Yes, I Have A Gay Son! by Lori Christensen

I Have a Gay Son

Note from blogger Carole Warburton: I feel truly blessed to have become friends with Lori and others like her. Some of these wonderful women's stories I've shared on this blog, and I still have more to go. My world is a better place because of these valiant mothers. I know Lori's son Devin is lucky to have her for a mother. Please take the time to read this inspiring story. 

Have you ever wondered if you will have a gay child?

It never crossed my mind when my husband and I were married 37 years ago. Baby boy one and baby boy two came 18 months apart, followed three years later by an adorable baby girl. We finished our perfect little family 4 years later with another boy.

The babies are first handed to you wrapped in their little flannel blankets, struggling to open their eyes. You raise your finger to their tiny hand and they clutch your finger. The bond is made. My baby forever!!

Did you ever wonder if you would have a perfect child?

Neither did I, but this last boy was over-zealously obedient, eager to please, kind hearted, good-natured and very intelligent.  I don’t remember ever having to discipline him.  He was always home on time, chose great friends, had high standards, very goal-oriented.  He graduated from high school as Valedictorian with a four-year scholarship. He was a four-year seminary graduate. He received his eagle scout at age 16.  He served a two-year Spanish- speaking mission for our church. After returning he graduated Magna Cum Laude from our local university and landed a job almost immediately.

Meantime our other 3 children married and we were blessed with 8 grandchildren.

About 2 ½ years ago as my son, my husband and I were driving , out of the  blue our son exclaimed that he was gay.  Things went silent.  In an instant it was as though the last 25 years flashed in front of my eyes.  In my heart of hearts, I had known all along.  I didn’t cry- no fit of rage- no feelings of bitterness.

Those three words didn’t change my bond at all. He was placing his heart in our hands. He was the same person he was 2 minutes before he uttered those words.

My son had spent 25 years searching the very depths of his soul.  Each thought and feeling had to be guarded so that his secret would not be revealed.  He knew he was different from age 10. My question; Can a child really choose something they don’t even understand? This was his identity.  This is how he came… And God loves all of his children alike, much more than any of us can ever comprehend.

If the LDS church’s main focus is on family, why and how can these three words cause a loving LDS family to shun or reject, or give up one of the Lords children?

The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God. Wasn’t it Christ who left the ninety and nine and searched for the missing one?

Sure the dynamics of our family has changed.  There are friends who don’t associate with us anymore.  Those who can’t understand our reaction to “choose love” (Actually it wasn’t a choice, it came naturally”.)  There is family who will not allow their children around my son.  There are those praying for us to repent of something, those underlining and drafting scriptures to read to us.  There are those  who “un-friend” me.

Now was my turn to soul search.  What would God have me learn? I thought I already knew about homosexuality. I was basically wrong on every point.  I was forced to seek answers.

“How often has the Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past the massive iron gate of what we though we already knew?”

                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                        Uchtdorf

I cannot imagine struggling 25 years to be someone he could never be and working toward a future he knew he could never have in our church.  I know it felt like a lose-lose situation.

I can’t marry in the temple!

I can’t have my OWN family!

How do I get to the celestial kingdom?

To deny an LDS saint this goal is to strip them of their very reason for being.

Being a Latter Day Saint is our family’s heritage, our culture, our soul.  This is how my son was raised.

Do I feel guilt that I took my son to church for 25 years to hear that he was an abomination, that he was broken, but would be fixed in the next life, that unless he changed to a more worthy state he could never have the one thing Mormons value most in life, FAMILY?  Yes, I do feel guilt.  The church teaches wonderful things, but had I known that my son was struggling with this at such an early age I would have tried to protect him from the hurtful statements made.

Our belief is based on hope.  LGBT children and adults are stripped of this!!

I would lie to say my faith has not been shaken.  We are still here.( In the church) My son is not!! Statistically many family members leave the church also.

People are so ignorant of this issue.  I had someone tell me I saw everything now through my gay glasses.  I figure that is better than living in blindness to the fact that statistically speaking there are dozens of youth and adults in every stake in the church, not including those who are still living in fear of coming out.  Most are inactive, afraid of ridicule, ostracism, shunning or judgment.

There are over 400 LGBT youth (many from Mormon families) who are homeless and wandering the streets and living in the canyons of the Wasatch front because their parents ( who profess to be Christ’s disciples) kick them out. What about those who decide to end their life because they conclude it is the only release from the pain and conflict.

When denied  “HOPE” of a meaningful relationship, one is left with deep emotional wounds, depression, illness, and thoughts of suicide.

Am I angry with church leaders because they can’t promise a change of Doctrine?

NO.

I have great faith in my Heavenly Father.  He would not create a child with such a strong and courageous soul and not have a place in his plan for him. We simply don’t know all things- we can’t see everything.  What may seem contradictory now may be perfectly understandable as we search for truth.

What do I want from society, my church, my friends and family?

Please open your hearts, try on my gay glasses and see the human family comes in every shade of difference.  The greatest and smallest of us possess as many unique talents as we do weaknesses.  But we tend to miss the common ground we all walk on.

“We as a society tends to separate ourselves according to our differences rather than rejoicing in the diversity and richness those differences provide.”

                                                                                    Gordon B. Hinckley

My sexuality is only ONE part of who I am and not the part I care to have others focusing their judgment on.  I wish the same for my son.

I don’t have an agenda----- Neither does my son

We would like respect, our dignity, the right to the common need of companionship and intimacy.

We both have hopes, fears, and aspirations.

My “ Heterosexual Lifestyle” pretty much equals my sons “ Homosexual Lifestyle”!

What are my hopes for my son?

I pray everyday for God to protect him from the ignorance, hatred, violence and bigotry the world throws.

I want him to be happy, enjoy life, laugh and dream, to feel and forgive.   I pray he will love God and humanity!

Will I try to change my son?

No. Never

This is how God sent him. This is who he is .

My love is open- hearted and unapologetic.  I love him because he is sweet, caring, smart, original, and especially because he is mine.

That baby boy who trustingly clutched my finger with his tiny hand 27 years ago created a love and a bond that will never be broken.

Yes, I have a Gay son!

Changing Hearts One Conversation at a Time

I'm privileged to introduce Janet, in most ways a typical Mormon woman. She grew up in a very Mormon Patriarchal home where she learned to be more concerned with appearances than the content and character of a person’s heart and soul. At 28, she married the love of her life.  He had three children from a previous marriage. Together they had two children. The youngest is gay. Janet has held many callings in the LDS church from nursery leader and merit badge counselor, to Young Women’s President and Relief Society President. She lives in a comfortable home, nestled in beautiful Cache Valley. As I walked in I noticed some of the typical Mormon symbols of faith decorating her living room. We sat down at her kitchen table and I asked her to take me on a journey. A journey of discovering what it means to be LDS and have a gay son. We began with the day everything she had known, or thought she knew, changed. The rest is in Janet’s words.

Blindsided: When our son was 17, (nine years ago) we found some hand-drawn pictures of male genitalia in his room. We didn’t know what to think, so we questioned him. At first he wasn’t forthcoming, but eventually he told us he was gay. I didn’t know what that meant. I thought it was a choice. I didn’t think it had anything to do with love, just sex—sex with men. He had been such a good young man, so fun and so knowledgeable in the gospel.  I just knew he would grow up to be a General Authority.  While in high school, he baptized one of his friends.  He was a 4-year seminary graduate.  He read his scriptures and prepared thought-provoking Family Home Evening lessons.  He was an Eagle Scout, and later served a successful 2-year mission. How could he be gay? When was he having sex with guys? He hadn’t.  I just didn’t know. I didn’t understand that it was about who you are, that it was about the gender you are attracted to. We took him to a therapist at LDS Social Services. He later confessed that it was one of the worst days of his life. I think he went just to appease us. I was stubborn. “We’ll fix this. We’ll get you right.” It was devastating to my paradigm. My paradigm was LDS and it was black and white. It took me a long time to wrap my head around it.

Everything was looking good. He got ready and served a successful mission. We hoped, along with him, that the mission would change him. Some time after he returned, he served as the primary chorister. But then one day, he looked downcast. I asked him what was wrong and if he would talk to me about it. He said, “Mom, this is who I am. It’s not going to be anything different.” He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. He’d written a letter addressed to President Monson, pleading with the First Presidency to listen to the gays and all he got back was a form letter from a secretary and a pamphlet explaining how to be celibate.

 The rejection: There wasn’t anything personal, nothing to say we’re sorry for your pain,  just a form letter, that in essence said, your pain is nothing. He took his garments off. (Temple garments are sacred undergarments that adult members wear once they’ve made commitments in the temple.) And he’s been inactive ever since. As much pain as that caused me as his mother, I realized making the decision to leave activity in the church must cause him pain too. So I asked him, and he said that it did. I realized that this isn’t just about me and how I feel. He made covenants. And for what? He feels betrayed. It was hard.

I was anxious to learn and to understand. I wanted to know what gay sex meant.  What does it mean to love another man?  He was so patient with me as he answered my many questions. He gave me Carol LynnPearson’s book, “Goodbye, I Love You.” I read that and it immediately opened my eyes and made me more tenderhearted toward him and others. And then I couldn’t stop reading. I wanted desperately to understand. I read Carol Lynn Pearson’s second book (on this subject) “No More Goodbyes” and when her third book came out, we read that, too. My husband and I read “Peculiar People” and a book from a PFLAG perspective (Parents, Family and Friends of Gays and Lesbians) called “Beyond Acceptance.”  Both were really good.  They fed our souls.

Paradigm Shift: Once I began to understand, I no longer cared what people thought about me. At first, I thought, Wow, if people in the ward find out we have a gay son, we’re going to have to move. They are going to think we’re awful parents. But my paradigm shifted in another way. So many rely on an outward rather than an inward righteousness. Now, I will talk to others about what it means to be gay, but I wait until they ask. It’s almost like it’s sacred.  I don’t want to put it out there for others to make fun of. 

Maintaining Faith: For a time my faith wavered. If it weren’t for my husband and I both being on the same page, both supporting our son, and yet both wanting to maintain activity in the church, I could see myself drifting off a little bit more, and maybe he could have seen himself drifting off a little bit more too without me. We’ve held on together. I got the impression that our leaders are just men.  They’ve even said that themselves. I had the inspiration that our leaders have a heavy weight on their shoulders, that they have the weight of the whole church, and they have their own biases, their own prejudices that they have brought to the table of apostleship, If I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, but that the leaders have challenges themselves, it helps me have more compassion for them. I can still embrace the gospel and support my son. And besides if I left, I lose my voice with that population. But this way, I have inroads to help to change people’s minds and help them learn compassion one conversation at a time. 

When challenges come: Saturday sessions of General Conference were wonderfully uplifting. But after the Sunday sessions of Conference, I was down for the rest of the day. I couldn’t look up.  My eyes just wanted to close.  I was numb. I have this inner battle with myself because I’ve been taught all my life that these men are prophets, revelators and seers. But, somehow, some of them have missed something.  They have not asked the right questions if they’ve talked to a gay person, or they would not have said what they did.

So if someone says something to me like was said to WendyMontgomery, (Wendy Montgomery has a 13-year-old gay son and was told that she should have her son taken away and given to someone who can follow the prophet) and I had to make a choice whether I would leave the church or stay -- I would stay.  If someone says hurtful things, then why should I go? Why should I go? I have to remind myself that people are only human, even the church hierarchy.  They are only men who have been called to do a hard thing.

Is there a place for your son in your eternal family? Absolutely, there is. God has let me know that I don’t need to worry about him.  And that has given me so much peace. This peace has become stronger in the last couple of years. Even more so as each day goes by.  My only worry is that he’ll go into a deep dark place where he may be left with long-lasting regrets.  The world is not a very safe place. And because he feels the church has rejected him, he might feel like “why not go off and make unsafe choices, and do this and that. Obviously, there are no standards that I need to keep since the church doesn’t want me. So why not take these extra steps.”

From a challenge to a blessing: I don’t feel the need to judge anymore. I grew up in a very judgmental home. And that’s why I have the personality that I do.  My new paradigm has blessed my life by removing that debilitating burden off my shoulders. I don’t have to judge anybody. I can just let that go. If a man has a tattoo and earrings, which my son has, I wonder what his story is. What has his life been like? If I see someone who looks depressed because they may not fit the ‘norm’, I tell myself that the soul inside them wants to be loved and appreciated just like everyone else. And they are beautiful. I’ve been blessed in trying to look at people the way Christ would. I’ve never done that before. Everyone has their own chance to embrace someone who is different from them. If they can’t, they’re missing out.

Progress? Has there been progress made? Will it get to a point where your son or maybe other LGBT can feel like they can get on board with the church? Not in the near future, not from the body of the church.  But there are satellites in the church -- wards and stakes -- that are doing their best to be more inclusive. The more we have of those, it will trickle down to the main body of the church. I listened to a recent podcast on Gay Mormon Stories to an interview with Edward Jones. He had been away from the church for years, but now is active again. He and Randall Thacker, who are both gay, have callings in their DC ward as the primary organist and chorister.  And I believe that Randall is in a relationship. Here are men who are being their authentic selves and are active. I don’t believe they want to change the doctrine; they just want to change the level of love and acceptance. That’s all I want. The doctrine is Jesus Christ’s. To be more welcoming the policy and implementation may need to change. I think it will with time.

What is the church missing out on by not being more welcoming of the LGBT community? You look at the way my son served in the primary. The kids loved him. In fact, I substituted in the primary two years later and a boy asked if I was Brother X’s mother.  I said I was, and the boy said, “YES!” with obvious approval. Even two years later, they are talking about him. I do feel gays have so much to offer. They have so much compassion. They have cultural gifts to share. They are smart. They could teach us the gospel in ways that aren’t ‘general conference dry’. I was thinking about the podcast with Edward Jones, the chorister (who is moving to SLC next month). What he said got me thinking about when the Church would routinely excommunicate gays just for saying they were gay whether they were sexually active or not. And when the church would excommunicate others just for questioning church policy.  Yet the questions they were asking may have improved us and made us think.  They may have improved our relationships and may have made us softer. But by excluding the gays, you’ve terribly wounded them and their families. Fortunately, the church is not so quick to excommunicate anymore. So from the old point of view, they’ve come a long way in accepting them and all kinds of people. People have lots of different ways they can contribute. If we only accepted into the church everyone who played the piano and organ, but not those who know how to lead music, we’d miss out. It takes everybody.

Hope: When I asked Janet to tell me things about her son that she knows about him that other’s might not, her eyes filled with tears. And so did mine. I have a son too. I know that same mother’s love and pride also. He is very tenderhearted. He loves very easily. Because he seems so happy, you wouldn’t know that he’d almost committed suicide before his mission. You wouldn’t know that he’s felt depths of despair over his eternal salvation because of merely being born a certain way. You wouldn’t know that he speaks fluent Mandarin. He loves to read and think. He loves music. He has a wonderful memory. He’s so personable and great with people.  Once he graduates from college, I hope he can get a job that supports what he wants to do. He wants to get a graduate degree.  And I hope he can find someone to spend his life with. Somebody that he loves, somebody that cherishes him, somebody who loves him and treats him the way I feel my husband loves me.

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