When we take the time to get to know someone and their “story”, it is impossible to not love them.

Note from Carole, the blogger: I'm excited to introduce to you my beautiful cousin Linda and her son Craig. I urge you to read this no matter where you are in your journey toward understanding LGBT issues. Linda is a very active LDS mother who was forced to learn more about faith and the atonement than she ever thought possible. She shares a profound experience she had in meeting members of the group Affirmation "...I was overwhelmed at how welcoming this group was to me. After all, I was an active member of the church that I knew they had all felt pain growing up in. I had to wonder if the roles had been reversed, if they would have felt such overwhelming love from their Relief Society or Elders Quorum brothers and sisters if they had arrived alone to the meeting, not knowing anyone. One by one they all shared their own heart breaking stories of coming to terms with their sexuality in the church. I will be forever grateful for these wonderful people sharing their very personal stories with me. When we take the time to get to know someone and their “story”, it is impossible to not love them. I also felt like they each had a longing for the church that was once such an important part of their lives, but it was impossible to live a gay life in the Mormon Church so they had to separate themselves. I would love for these wonderful men and woman to feel like they DO have a place in our church as disciples of Jesus Christ because they could offer us so much." Please take the take to read Linda's story. 

Written by Linda: When we first learned about our son having same-sex attraction, we were scared and confused. How did this happen? What would this mean for his life? What would it mean for our family? How would homosexuality fit into our LDS belief of eternal families? At that time, I had no idea how much I needed to learn about unconditional love, Jesus Christ and the atonement. Perhaps this is the experience I needed to help me learn things that I could not have learned any other way. Having a gay son has been a blessing in my life.

Craig was our second child and first son. He was always kind, loving and wanted to do the right thing. Craig was a very easy child to raise. School was important to him and he was placed in the GATE (Gifted and Talented) program in the third grade. He had many wonderful friends that also excelled. He advanced in the scouting program to achieve the rank of Eagle Scout and sitting through awards ceremonies for him became commonplace. Craig always loved his fellow classmates and family members and he got along well with everyone. When he came home from school, he was the only child that would ask me how my day was. He was truly kind and compassionate, to know him was to love him, everyone loves Craig. We never worried about this child. He was always where he should be, doing the right thing at the right time.

One day when Craig was in high school, I was routinely checking the history on our family computer. To my shock, I found sexually graphic images of men. My heart sank. I couldn’t imagine it was Craig’s or my husbands. When I was able to pull myself together from the shock, I went to Craig’s room and confronted him. He didn’t even try to deny it and admitted that it was his. He curled up in a ball on his bed and started to cry. I think he was relieved that I had found it. A secret that he had been hiding was finally out in the open. I was scared and confused at what was happening, but I also had so much compassion for my son for what had been going on inside his head that I hadn’t known anything about. This was the beginning of our journey with homosexuality and our son.

At that time, Craig was firm in his belief that he was not gay. I was naïve enough to believe him and started to do what any other good LDS mother would do – I started praying for the same-sex attractions to go away. He willingly started meeting with our bishop and an LDS counselor. We wanted him to have someone to talk to that he could be completely honest with. Craig continued to excel in school and church and be the all around great kid that he always had been. I was naïve to think that everything was under control. Over the following months, I began to see Craig slide between periods of excessive spirituality to emotional lows that would end with him curled up in a ball on our bed crying. During Craig’s first semester at BYU, we continued to see the highs and lows and decided to bring him home where we could be more of a support to him. We didn’t know if we should push the mission idea, but decided to leave it totally up to him. Craig decided that he did want to go on a mission. The call came – Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. What a joy, my son was going on a mission! Craig’s mission was a wonderful experience for him. He was on a spiritual high and had no problems during his mission whatsoever. He loved the people and his mission president. He loved serving the people and preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. He would often write his testimony of how important it was to live worthy of the spirit and what a blessing that was to him and the lives of the people he taught. We continued to pray that the same-sex attraction would go away, but this was not the case. Shortly after returning to BYU, the same-sex attraction returned.

By this time my husband was serving as the Bishop of our ward. As the wife of a Bishop, I was able to see some of the struggles that other families were dealing with including drugs, health issues, adultery, and mental illness. I became painfully aware that all families have hardships that they must live with and learn to overcome. This is when I made my deal with the Lord. I just flat out told the Lord that if this challenge was going to be part of our life, I was going to need to feel more than I had ever felt before. Gratefully, that prayer has been answered many times. As I have poured my heart out to the Lord, he has wrapped His arms around me many times and enveloped with the most overwhelming feelings of love that I have ever felt. With the Lord’s help, I knew that He was aware of me and all of the things that I was worried about. But, more importantly, I knew that He was aware of my son, who was His son first and I didn’t need to worry about him – I just needed to love him. I knew that I could do that.

During Craig’s years at BYU, we watched a slow progression from “I am not gay” to “I am gay”. First he had one friend who also experienced same-sex attraction, then two, and then he started to go to the Matis Firesides for anyone struggling with same-sex attraction. Then he made even more friends who were experiencing similar feelings. This all came as quite a shock to me, as I had no idea there were so many families in the church with children who were dealing with the same issue. Why weren’t we talking about it in the church? How many youth in our wards were suffering just like Craig, too afraid to tell anyone. Afraid that if they were honest, they would be rejected by their family and church. This was extremely distressing to me. I had never had any church leader offer me any assistance of any kind with this. I felt totally alone, but yet, so many people were trying to figure out how to deal with it.

During my son’s years at BYU, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why my son was gay. I read everything I could get my hands on. I read many conflicting theories, but none of them seemed to apply to Craig. Fortunately, I was able to come across a website (Northstar) hosted by LDS parents that try to help those dealing with same-sex attraction as well as parents, friends and leaders. They have an on-line Google group where I could talk to other parents and see how they were handling homosexuality in their families. This group has been life saving for me. These women reached out to me and totally understood my feelings of love and conflict with my son and the church. These women were able to speak with me mother to mother. To have these women care and completely understand and validate my pain was overwhelming – I just let the tears flow. I was finally able to talk to someone without the feelings of shame that are so common in the church when it comes to homosexuality. Finding these women was just one of the Lord’s tender mercies that have become so common for me. The best advice that I have ever received came from one of these sweet women, “Stop worrying about the ‘cause’ or the ‘cure’ and love you child”. I could do that.

Not long after Craig ‘came out,’ I decided that I wanted to try and meet some other LDS families with gay children. I decided to introduce myself to the local Affirmation group. The group decided to meet and invited me to attend with Craig. This meeting had a very profound affect on me. There were not any other family members, just wonderful LDS young men and women that had to navigate homosexuality in the LDS Church. I was overwhelmed at how welcoming this group was to me. After all, I was an active member of the church that I knew they had all felt pain growing up in. I had to wonder if the roles had been reversed, if they would have felt such overwhelming love from their Relief Society or Elders Quorum brothers and sisters if they had arrived alone to the meeting, not knowing anyone. One by one they all shared their own heart breaking stories of coming to terms with their sexuality in the church. I will be forever grateful for these wonderful people sharing their very personal stories with me. When we take the time to get to know someone and their “story”, it is impossible to not love them. I also felt like they each had a longing for the church that was once such an important part of their lives, but it was impossible to live a gay life in the Mormon Church so they had to separate themselves. I would love for these wonderful men and woman to feel like they DO have a place in our church as disciples of Jesus Christ because they could offer us so much.

With this experience and new perspective, I see things that I didn’t see before. The story of the Good Samaritan has taken on new meaning to me. We have many men and woman in our families and wards that suffer from things that we don’t always understand or are even aware of. Sometimes it is just easier for them to leave and separate themselves. As faithful members of the church trying to follow God and do our duty in the church, we don’t always see them, or want to see them, or know what to do. We don’t see how our words and actions can be hurtful. As true disciples of Christ, we should be striving to offer love, empathy and compassion to all of God’s children, even when there journey is different than ours and even when they take a different path for their lives.

Over time, I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet other men and women just like Craig. They are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. They have so much compassion for others. Perhaps because they know what it feels like to be one of the ‘least of these’. I have learned more about love from this experience than I could possibly have learned any other way. My son continues to be an exceptional human being that excels in everything he puts his mind to and people love him because he truly cares about them. He has great compassion for others and we continue to learn from him and his example. He continues to be a wonderful blessing in our family.

Adam's Mom: "You Must Be The Change You Wish To See In World." Ghandi

My last post featured Adam Maughan. There's been so much interest in this young man, who just over a year ago, had thought his life wasn't worth living. To see what a remarkable and positive outlook he now has, I knew he must have a great support system. It was my privilege to sit down with the woman who played a large role in recovery. This is more about the story of this exceptional family. 

Adam's Family August 2013

When Adam was born and Charlotte held him for the first time, both she and her husband David, felt a strong confirmation that he had a special mission on earth. As he grew up, they jokingly told him that he might be a prophet someday. “That may have been kind of overwhelming for him.” He was always a happy, thoughtful, and very creative kid. In the Maughan’s kitchen window, there is a vase of faded paper roses that Adam made when he was seven. He was always drawing and making cards for everyone in the family. He’d set up mazes for his little sister in the basement. He tried to do everything right. Born into a musical family, he is also gifted with music. Sometimes Charlotte would hear him playing the hymns and would ask which book the arrangement was from and he would say, none. He could just improvise.

When Adam was called on his mission to Indianapolis, it was the same mission that his father had served in. He desired to be a faithful missionary. But shortly after he got there and began working, he experienced depression for the first time in his life. Charlotte chalked it up to being away from home and having such a new experience. Adam was blessed in having a kind and loving mission president, who immediately saw to it that Adam got into counseling. Charlotte prayed to Heavenly Father, “I said I know you know what’s going on and I don’t. I’m the mom. I know he’s your son too and I trust you to have happen what needs to happen here.” The mission president kept the parents abreast of the situation as it unfolded. Finally, he let Adam’s parents know that he might be coming home. But Adam fought that. He loved serving. He really wanted to stay. Then one day Adam’s parents got a call saying that he had made a complete turn-around, and was determined to stay. But just days later, seven months in, Charlotte’s cell rang on her way home from Logan. She glanced at it and saw the mission president’s number, so she pulled over.  Adam was coming home.

She was aware of the need to maintain the mission president’s trust with Adam, but she told him that if she was going to help Adam, she needed to know what she was dealing with. “I feel like I’m being handed a brand new baby and I don’t know how to care for that baby,” she said. She went on to tell the president that she had her suspicions. He asked what her suspicions were and she asked if he was dealing with same sex attraction.  And the president confirmed that. At that moment she didn’t cry. She didn’t freak out. “I just knew that Adam had finished what he needed to finish on his mission. He’d had the experiences that he needed to have. He needed to come home and face this.”   There had been a time when Adam was around sixteen, that Charlotte straight up asked him if he was dealing with same-sex attraction, but he denied it.  A couple of months after learning of Adam’s depression on his mission, she came across an article in LDS Living about SSA.  The realization came that this might be why Adam was struggling with depression, and that prompted her to learn more about SSA.  She finally got up the courage to talk to her husband about her concerns.  It didn’t change one bit how much they loved him, but they knew they had a tough road ahead.  They both thought there might be a way to “fix this”.  Charlotte has always been incredibly close to her family. They shared everything with each other. So even before they got Adam off the plane, she told her sisters what the root of Adam’s depression was. She had no doubt that they would all love and support him just as they always had and that proved to be true.

At first things seemed like they were going to be okay. The family rallied around Adam. Adam didn’t know that his aunts, uncles, and grandparents knew his secret.  Charlotte finally told him.  She wanted him to realize that even though they knew about his SSA, they weren’t treating him differently.

Adam started hanging out with one of his really good friends from before his mission. They had always welcomed his friends and had grown especially fond of this young man.  It suddenly dawned on Charlotte that the two had more than just a strong friendship. And she thought, “We have a problem here. And the problem is huge because Adam wasn’t with a creepy predator, it was Adam with a kid that we loved...what do we do now?” They weren’t ready for this. But they talked about it because they wanted the young man to feel welcome in their home.

Two months after Adam returned from his mission, they attended a conference geared to Latter Day Saints who dealt with SSA and their loved ones. They were grasping at straws for answers, but there they realized SSA was different than they’d thought. They learned that they just needed to calm down. Adam needed to have healthy relationships with men. They resolved that no matter what happened, and no matter what choices Adam made, that he and his friends would always be welcome in their home. “We wanted our home to be a place where they felt peaceful. And that we were not judging them.”

Charlotte and David knew that their son needed to be home. They tried to assure him that they would never kick him out of the home, no matter what. But he had a hard time believing that. He’d really felt like a total failure. He’d felt like he’d failed God, and his family. Guilt ate at him as he tried to reconcile his feelings with what he’d been taught. There were nights that Adam would burst through his parents’ bedroom door in the middle of the night and be in tears. “I think Adam felt like God had turned his back on him. I remember him saying that God had played a cruel joke on him. And that made me really sad, because I believe in a loving Heavenly Father that wouldn’t play a cruel joke on anyone.” Charlotte feels that He sends people here with different challenges, and for a reason. It may be to help that person and/or to help others around them. They learned to turn their will to the Savior and let him guide them as they’ve navigated this journey. Looking back, she sees they did some things right, and they did some things wrong.

After Adam’s good friend decided he couldn’t see Adam anymore, Adam spiraled out of control. He spent all of his time in his room and things became darker and darker. Charlotte didn’t know what to do. “It gave me a greater understanding of those who live with people who are suicidal because there comes a time when you really can’t do anything. You can’t watch them 24/7.” One night when Charlotte was up in the middle of the night crying, she actually planned Adam’s funeral. If the worst happened, it would be different than any other one she’d attended, because she would use it to educate others on this topic. Adam had been seeing a counselor recommended by his mission president. Even though the counselor was kind of far away, the mission president told Adam’s parents, “If Adam can come to Indianapolis to save souls, he can travel to Provo to save his own.” The counselor and Adam made a “safety agreement” that if Adam felt like he was in danger of taking his life he would contact him. During a Skype session with his counselor, it became apparent that Adam was no longer safe. After Charlotte’s desperate request to friends who had previously dealt with suicidal intentions, a mutual decision was made between, Adam, his therapist, and his parents to admit Adam to the U of U Neuropsychiatric Institute. Charlotte believes, if they had not intervened, he was only hours away from a suicide attempt.

When they took him to Salt Lake and left him there, just the day before Thanksgiving of 2012, they knew it was what they had to do. They didn’t have time to tell the rest of the extended family that they’d admitted Adam to the hospital.  Thanksgiving without their son was really hard. A lot of his cousins didn’t know that Adam experienced SSA, but most knew that he had been extremely depressed. They rallied and started a letter around the family so each could express their love and support. Everyone hugged Charlotte and told her how much they admired, prayed for, and loved Adam, now more than ever. “Even though this whole thing is so difficult, it’s helped our family to know that we can do hard things, and that we still love each other no matter what. I’m really grateful for that. I’m grateful for the relationship Adam has with his sisters.”

Adam was in the hospital for ten days. The experiences and therapy he had there saved his life and gave him the will to not just live, but thrive. One year after he was admitted he created a video to show gratitude for the things he learned there, to the people who have rallied around him, and to be authentic about the fact that he experiences SSA.  Charlotte didn’t even know he was working on it. He’d been living in Logan, but had come home to travel with the family to Wyoming for Thanksgiving. She literally had her coat in her hand and was headed to the car when her sister called and asked if she’d seen Adam’s Facebook post. She told her she didn’t have time to read it, so just tell her what it says. She said, “No, it’s not what it says. You just have to see it.”  Because they were traveling, she couldn’t see it until late that night. The rest of the family had already seen it, but she, David and Abby (Adam’s youngest sister) watched it and Charlotte sobbed during the whole thing. She is so proud of him, “all of who he is.” After viewing it, she just cried and hugged Adam.

It’s been such a blessing to the family that Adam put this video out there. Now Charlotte and David can be authentic about who they are too.  Charlotte hopes to be a resource for other parents who are facing similar situations. They are no longer the same people that just over a year ago, received a phone call that Adam was coming home.  When they first went to talk to the stake president, they were devastated. They wanted answers. They wanted help, but they quickly found that the fairly new stake president didn’t know how to help them.

“I think the initial reaction from leaders and others can make or break the individual. I used this analogy when I talked to the stake president because I felt like it hadn’t happened right with Adam. I said it’s almost like a little kid who is going to go into a swimming pool for the first time. And they have to test the waters. If they run up and they stick their toe in and it’s freezing cold, they are like ‘I’m not going in there.’ If they go to into the pool and it’s warm then they will go in farther.  I know they have a lot of obligations on their time, but I think that this is something the priesthood leaders need to realize. When people have enough courage to come in, I think it’s critical that these people leave their offices with hope. They met with the Stake President again in November of 2013.  “I think he was quite shocked when we walked into his office because we have a totally different demeanor now. We aren’t devastated. We don’t think this is the worst thing in the world. As a matter of fact, we are thankful for it. It’s something that has blessed us and made us better people...”

She believes that authenticity is a key part to unlocking their ability to be able to move past some of the walls that they’ve built, where they hide who they really are. For Adam it’s been key for him to say who he is and to have people know this about him. To be able to say, “Here I am and I’m still a good person” and to have people validate that has been invaluable for him and for us.”

Charlotte has become passionate about education that leads to understanding. A friend referred Charlotte to a quote from Ghandi. She said that it hit her like a ton of bricks and became her mantra. “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”  She believes people become passionate about the things that affect them personally. While she doesn’t expect people to become passionate about this issue, she hopes that they will care enough to become compassionate. She realizes, she could focus on the negative and be angry about church leaders that didn’t respond the way she would have liked them to, but she chooses not to. She knows that they were doing the best they could at the time. “Can we be compassionate to the person who comes to church who has smoked all their life and has problems with that? Can we be compassionate to the person who is covered in tattoos? Or piercing? Or things that don’t make us feel warm and fuzzy? Can we still love those people? In my experience everyone like that, that I have opened my heart to has been a positive thing for me. They haven’t dragged me down. There’s some things in my life that I don’t want people to know as well. I think it’s really brave of Adam to come out at this time.” Charlotte had always tried to have open communication with Adam. It breaks her heart that he held this in for so long. In spite of the loving family Adam had, he wasn’t ready to deal with this any earlier. She’d like to see a more safe environment for these kids. “We need to do more as a community, as a people to not be judgmental and say things that are hurtful because that puts these kids in a place where they think, ‘I’m never going to admit this,’ or, ‘I need to hide this,’ which leads them to depression.  They don’t even want to admit it to themselves. “…I think it’s important to help young people experiencing SSA, and their parents, to understand that they aren’t “bad or broken” because of these feelings.”  She hopes other kids can find people to talk to, if it’s not a parent, maybe they can talk to someone at school to get guidance. Above all, she wants them to know, they, just like Adam, are valuable and loved and that God doesn’t turn his back on anyone.

In spite of the frustrations with finding resources that Adam’s parents felt when they first started this journey, they have relied on their faith and this has brought them peace.  They knew that even though there were a lot of people that they sought help from, who had no answers, they knew God could guide them.  They have always approached this knowing that Adam was His son before he was theirs and they knew He would guide their path, and He has.