, our Mormons Building Bridges group had a LONG wait and a friend and I were sitting on the curb.  I had my poster (“This Mormon Mom <3 L G B T Q I A”) and a young woman asked if she could take a picture of me with it.  The gentleman who shared our curb told her he’d take a picture of us and she sat between my friend and I and we put our arms around her.  She burst into tears and just sobbed, asking “Why can’t MY Mormon Mom love me?”  My heart broke for her and I just wanted to take her home!  And as we walked in the parade, the cheers and the “THANK YOUs” and the tears and the high-fives and the hugs filled my soul.  As I looked into those beautiful faces of all varieties, I felt as if I was being given a small taste of the pure love our Lord has for every one of those souls there, and I felt the sorrow He feels for the pain and heartache our LGBTQIA family members and friends have experienced.  And my already full heart almost burst with joy when my daughters emerged from the crowd to throw themselves into my arms, then their friends joined us and my heart grew again. 

My heart is forever changed; I feel like I gained so much by being there, and if I was able to give even one LGBTQIA person a bit of love and hope, it was truly worth every minute.  I will not only be at every Pride that I can, but I am doing my best to extend that feeling out to everyone I encounter, especially gay young people.

Consider Joining Us for Love

A good friend of mine Marion Jensen wrote about his experience in 2012 at the Pride parade in SLC. His blog motivated me to join him in 2013. I too shun crowds, the limelight, and usually avoid parades in general. Walking and feeling so much love expressed from the crowds toward us remains one of the most profound experiences of my life. For more information on the Mormons Building Bridges participation in this year's parade go to MBB facebook page. 

Pride in SLC 2013

Please read this post from Marion. 

Sunday Morning

Posted on June 3, 2012 by Marion Jensen

This morning I marched in a parade. Yes, that parade.

I was seventeen the last time I was in a parade. I carried a tenor sax and became dehydrated because I was in full band uniform.

I got dehydrated this time around as well, because I was wearing a suit.

I don’t like parades. I don’t like going to them, let alone marching in them. The heat, the crowds, the . . . social interaction. Give me a dusty bike trail or a small boardgame night with friends and family any day of the week.

But today I stepped way out of my comfort zone, and marched in a pride parade. I marched with a group of Mormons who went to share a simple message, “We love you.”

Although I marched in a group I drove to the parade alone. This almost made me turn back about a dozen times. I knew no one. There I was, walking down the street in a suit and tie, asking a woman in a leotard if she knew which way to the pride parade. I’m sure she wondered if I suffered from heat stroke.

But I found my people. I didn’t count, but wouldn’t be surprised if there was over 400 of us. Brothers and sisters and children, decked out in their “Sunday best”, carrying rainbow flags and signs. I think my favorite sign quoted a primary song.

I’ll walk with you, I’ll talk with you, that’s how I’ll show my love for you.

We were right behind the grand marshall, so second in line. As we marched, the crowed cheered, clapped, and at times even roared. I can only hope the love we were trying so desperately to show matched the love they showed us. A few images I will never forget:

A middle-aged woman in a tank top, stood on the sidelines, crying. She kept saying over and over, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” A woman marching next to me went over and embraced her.

A five-year-old girl, marched in front of me with a sign that said, “Free Hugs.” Many people took her up on the offer.

A man rode in a wheelchair with a walker on wheels attched to it. The walker was empty the entire time because the woman who supposedly needed it was bouncing back and forth to each side of the parade, waving and waving and waving.

I can’t explain why I felt compelled to go and march. I’m not gay. None of my immediate familiy members are gay, at least not that I know of. I’m told that the social, political, and religious issues surrounding homosexuality are complex. I won’t profess to be an expert on any of them. In fact, I’m pretty slow. I like things simple. One of my favorite parts of the bible is when Jesus boils everything down to two commandments. Only two.

Love God.

Love your neighbor.

On these two commandments hang all the laws and the prophets.

That I can understand.

With apologies to Thomas S. Monson: Miles were walked. Tears were shed. Bridges were built.

Changing Hearts One Conversation at a Time

I'm privileged to introduce Janet, in most ways a typical Mormon woman. She grew up in a very Mormon Patriarchal home where she learned to be more concerned with appearances than the content and character of a person’s heart and soul. At 28, she married the love of her life.  He had three children from a previous marriage. Together they had two children. The youngest is gay. Janet has held many callings in the LDS church from nursery leader and merit badge counselor, to Young Women’s President and Relief Society President. She lives in a comfortable home, nestled in beautiful Cache Valley. As I walked in I noticed some of the typical Mormon symbols of faith decorating her living room. We sat down at her kitchen table and I asked her to take me on a journey. A journey of discovering what it means to be LDS and have a gay son. We began with the day everything she had known, or thought she knew, changed. The rest is in Janet’s words.

Blindsided: When our son was 17, (nine years ago) we found some hand-drawn pictures of male genitalia in his room. We didn’t know what to think, so we questioned him. At first he wasn’t forthcoming, but eventually he told us he was gay. I didn’t know what that meant. I thought it was a choice. I didn’t think it had anything to do with love, just sex—sex with men. He had been such a good young man, so fun and so knowledgeable in the gospel.  I just knew he would grow up to be a General Authority.  While in high school, he baptized one of his friends.  He was a 4-year seminary graduate.  He read his scriptures and prepared thought-provoking Family Home Evening lessons.  He was an Eagle Scout, and later served a successful 2-year mission. How could he be gay? When was he having sex with guys? He hadn’t.  I just didn’t know. I didn’t understand that it was about who you are, that it was about the gender you are attracted to. We took him to a therapist at LDS Social Services. He later confessed that it was one of the worst days of his life. I think he went just to appease us. I was stubborn. “We’ll fix this. We’ll get you right.” It was devastating to my paradigm. My paradigm was LDS and it was black and white. It took me a long time to wrap my head around it.

Everything was looking good. He got ready and served a successful mission. We hoped, along with him, that the mission would change him. Some time after he returned, he served as the primary chorister. But then one day, he looked downcast. I asked him what was wrong and if he would talk to me about it. He said, “Mom, this is who I am. It’s not going to be anything different.” He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. He’d written a letter addressed to President Monson, pleading with the First Presidency to listen to the gays and all he got back was a form letter from a secretary and a pamphlet explaining how to be celibate.

 The rejection: There wasn’t anything personal, nothing to say we’re sorry for your pain,  just a form letter, that in essence said, your pain is nothing. He took his garments off. (Temple garments are sacred undergarments that adult members wear once they’ve made commitments in the temple.) And he’s been inactive ever since. As much pain as that caused me as his mother, I realized making the decision to leave activity in the church must cause him pain too. So I asked him, and he said that it did. I realized that this isn’t just about me and how I feel. He made covenants. And for what? He feels betrayed. It was hard.

I was anxious to learn and to understand. I wanted to know what gay sex meant.  What does it mean to love another man?  He was so patient with me as he answered my many questions. He gave me Carol LynnPearson’s book, “Goodbye, I Love You.” I read that and it immediately opened my eyes and made me more tenderhearted toward him and others. And then I couldn’t stop reading. I wanted desperately to understand. I read Carol Lynn Pearson’s second book (on this subject) “No More Goodbyes” and when her third book came out, we read that, too. My husband and I read “Peculiar People” and a book from a PFLAG perspective (Parents, Family and Friends of Gays and Lesbians) called “Beyond Acceptance.”  Both were really good.  They fed our souls.

Paradigm Shift: Once I began to understand, I no longer cared what people thought about me. At first, I thought, Wow, if people in the ward find out we have a gay son, we’re going to have to move. They are going to think we’re awful parents. But my paradigm shifted in another way. So many rely on an outward rather than an inward righteousness. Now, I will talk to others about what it means to be gay, but I wait until they ask. It’s almost like it’s sacred.  I don’t want to put it out there for others to make fun of. 

Maintaining Faith: For a time my faith wavered. If it weren’t for my husband and I both being on the same page, both supporting our son, and yet both wanting to maintain activity in the church, I could see myself drifting off a little bit more, and maybe he could have seen himself drifting off a little bit more too without me. We’ve held on together. I got the impression that our leaders are just men.  They’ve even said that themselves. I had the inspiration that our leaders have a heavy weight on their shoulders, that they have the weight of the whole church, and they have their own biases, their own prejudices that they have brought to the table of apostleship, If I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, but that the leaders have challenges themselves, it helps me have more compassion for them. I can still embrace the gospel and support my son. And besides if I left, I lose my voice with that population. But this way, I have inroads to help to change people’s minds and help them learn compassion one conversation at a time. 

When challenges come: Saturday sessions of General Conference were wonderfully uplifting. But after the Sunday sessions of Conference, I was down for the rest of the day. I couldn’t look up.  My eyes just wanted to close.  I was numb. I have this inner battle with myself because I’ve been taught all my life that these men are prophets, revelators and seers. But, somehow, some of them have missed something.  They have not asked the right questions if they’ve talked to a gay person, or they would not have said what they did.

So if someone says something to me like was said to WendyMontgomery, (Wendy Montgomery has a 13-year-old gay son and was told that she should have her son taken away and given to someone who can follow the prophet) and I had to make a choice whether I would leave the church or stay -- I would stay.  If someone says hurtful things, then why should I go? Why should I go? I have to remind myself that people are only human, even the church hierarchy.  They are only men who have been called to do a hard thing.

Is there a place for your son in your eternal family? Absolutely, there is. God has let me know that I don’t need to worry about him.  And that has given me so much peace. This peace has become stronger in the last couple of years. Even more so as each day goes by.  My only worry is that he’ll go into a deep dark place where he may be left with long-lasting regrets.  The world is not a very safe place. And because he feels the church has rejected him, he might feel like “why not go off and make unsafe choices, and do this and that. Obviously, there are no standards that I need to keep since the church doesn’t want me. So why not take these extra steps.”

From a challenge to a blessing: I don’t feel the need to judge anymore. I grew up in a very judgmental home. And that’s why I have the personality that I do.  My new paradigm has blessed my life by removing that debilitating burden off my shoulders. I don’t have to judge anybody. I can just let that go. If a man has a tattoo and earrings, which my son has, I wonder what his story is. What has his life been like? If I see someone who looks depressed because they may not fit the ‘norm’, I tell myself that the soul inside them wants to be loved and appreciated just like everyone else. And they are beautiful. I’ve been blessed in trying to look at people the way Christ would. I’ve never done that before. Everyone has their own chance to embrace someone who is different from them. If they can’t, they’re missing out.

Progress? Has there been progress made? Will it get to a point where your son or maybe other LGBT can feel like they can get on board with the church? Not in the near future, not from the body of the church.  But there are satellites in the church -- wards and stakes -- that are doing their best to be more inclusive. The more we have of those, it will trickle down to the main body of the church. I listened to a recent podcast on Gay Mormon Stories to an interview with Edward Jones. He had been away from the church for years, but now is active again. He and Randall Thacker, who are both gay, have callings in their DC ward as the primary organist and chorister.  And I believe that Randall is in a relationship. Here are men who are being their authentic selves and are active. I don’t believe they want to change the doctrine; they just want to change the level of love and acceptance. That’s all I want. The doctrine is Jesus Christ’s. To be more welcoming the policy and implementation may need to change. I think it will with time.

What is the church missing out on by not being more welcoming of the LGBT community? You look at the way my son served in the primary. The kids loved him. In fact, I substituted in the primary two years later and a boy asked if I was Brother X’s mother.  I said I was, and the boy said, “YES!” with obvious approval. Even two years later, they are talking about him. I do feel gays have so much to offer. They have so much compassion. They have cultural gifts to share. They are smart. They could teach us the gospel in ways that aren’t ‘general conference dry’. I was thinking about the podcast with Edward Jones, the chorister (who is moving to SLC next month). What he said got me thinking about when the Church would routinely excommunicate gays just for saying they were gay whether they were sexually active or not. And when the church would excommunicate others just for questioning church policy.  Yet the questions they were asking may have improved us and made us think.  They may have improved our relationships and may have made us softer. But by excluding the gays, you’ve terribly wounded them and their families. Fortunately, the church is not so quick to excommunicate anymore. So from the old point of view, they’ve come a long way in accepting them and all kinds of people. People have lots of different ways they can contribute. If we only accepted into the church everyone who played the piano and organ, but not those who know how to lead music, we’d miss out. It takes everybody.

Hope: When I asked Janet to tell me things about her son that she knows about him that other’s might not, her eyes filled with tears. And so did mine. I have a son too. I know that same mother’s love and pride also. He is very tenderhearted. He loves very easily. Because he seems so happy, you wouldn’t know that he’d almost committed suicide before his mission. You wouldn’t know that he’s felt depths of despair over his eternal salvation because of merely being born a certain way. You wouldn’t know that he speaks fluent Mandarin. He loves to read and think. He loves music. He has a wonderful memory. He’s so personable and great with people.  Once he graduates from college, I hope he can get a job that supports what he wants to do. He wants to get a graduate degree.  And I hope he can find someone to spend his life with. Somebody that he loves, somebody that cherishes him, somebody who loves him and treats him the way I feel my husband loves me.

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